ENVY// AMBW

1.

4/8/16

I remember first coming to Korea, I was such a naive girl with big dreams and high expectations. I remember looking inside the mirror at the one person I hated the most: myself. I didn't expect such a good turnout when I got to Dankook, I was to keep to myself and focus on my studies...but I didn't. Freshman year I met Namjoon, the person I now fear I'd have to leave. He showed me a world that I didn't know existed. He showed me love, affection, and sincerity.

I now look back, dusting off the book of memories in the depths of my brain. So many things happened within so little time. Quite often I think about Luna and how she was doing. I really do hope she got counseling... I can't help but think what would've happened if I never got that whisper inside of me to apply for Dankook, if God never gave me the littlest thought about going overseas.

Things would be so different. I would still hate my skin...What was I thinking? I was hypnotized to believing that I was useless and that no one would find me beautiful when the only opinion that mattered the most was the one that I had of myself. But no one taught me that, and now I know.

I remember those times when me and Namjoon would sit at the bench and talk about all type of things. It didn't matter how cold it was, we would talk about the things that were bugging us. He was the only friend that I had. At the time I didn't know why I had confided in him so quickly, but now I do.

He was different...

He had that weird charm to him. You know how people have that strange trait about them that makes people want to tell their deepest secrets? That's what he had. That charm. Maybe it was his voice that lured me in or his consistent smell of peppermint cologne or maybe it was the way he looked at me with his dark colored eyes that roamed my skin.

He was a creep, an outcast to society. Eventually, Namjoon told me about his past and it was very heartbreaking. I didn't realize how bad he had it until he told me. He told me that he would try to run away from those that were against him---wanted to harm him---but it would never work. He tried to change himself to fit the needs of others but every time, it was never good enough. So he decided to quit trying, that he was who he was and that he was good enough.

When he told me this, I wanted to take away the pain he had in his heart. I never wanted anyone to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him.

I remember rolling over on his bed the first night I slept with him and looking at him as he slept. I couldn't really sleep so I sat there for quite some time until finally, I closed my eyes drifting off into a deep sleep. And now I open my eyes and it's senior year.

Time went by too quickly and I beg and beg and beg for it to slow down. But, someone, somewhere is asking for it to speed up, overpowering my helpless begging. It's all pointless. I'm going to have to leave Namjoon---there's no way around it.

I stopped writing for a moment to collect my thoughts, putting down my pen. I looked over at Namjoon as he slept in his bed. I sighed closing my diary putting it on the dresser. "Everything happens too quickly Namjoon." Tears began to well up in my eyes.

God please don't let me leave him. Please, I prayed. Without realizing it, I got this sudden urge to get the box. If something were to happen to this tall Asian man, it would be the only thing that I would have left of him. I looked under the bed and grabbed the medium sized box.

Will I ever be able to open this thing?

I held the box closely to my chest, to my heart. I'd have to make the last few months count. I love you too much, Kim Namjoon.

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