Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

Naked Tracy's Newsroom

Naked Tracy burst into the office, naked... whatever things people have on them flailing in the crosswind. "What a fucking scoop, people! Do you have any idea what kind of shit just happened in the world?"

All the reporters and news people and interns and whoever the fuck works at a newspaper stopped what they were doing and looked up, quailing at the fire in her eyes.

One brave reporter—she'd have to promote him—said "What happened, boss?"

Naked Tracy waggled a finger at him. Not hers. She wasn't sure who it had belonged to. "What did I fucking tell you bitches when I bought this company?" She'd bought the company this morning, as a result of a previous exploit. It involved elephant, but that was all she remembered. That, and lots of blood.

The reporter dude shimmered. That's right, they were all holograms today. It was too hurricane-y for most of them to make it into work. That was also the result of the elephant exploit. She really had to look over the security tapes on that one.

"Ah. Sorry, motherfucking boss, sir. I forgot that you told us we couldn't say shit without talking like a normal goddamn person in this world."

"A normal goddamn bitch, I said, but yes." Naked Tracy didn't mind the small error. They were basically the same thing. "Anyway," she added, "the news is this: Someone, somewhere, has just written Piano Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"The song that Billy Joel released decades ago? Bitch?" The reporter asked. "My name's Tim, by the way. I forgot—uh, I fucking forgot that I forgot to mention it earlier. When I was fucking introduced." Well, at least he was trying.

"YES." Naked Tracy whispered. "Someone wrote out the lyrics. Like, why the hell wouldn't they just look it up online?"

Everyone gasped. This was way more important to write about than the hurricanes going on outside. They all scrambled to make interviews with people.

Naked Tracy sighed. She was bored of it already, both the newsroom and the fucking song. She'd have to find some shit to do to make this newspaper more interesting. "I'm fucking out for the day!" She shouted. "Someone do whatever the shit I'm supposed to." Everyone ignored her. It was pretty awesome.

Naked Tracy went back into her office and grabbed the duck that was sitting on her desk. It squawked and chirped and tweeted really loud, and she had to kiss it to shut it the shit up. Then it flew away but because she was holding it she flew away with it and they both flew away to somewhere more interesting and while they were flying she shot up some heroin just because and then she offered the duck some and it said that sounded fun so she gave the duck a good stiff snort of heroin and it liked it and then they arrived at a volcano or some shit who knows.

"Wow," Naked Tracy emoted, "This is a badass volcano!"

"Yeah," said the duck. "Volcanoes are always so fucking sweet. I love them so much. It's fucking amazing." The duck was right. It then flew into the volcano because it thought they were cool so it wanted to see the inside of them. It was right, volcanoes were pretty chill.

Naked Tracy pulled out her phone. "STACY." She said calmly into it, then opened it up.

"What?" Stacy asked from the other end. "Are you going to fuck my life up again?"

"Totally!" Naked Tracy giggled. "I have a volcano here!"

"Wow!" Stacy said. "I really don't want to be part of this one."

"Too late." Naked Tracy reached into the phone and pulled Stacy out, so Stacy was standing next to her on the volcano.

"That's pretty," Stacy said, "but I'm scared of you."

"Fuckin' A," Naked Tracy said. But she was too tired to think of something else to do, so they just had some salmon and looked at the volcano. Then they took a quick swim in the lava, and went home because it was getting late. After all, they didn't want any crazy plots to get in the way of their big day tomorrow....