ENVY// AMBW

3.

How can someone be so cruel?

How can someone be so cruel?

Namjoon came out of the bathroom before I could find the answer and hopped into bed, snuggling up beside me. Those terrible words that I read replayed in my mind over and over again, screaming loudly each time to not be ignored. I tried to discard the poison but the taste kept coming up stronger and even more powerful than when I first absorbed the information.

Words are like poison. They flow easily and without thought, a façade of beauty until you drink them and let it sit on your tongue. Then, they begin to burn making you wish you never said a thing from the beginning of your life. I was at that point now, wishing that I could just disappear. I forgot about Namjoon, but he kept crawling back into my  mind. It was his mother and I would have to deal with it.

It always seemed to amaze me how small minded people can be. They raise their kids and bring them up thinking one thing and not letting them get a chance to experience things for themselves so that they can make their own judgement. But Namjoon was different... He was more than an Asian man giving a Black woman a "chance", he was open minded, caring, generous. He was more than what I've ever met in a guy; he was more than what I could ask for.

'How could you date someone and love someone as dark as her? Namjoon, you need to do better and find you someone that's meant for you. You need to get with someone that's pretty son. She's ugly! Go find someone that's light and skinnier. Then, maybe we can all talk. As for now, I'm very disappointed in you. If you can't find someone "better", then me and your father will find someone for you. You have thirty days to break up with that thing, or we'll disown you. I'm sorry son but its for the best. We only want the best.'

She called me a 'thing'. "Are you alright, babe?" Namjoon asked me, rolling over to look at my face. I nodded yes and turned off the lamp welcoming the darkness. I wonder when he's going to see that text.

I didn't keep track of time and how long I stayed up, staring at the black room that surrounded me. Millions of images flashed before my eyes every time I closed them, and what I saw brought back the emptiness, the loneliness, and the weakness I knew all too well. With a few typed words, I was thrown back into my depression---I could feel it. Words are too powerful and they can kill. And yet again, I hang from a rope, choking from the people around me. It was only a few typed words but it killed me. It killed my hopes, and my many expectations with Namjoon. It wasn't even his fault. How can I have a future when his parents are racist and haven't even met me, but hate me already?

Is light skin, small weight, and height that important in South Korea that they wont even give me a chance? Is beauty more important than true happiness and love...? Now that I think about it...a few years ago, I wouldn't be thinking this.

A few years ago, I would have given up. I wouldn't have been asking these questions. I hated myself. My appearance, my skin, my hair...everything. And now here I am questioning the beauty standards of a culture that's not even my own. Here I am stating that happiness and true love is more important than any feature on someone's body.

And it was all because of him...

I looked at the now sleeping figure beside me. I love the way his lips part when he's asleep, I loved how his hair would get all messy and how he talks in his sleep, giving insights on how he feels about me. I love how intelligent he is and how dedicated he is with his engineering and art. I remember the time when we were first getting to know each other.

I remember thinking that he was such a creep and that I needed to avoid him. Thank God I didn't! He was brave to separate himself from what his parents wanted in him. He was brave to separate himself from the unnatural beauty standards that Korea formed. He wouldn't let this one thing get to him, or to me. I shouldn't worry about it as much. He wont leave me, right...?

But then again, its his parents and I don't want him to be disowned...

I'm going to have to leave Namjoon...

In thirty days...

And it's all because of the color of my skin. I shook my head in disappointment.

If only things were different...if only I was lighter.

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