Metal Heart [ Jikook ]

Chapter 17

Jungkook didn't go to class. He marched over to Seokjin's house instead. He had to put an end to this. These feelings, the situation— they had to make sense. Somehow, they had to make sense. It was Thursday, and he would figure this all out before the weekend. He would. He would go to school tomorrow, pick up all of his work, and he would do it all that weekend, and he would spend his days with Jimin and he would have this figured out. He would remain Seokjin's friend, his little brother. And Seokjin would be okay, right? Jungkook could do something... something. He had to be able to do something— anything, to make loving him not hurt.

Seokjin's front door was unlocked. Jungkook frowned, but he entered the house anyway. Jimin must have forgotten to lock it when he left. Jungkook dumped his school bag on the floor and called for Seokjin, "Hyung? Hyung, I really need to talk to you. I'm... where are you, hyung?"

"J-Jungkook?" Seokjin called back, and he appeared at the end of the hall, peeking into the living room. His hair was messy, and he had pajamas on— must have been sleeping. He smiled upon seeing Jungkook, but only for a few brief moments, and then his face fell, and he looked nervous. He stepped into the room, walked forward a few steps. Jungkook was breathless at the sight of him, simply because he forgot what he wanted to say. Did he have anything to say? Really, had he planned anything?

"Hyung, I...." Jungkook didn't know what to do. He felt guilty, and he still felt angry, but this was Seokjin, and— "I forgave Jimin-hyung, so... I want to forgive you, too."

Silence. Jungkook pushed his hands in his pockets. He was frustrated— so, so frustrated, "But I can't. I can't because... because I just— I don't understand, hyung. I don't understand any of this. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."

"You don't have to forgive me." Seokjin said quietly. He had moved to sit down on the chair; Jungkook moved to sit down on the couch. He sank into it heavily, and he felt at home. He'd become familiar with this couch— watching movies with Seokjin, taking a nap when he got overwhelmed with school, having a snack and laughing. He stared at a spot on the floor and pretended that wasn't familiar, too, "But I want to. I really do, hyung, because... I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want to, because... I can't be mad at you for loving me, right? But I am— I just am, because I don't understand why you played with me."

"I'm sorry." Seokjin muttered. Jungkook breathed, "Hyung... I know there must be a bigger reason. I know there has to be. I know you. Just— tell me, please."

Seokjin was silent for a long, long time.

"I have a tumor, Jungkook." Seokjin admitted quietly. He ran a stressed hand through his hair, closed his eyes, took a deep breath. Upon opening them, he saw the shock on Jungkook's face — the anger, the why didn't you tell me?, the sadness, the will you be okay?, and it all made it that much harder to say what he said next, but he swallowed down the lump in his throat and avoided Jungkook's eyes, "It's not very dangerous, but it's eating away at my memory. I love you, and I don't want to forget. I made Jimin so I wouldn't forget."

Seokjin gulped again. Jungkook was too shocked to say anything. Seokjin was always good at filling the gaps in their conversation. "I... was selfish, Jungkook. I didn't want you to love anyone else. I only wanted you to have my love. So I made Jimin. And he's so good, Jungkook. He's different from me and he's growing his own memories and his own personality and I... I want you to have him, Jungkook. Please."

Jungkook had shed two tears by now. He felt so confused. Seokjin had a tumor? A brain tumor? And he didn't say a thing? He didn't.... "Why didn't you tell me, hyung?"

"I'm an idiot? I didn't want to scare you? I'm supposed to protect you and I can't dump my problems on you—"

"Hyung, this relationship is not one-sided!" Jungkook exploded— finally, he lost it. He stood, and he started ranting, grabbing at his hair. "You always make it seem like I don't love you, too! Like I don't care about you! I feel guilty, hyung. I never realized it, but I feel so bad because you do so much for me and all I do is smile and tell you I love you. Why is that enough for you, hyung? Why are my I love you's enough that you feel comfortable keeping a secret so big? Why, hyung? Why do you love me so much? Why didn't — why couldn't you just keep me?"

Jungkook's tears were a flood, now. He sat back down, leaned forward. "You should have been more selfish, hyung. You should have kept me. You should have...."

