ENVY// AMBW

2.

                                                 4/24/16
He doesn't look at me the same, he doesn't touch me the same. What has gotten into him? Am I a fool to think that he would love me? Am I a fool to believe every word he has ever said?

Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe I'm just crazy. I mean, there has to be a logical explanation for his behavior. He wouldn't hurt me. He promised me that he never would leave, but how can I be so sure?

Ugh! What am I saying? Why am I doubting him? I need to erase these negative thoughts from my head and embrace the time we have left. It's senior year! I should be happy.

You should be happy Amara!

I sighed, pausing before I continued writing.

How can I be happy when the one person that I pratically live for is unhappy? How can I smile knowing that he's trapped inside his own mind, not allowing me to get in?

I don't want my first love to be this way.

Namjoon...What are you hiding from me? Please tell me. You can tell me anything.
                Love,
                       Nala♡

I closed the leather bound diary and discarded it in the dresser. Namjoon had just made it back from wherever he was. Nowadays, he doesn't tell me anything. "Hey! You're back!" I tried to sound enthusiastic, but my tone of voice seemed to come up short.

"Hey." Namjoon answered me, looking exhausted. He's been gone all day. Where has he been?

An awkward silence crept between us, before he walked out of the living room announcing that he was going to go into the art room for a while. I didn't want to follow him into the. It would've been pointless to do so.

A half hour later, he came out and sat next to me. "How have you been?" He questioned me with his big puppy dog eyes. Fuck, I'm supposed to be mad at you. Don't look at me like that!

"I'm doing well, thank you." I stared at the wall. Don't look in his eyes, you lose everytime. Namjoon nodded at my response,"Oh, really? What are you thinking, babe?" He knows...but how?

Before I could even open my mouth and play hard to get, he cut me off saying,"You've been acting different, so don't play clueless, Nala. What's up with you lately?" I looked at him in shock. I know he did not just blame me for acting differently?

"What do you mean 'what's up with me lately'? I have not been acting differently! You're the one that's been acting strange!" I exclaimed. How could he say that I've been acting different?

Now he was the one to be astounded. "Have not! Although I have been a little distant, I haven't been acting strangely." Namjoon said, proving my point. "Exactly," I said,"you've been so distant towards me. I thought that I did something wrong."

He smiled at me and pulled me closer to him even though we were already close enough on the medium sized couch. "Is that why you've been sulking around lately?" I nodded shyly. "Look, the real reason why I've been distant is because I'm trying to do something that's really important to me, but I can't."

He's trying do something, but he can't?

Bullshit.

Bullshit; bullshit.

He's lying to you Amara.

"You're trying to do something, but you can't...?" He literally doesn't make any sense.  Namjoon nodded before saying,"Yeah. I'm trying to figure it out, and I wish I could tell you, Nala, but as for right now I can't. I'm sorry."

"Why can't you tell me Namjoon? Are you in trouble with the law? Are you selling drugs? Oh my god, Namjoon, please tell me you're not doing drugs!" I stood up beginning to get somewhat frantic, that being my dramatic self.

"Calm down, calm down. I'm not doing drugs, I'm not selling drugs, I'm perfectly fine." He stopped me, then pulled out his phone from within his back pocket.

"Look, it's time to go to bed. You should get some sleep."

I shook my head no stubbornly. I wanted to know exactly what was going on with him. Of course, he picked me up taking me into the bedroom and threw me on the bed despite my endless attempts to get out of his grasp. "I don't want to go to sleep! What I do want if for you to quit lying!"

Namjoon groaned rolling his eyes in annoyance. "Why can't you just be a good girl and trust me?" My face scrunched up at the words 'good girl'.

Daddy kink much?

Just take his phone while he's sleeping and go through it.

No! That's terrible! I should trust him!

Why are suspecting him of doing something bad then? Idiot.

"Fine," I huffed,"I'll go to sleep." Check his phone, girl. Check it. I took off the shorts that I was wearing and got underneath the covers as Namjoon walked into the bathroom.

I could hear the water start to run as he unraveled his clothes. I looked on the nightstand at where he placed his phone and had to face my temptations. I didn't want to go through his phone and get caught, and never be trusted again. But, I also feared that what he was telling me wasn't entirely true.

I'd hate to know that he was cheating, but I don't think he'd ever do that to me. Would he?

Unlock his phone, Amara.

The bad side of me came over me when his phone brightened up notifying him that he got a text. I slowly grabbed his phone and unlocked it. Namjoon was still in the shower.

You better act fast.

The message was from his mom, but it's what she said to him that grabbed my throat and began to choke me. I had to stifle my tears.

I hurriedly turned off his phone and put it back on the nightstand as I heard the water ceasing to a stop.

How could she say such a thing?

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