ENVY// AMBW

6.

5/10/16

Just a few more days before we depart...

I can't change that. I've looked for jobs, I tried to get an internship, but someone else beat me to it. It'll be okay...it'll be okay...

I've already had an important talk with him, but it seemed like he didn't think it was important...he was so nonchalant about it. Now that I've somewhat accepted our fate, I'm kind of happy---no, not happy...I don't know the word for it---that I get to go home and see my parents's faces again. Computer screens do no justice when it comes to feeling the love and affection from a mother's touch.

My mother and I text so much. I told her about Namjoon and how amazing he is; she's seen pictures of him and kind of met him via Skype video calls, but it's not in person. She told me that she loved him already and that she and daddy would love for him to come over sometime.

I doubt it...

Anyways...I'm sort of drifting off...I told Namjoon about how I felt and I was quite surprised when he said to not worry about, that 'God has a plan for the both of us. If we were meant to be together, then we'll be together.'

I wish that I could be as confident as him about this. I doubt and over think things too much---another thing I need to work on.

At this point, if I have to be a freaking English teacher to stay, then I will. It may seem like I want to stay here in South Korea mainly because of Namjoon (don't get me wrong, he does play an important role in my decision), but the country is so lovely. The food is to die for too! I would hate to have to go back to the States, but if I have to, I will. But I will find a way back!

And if I have to let go of his hand as I make my way onto the airplane to take me back to my motherland, then I will let go gracefully. I loved him as much as my heart could muster, I cared for him when no one else did and I bandaged all of his wounds when he was shot down to bring him back up. And that's all I could do...that's all I can do.

I smiled as a memory played before my eyes:

I pulled away from his face after I kissed him suddenly bursting with excitement. A wide smile showed on my face as his eyes showed confusion and amusement. I stood up on the grass---we were having a picnic in the park as a little date--- and spun around, my dress spreading out as I did so. "Namjoon, I've got this crazy idea!" I exclaimed, and then plopped back onto the blanket slowly moving towards his face. "We should get married and have kids and buy a cute house and teach them new languages and just...and just---!" I rambled before laying down on my back absorbing the Sun's warmth. I was so happy. I looked over at him. He didn't say a word but just smiled at me brilliantly.

"Isn't that crazy...?" I asked after a few minutes of listening to the birds chirping and the trees whispering.

Namjoon laid on his back as well," Anything is possible, Nala..."

I didn't realize that I was smiling until I stopped thinking of that moment.

Damn, I'm so grateful. I'm fully aware that the future holds things that I don't know. I hope he's apart of my future and that we can accomplish things like having kids and such. But like I said before, it's almost as if he's just brushing it off his shoulders.

I began packing today. It was almost like I was throwing away who I became. Hmm...how can I word that differently. Over the years, I've developed into a whole nother person and now I'm throwing it all away. Literally. It'll be a whole new start...will it?

I'd hate to think that when I do get back, I'll be welcoming the Devil that I avoided for four years. Everywhere I walk, as a Black woman, I am afraid. I've heard lately that people of my color have been treated terribly, they've been getting shot by untrained policemen and women. It scares me to know that everywhere I go, I'll have no protection. Namjoon didnt know of these things, otherwise he would have locked me in somebody's basement and wouldn't let me out. Yikes.