Jungkook finally dropped his gaze, and he sobbed. Seokjin moved to him— very cautious, very slow. Jungkook sank right into him when he opened his arms. Seokjin held him for a long time— until his legs went numb with crouching and his shoulder was soaked from Jungkook's tears. Eventually, Jungkook broke the silence. "Are you going to die, hyung?"

"So far, no. I'm alright. I'm probably going to be able to get it removed very soon. I have to check into the hospital every week for updates." Seokjin said. Jungkook was clinging to him, his ear against Seokjin's heartbeat. "Then why did you make Jimin?"

"Because... one day, Jungkook, I'm going to forget that I love you. I have a feeling I'll just forget, no matter how quick they remove the tumor. I could forget before then. I could forget."

For a long, long time, Jungkook was silent. And, again, he broke that silence, "Hyung."

"Yes?" Seokjin said after a moment of silence, a moment of Jungkook waiting for a reply.

"Do you remember when you told me that... that Jimin-hyung remembers with his heart, not his head?" Jungkook asked. Seokjin nodded, "Yes," and Jungkook tilted his head up, looked at Seokjin. He was still crying, and he looked so pained, "I think you do, too."

"Jungkook, stop." Seokjin muttered. Jungkook sniffled, and he leaned up, and Seokjin wished he would have pulled back, but he didn't. He wished he wouldn't have closed his eyes, but he did. He wished he would have rejected kissing Jungkook, but he couldn't.

"Jungkook, please don't." Seokjin muttered, finally pulling away. Jungkook was still crying, and he bit his trembling bottom lip. For another moment, he was silent. He was thinking of which question to spill, because he had so many more. "Hyung, did you... have the tumor when you started making Jimin?"

"Not when I started. But when I'd completely mapped him out, I found out. I started to forget things, and I had the idea to give him what I had left." Seokjin said. He leaned back, but he kept Jungkook in his arms. Jungkook moved with him, looping his own arms around Seokjin. He wasn't looking at the older anymore, was laying against his chest instead. And he was silent for another moment, and he finally started to speak after a quiet minute, "So... what did you forget? I mean...."

Why would Seokjin remember what he'd forgotten? Seokjin shrugged, "I don't know. I forgot, like... what my old house looked like. I have a hard time remembering my parent's faces. Sometimes I forget... Hoseok. I forget his name sometimes. And... I forgot how to make a heart."

"How to make a heart?" Jungkook asked. Seokjin moved softly. He stood, and he took Jungkook's hand-- and down to the lab they went. Min Yoongi was still laying there, his chest void of a heart. Jungkook's eyes went wide at the sight of him. He didn't let go of Seokjin's hand when they stopped, and he took a step back, like he was scared. "Is... is that someone you made?"

"Yes. His name is Min Yoongi. I'm out of materials to make his heart, and... I don't know what to do." Seokjin said. He sat down on the counter, letting go of Jungkook's hand to do so. Jungkook stood beside him. Seokjin stared at the ground, confessed, "I almost took Jimin's heart. You said you didn't want him, but... I can't leave you without him. I want you to have him. He wants you, Jungkook. I know you love him."

"I do." Jungkook said quietly. He moved up on the counter, too. He leaned his head on Seokjin's shoulder, closed his eyes, "But I love you, too, hyung. Maybe I see you as my brother, maybe I don't. I don't know, and I don't want to think about it... but I do love you."

"That's all I need." Seokjin whispered. He found Jungkook's hand again, and he let their fingers link together. Jungkook had more questions-- about Min Yoongi, about Seokjin's memory, but he kind of liked sitting like this a little too much, so he bit his tongue and made the decision to keep the questions for later.

- - -

A/N: What kind of roller-coaster are we on? Damn.
This is quite short. I'm sorry. Seokjin and Jungkook kissed. I'm sorry. Jungkook loves Seokjin. I'm sorry. Taehyung and Hoseok are basically dead-- like where did they even go?
I'm going to wrap this all up pretty soon. I'm thinking, like, two or three more chapters? I'll write them pretty quick, I hope. Probably not. I'm the worst.
Thank you for sticking to this point. It means a lot, seriously. This is one of my worst fics ;-;