Our Shot (LAMS school au)

Chapter 43: A Grace Too Powerful To Name

(A/N: Question for anyone who wants to answer:
Would you read a Lams/Jamilton/Elams/Mullete genderbend fic?)

(UPDATE: hey guys I actually made genderbent fic ^^^ haha you can check it out if you want)

John's POV

It seemed, however, that Alex would not stay silent for long.

At the end of one of his paces down the hall, he stopped and turned slowly to look down at me, a few meters away. "Can we talk?" He asked me, and I brought my knees closer to my chest, resting my hands on my lap.

"About what?" I asked in return, but refrained from looking back up at him and contented myself with observing the ugly green carpet flooring the hallway.

"About us," he responded simply, and it seemed he was determined to carry out this conversation.

"I don't know what you mean by talk," I said, slumping down a bit.

I turned my head to glance at him when he sighed. "Are you breaking up with me, John?" He began, and I had too look away again to keep my composure, "Because if you are going to do it, please just do it. I can't sit around and wait like this."

He didn't continue, probably hoping that I would answer his initial question. I wasn't sure if I could. "I just..." I began, pausing, "I want things to go back to the way they were."

Alex took a step towards me and crouched down in front of me, taking advantage of my obvious moment of weakness. "I do too!" He exclaimed, and then he turned and sat down beside me.

As soon as he did, perhaps subconsciously, he grabbed onto my hand. I didn't pull it away, but let it lay in his grasp, unrespondent.

"I told you that day and I'll tell you every day," Alex began again, and I found myself forced to look into his eyes as he turned my shoulders gently to have myself face him, "I'm sorry, John. I made a huge mistake, probably the biggest of my life."

"When you cheated on me, or when you were forced to admit that you cheated on me?"
I asked blandly, an eyebrow raised.

He seemed taken aback for a moment by my uninspired response, but then tried a different tactic.

"You're right, you know; about everything," he began again, "The truth is, you deserve someone who is just as smart, kind, loyal, and loving as you are; as you have been."

I couldn't help but smile shyly, but I hid it by burying the lower half of my face in the collar of my jacket. Alex noticed anyway. "A guy who is just as honest, generous, intelligent..." he went on, and he probably would have continued if I would not have stopped him.

"Are you just listing off compliments?" I asked, trying not to laugh although I was honestly entertained.

Alex put on a serious expression. "Is it working?" He asked, and this time I couldn't help but laugh, the sound still stifled by the fabric of my jacket.

"I'm serious, John," he continued to explain, "you need someone as perfect as you are and the truth is that it's not me. I don't deserve you John, I don't like it but I admit it anyway because I'm not going to lie to you anymore, but I still want to be with you John, so if that makes me selfish then screw it, I can live with that; I can't live without you."

There was a moment of silence. "You haven't lost your sense of eloquence," I admitted softly, and Alex tightened his grip on my hand.

"Can you forgive me?" He asked desperately, leaning in slightly.

"I, um," I began, watching Alex's expression observantly, "I can't forget what you did, Alex."

His expression fell slightly, but before he could say anything in reply I continued. "But I think... that I can find a way to forgive you."

At the end of my sentence Alex sighed loudly and leaned back against the wall, obviously very relieved.

Then he smiled, and it was so bright I couldn't help but mirror it slightly. "Only because you flatter me so graciously," I added sarcastically.

"Everything I said was true!"

"Obviously, have you met me? Intelligent, generous, kind..."

Alex laughed softly, and pulled me closer to him. "I'm so happy," he breathed, resting his head on my shoulder.

I smiled softly. "Me too," I admitted quietly, and then kissed the top of his head briefly.

Then he brought his head away from my shoulder, and looked me in the eye.

"What is it?" I asked nervously, having been looking forward to the peace and quiet.

"Can I kiss you, John," he said, his tone so determined yet inquisitive I had to keep from laughing one more time.

"Uh, sure," I breathed, slightly surprised, the ghost of a smile forming on the corner of my lips.

He leant in slowly, all the while looking at my eyes with an expression that looked as though he was sure I might back down, but I didn't.

He kissed me softly on the lips, and then pulled away quickly after.

"Days without this and that's the best you can do?" I asked him with mock indignancy, putting a hand up to my chest.

Alex scoffed lightly, but smiled. He kissed me again, but this time lingering on my lips slightly. After a few seconds I couldn't help but smile, and Alex pulled back about in inch. "You're so funny," he laughed softly.

"You left that out of your speech," I breathed jokingly, and Alex continued to laugh until I kissed him again myself.

It lasted only a moment, however it was enough. We had to pull away anyway a moment later when the metal handle on the door next to us spun and the door flew open. It was Eliza, and Peggy followed her out into the hallway. Alex was still siting close to me, his arm still around my shoulders.