Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

Naked Tracy's Snow Day

Naked Tracy crossed an item off her to-do list. It was the only item that mattered and now it was all good.

"Holy fuck," she said. Now I have nothing to do. I could do the rest of my list but that's stupid."

She looked outside. It was snowing.

"Shit." Naked Tracy hated snow. It made her cold, on account of it was winter and she was naked.

Naked Tracy kicked down her front door and ran outside, ready to fight the snow. "I'm going to fuck this up!" She shouted.

It kept snowing because, y'know, snow doesn't give a shit. Naked Tracy punched the snowbank and made a big dent.

"Jesus," said Naked Tracy. "Now my hand's cold." It was that motherfucker's fault, too. Stupid snow. She kicked it, and it made her foot cold.

Just then Stacey came around the corner. "Oh shit," said Stacey. "I thought you'd be inside today, Naked Tracy. It's snowing."

"Stacey!" Naked Tracy ran up to her and gave her as big a hug as she could, but it was still a small hug because Naked Tracy was fucking tiny. "I came out here to beat up the snow! Are you proud of me, bitch?"

Stacey was a little freaked out, but that was fine because it meant she wouldn't die of hypothermia in the cold. "It won't work, Naked Tracy. Look, the parts you hit are already filling up with more snow!"

"Fucking what?" Naked Tracy asked. "I thought I killed it!" She looked back at the snow and saw that there was more of it all of a sudden. "Where does it all come from?" she demanded, shaking Stacey until they were both crying.

"The sky, Naked Tracy!" Stacey shrieked. "It comes from the motherfucking sky! How do you not know that?"

Naked Tracy stopped crying. "Don't be stupid, only rain comes out of the motherfucking sky. Are you high? Because I'm down to toke."

"Well it's 10 in the morning," Stacey said.

Naked Tracy nodded. "Yeah, that's the perfect time to get high. Unless you're too drunk to figure out how."

"I'm serious Naked Tracy," Stacey insisted seriously, "snow comes from the sky. It's just frozen rain."

"Oh my god," Naked Tracy shouted. "So it's the sky's fault? I guess I'll have to punch the sky!"

She ran back into her apartment building and climbed up the elevator shaft to get to the roof, ignoring Stacey's protests and pleas for her life. Naked Tracy busted out onto the roof, and started shouting at the sky.

"Hey, you sky! You're ugly!" The sky wasn't really ugly, but Naked Tracy wanted to make it feel bad about itself. "Your parents aren't proud of you! You're a whiny bitch!"

The sky kept throwing fucking snow at her, and it didn't look like anything changed.

Suddenly, laughter sounded from behind her. Naked Tracy spun around to see who the hell was on the roof with her. It was an old man like the guy from Jaws.

"Who the bitch are you?" Naked Tracy demanded.

"Hahaha, I'm the last guy who tried to kill the sky," the old man said. "But then I learned a terrible secret, and I swore never to go near the goddamn sky again."

"But you're on the roof," Naked Tracy pointed out.

"Fuck," the old man said. "Anyway, the secret is that the sky's not a person."

Naked Tracy jumped up in surprise. "WHAT? The sky isn't real?"

"Haha," the old man said, "you must be a fucking idiot. It's real, just not a person. You can't fight it."

Naked Tracy grabbed the old man's beard and ripped it out, then shoved it down his throat until he suffocated. She noticed that his breath smelled like whiskey, so she cut open his leg and drank a bunch of his blood.

She turned back up toward the sky. "You motherfucker! I'll never let you get away with not being real!"

Naked Tracy jumped up to punch the sky, but she couldn't reach it. She saw some birds flying above, laughing at her.

"Fuck you, birds!" She shouted, jumping up and grabbing their shitty little wings. She used the birds to fling herself up into the sky and then climbed up onto a cloud. She could do that because they were snow clouds, and those were just frozen clouds.

The sky was right above her. "I'll teach you to snow on me," she punched. "On my fucking property," she kicked. "Onto my front porch!" She started choking the sky and it started crying snow because she was hurting it.

Naked Tracy spat the old man's whiskey blood all over the sky. "Snow this, motherfucker!" That was a cool line. She had to write that down.

Naked Tracy lit a match and threw it at the sky. All the whiskey in the blood caught fire, and the sky started being even more of a whiny bitch. She punched it a few more times to be safe, and then she bit it right in its fucking sky.

Now that the sky was on fire, and probably dead if it knew what was good for it, Naked Tracy jumped back down to the sidewalk where she'd left Stacey.

"Snow this, motherfucker!" She shouted at Stacey, hoping her friend would like her new catchphrase as much as she did.

"Are you here to kill me?" Stacey asked. "Is this finally it? After haunting me for ten years, are you finally going to rip my lungs out like you tell me you will every night in my sleep?"

Naked Tracy laughed. Stacey really did love her! "Haha, I killed the sky, Stacey! Isn't it fucking amazing?"

Stacey looked up, and saw that the snow had stopped. Instead, all the birds and bears and everything else living in the sky was on fire, and some of them were falling onto the street.

"All the world is ash," she murmured. "The sky in flames. You've destroyed this world."

Naked Tracy clapped her on the back. "Don't be stupid, you're just tripping."

"I'm not high," Stacey objected.

"Oh yes you are," Naked Tracy reminded her. "Remember when I hugged you earlier? I shot you full of so much fucking heroin and acid and shit, it's awesome. You're about to see so much shit."

"Well fuck," Stacey said.