heartbeat // zayn malik AU

chapter twenty-three

"And it's you and me and all of the people,

And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you."

- Lifehouse [You And Me]

Ten minutes passed, with Zayn and I huddled together on the floor of Renee's bedroom, but it felt like an eternity. Finally, I pushed myself to my feet, and Zayn stood too. "I guess we'd better go get some snacks before they're all gone?" I suggested shakily, wiping tears and snot off my face, like the classy person I was. "We can decide what to do about... everything, later."

Oh, how many things the word 'everything' encompassed. My mother, Uncle Jack, Klaus, Tasha, Jack Sawyer, the plague, Council...

My head spun just thinking about it, and I let out a defeated groan, entangling my fingers in my hair and tugging at it distractedly. 

Zayn caught my hands in his own, gently. "Hey, Val, stop it. It's going to be okay. I don't know how or when or where, but it will be okay."

Refusing to meet his gaze, I said, "But it's not okay. Everything's all wrong and..." Suddenly feeling like I was going to be sick, I grasped him with both hands hissing, "I can't do this Zayn. I'm not strong or brave enough, and I've already fucked it all up enough. I'm going to get us all killed, and I'll never forgive myself and-"

I wasn't sure how long I rambled; all I knew was that the next thing I knew, his mouth was on mine, serving as a very effective silencer. I let out a gasp of surprise, and though everything in me longed to kiss him back, I ripped myself away from him. I honestly wasn't sure how I managed to break the trance of his intoxicating lips on mine, but somehow I managed--even though it left a ragged feeling in my chest.

"Zayn. Stop. We can't," I said desperately. "You have Astral."

Torment shone in his eyes. "Val, wait. I- I talked to Astral, and she said..."

"What did she say?"

He hesitated, and I realized whatever he and Astral had talked about was quite personal, and I was being a pry. "It doesn't matter. What matters is... What matters is that we're not together anymore. We- I mean... I still love her, but... it's different."

My guess was this was around the time where I threw a party, or at the very least, allowed him to kiss me.

Instead, all I could feel was overwhelming dread.

Not only had I gotten Amary-Rose killed, but I'd inadvertently broken Zayn and Astral up. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to never exist, so that people didn't have to be hurt because of my stupidity.

"Valarie? What's wrong?"

"No," I whispered. "Tell Astral you were wrong. Get her back, Zayn."

He moved towards me, as if to hug me, but I shoved him away. "I mean it!" I half-shouted. "I can't be the reason you guys aren't together anymore! I've already ruined everything-"

I didn't realize I was crying again till he swiped his thumb across my cheek, brushing away the first tears. "Val. I'm the one who ruined it all. I put you in danger, and the thing is... I don't know if I can protect you anymore. Things are going too far. After the events of tonight, nothing's ever going to be the same again. Council is going to blame the fire and the demon on the rebels. They'll come after us, try to kill us." He shook his head. "This is more than a battle, this is becoming a war."

Another moment of silence. Then he added, "And I don't want you to be hurt because of our world."

"What are you- what are you saying?" I was beginning to regret not kissing him. Maybe if I kissed him now, he'd shut up, and stop looking at me with that tortured look in his amber eyes, like he was about to lose everything.