Naked Tracy's Adventures in Madnessland

Naked Tracy, Time Traveller

Naked Tracy climbed out of the pool, shaking the vodka off her body. "I fucking love Vodka Friday," she exclaimed. "The booze pool has the best alliterative days!"

"Hahaha," the lifeguard said. "You only think that's alliterative because you're fucking smashed."

Naked Tracy threw the chair the lifeguard was sitting on at the lifeguard. "That's the point, you dick! Don't you know anything?"

"Hahaha," the lifeguard said. "Forgot about that, I'm tripping balls right now. What, you think I'm going to fucking pool sit you guys sober? Nah man, I got a little bit of molly, whipits, nicotine, fucking, whatever, like, gum and shit."

"That's trill," Naked Tracy shouted. She gave the lifeguard a high five and confidently strolled out into the streets. Everyone looked over at her and thought she was the coolest motherfucker to ever walk God's green Earth, and they wanted to give her money and all the awards.

"Oh shit!" Naked Tracy suddenly whispered. "I was supposed to go visit Mickey! My friend!"

She ran across town, through the suburbs and the ghetto, through the stores selling stilettos, through the plaza and the jello, through the schools and the prisons because she wasn't allowed near schools anymore. Finally, she reached Mickey's apartment.

She crashed in through the window, shouting "Mickey, my fucking—" she cut off when she saw that nobody was there. All she saw was a tastefully distressed couch, iced tea in mason jars from Mickey's mom, and a tuxedo from his prom that smelled like spoiled milk.

Naked Tracy walked closer to that fucking sweet couch, and saw a bunch of paper on it. The writing on the paper looked like a bunch of math shit, but on the top was a title that said, "TIME MACHINE. STAY THE FUCK AWAY THIS IS PROBABLY SUPER DANGEROUS."

"Time machine?" Naked Tracy gasped. "Fuck yeah!" She ran into the bathroom—the only place Mickey would ever had hidden his time machine—and saw a vortex in the sink. There was also a time machine in the bathtub.

Naked Tracy heard a bunch of voices coming from the time machine, and they were all screaming. That meant it was exactly like ever other object she had interacted with, but these screams sounded like they were fucking old. Or fucking young, they couldn't keep it straight, and that meant this had to be the real shit. The time machine!

"Let me time travel!" Naked Tracy screamed, beating the time machine with a rusty squirrel. "You piece of shit let me fucking time travel!"

The time machine sighed, and finally let her travel the fuck back in time. Naked Tracy soared through an acid-inspired montage of history, winding up somewhere in fucking Asia.

"Oh fuck," Genghis Khan shouted. "It's you!"

Naked Tracy turned around. "Genghis, you old bitch!" she shouted, recalling their previous adventures together. "I never thought I'd see you again!"

"I know," he said, "I came here and became a warlord specifically so you would never see me again."

Naked Tracy ran over and hugged him, causing him to catch a stroke off of the vodka she'd been swimming in. "I'm so happy!"

"I'm not," Genghis Khan said. "You fuck murdered my horse. Not until it had already had enough sex to be the ancestor of half the animals in the world, but still. I mean how dare you?" He added, before falling to the ground, completing his stroke.

"You bet your ass I did," Naked Tracy asserted. "Now let me travel somewhere else in this fucking timestream!"

The time machine sighed again, and let her travel through the fucking trippy montage again. She wound up in Victorian London, circa whenever the fuck Victorian London was a thing. "Oh my shit," she said, "is this going to be another fucking Jack the Ripper plot?"

"Fuck no," a random old woman shouted. "I mean, uh, no, m'lady, this doeth not be the fuckething story of ye olde hero."

Naked Tracy grabbed the woman by the tits and threw her against the wall. "That's good, but you just talked normal! Are you from my time?"

The woman looked like she was about to deny it, but obviously couldn't figure out how to do that in old English, because old English is for stupid people. "Fuck, I thought I could pull this off. Yeah, I'm a time traveller. From 2230, actually."

"Oh shit no way," Naked Tracy said politely. "How do I die?"

The lady shrugged. "You don't, unfortunately. Anyway, why are you here?"

Naked Tracy shrugged. "I forget, today has been one string of weird events after another, and I don't know if there's any real connection between any of this. Oh wait," she said, "fucking Mickey! My friend!"

"Wait, you know Mickey?" The lady demanded. "That's so cool, I went to school with that kid! Did he ever tell you about the time he pissed all over a mummy?"

Naked Tracy cackled. "Fucking yeah, I had to torture that out of him! You know where he is? We were supposed to shoot the shit this afternoon."

"He's around somewhere," the lady said. "I think he went over to the dinosaur time."

"Oh, great!" Naked Tracy said. "That makes him so much easier to find! Yo, motherfucker!" She yelled at the time machine. It sighed again, and the lady collapsed to the ground as Naked Tracy phased out of existence again.

She emerged into a large field, filled with all kinds of dinosaurs that totally existed at the same time as each other. There were fucking brachiosaurases, stegosaurases, T-Rexes, a couple flying fuckers, pterodactyls or whatever, it was sweet. And hanging out with them was Mickey.

"My friend!" Naked Tracy scream-said, hopping over to Mickey. "What the fuck is up, my man?"

"I'm trapped here," said Mickey. "A crazy woman trapped me here! By the way, did you really fuckmurder a horse?"

"Hell yes I did Mickey," Naked Tracy hooted. "But Mickey, who trapped you here Mickey?"

"I don't know," Mickey said.

"Hahaha," a voice called, "I fucking did!"

Naked Tracy turned around and saw the old lady from London. The old lady took off the old lady wig and stood up, revealing tanned skin, a swimsuit over a curvaceous body, and an ass to die for.

"The lifeguard!" Naked Tracy shouted. "Remember? From the beginning?"

"Who the fuck are you?" Mickey asked.

"That's right, Naked Tracy!" The fucking hot woman shouted. "I'm the lifeguard from the booze pool, you motherfucker! I did all this to your friend to get you back for throwing my chair at me! Bitch!" She said bitch exactly the same way as that guy from the documentary about meth. It was hilarious and they all laughed for ten minutes before continuing with their confrontation.

"But why do this to me?" Mickey asked. "I've never fucking heard of you."

"You're her friend!" The bitch of a lifeguard said. "She said that right after she left, so I beat her to your apartment and trapped you in the dinosaur time!"

"For what goal?" Naked Tracy demanded. "Something fucking nefarious, I'll bet!"

"So fucking nefarious," the lifeguard said. "Hahaha. I sent him here knowing that you would come, and then the dinosaurs would kill you both!"

"Fool!" Naked Tracy shouted. "These dinosaurs are all descended from Genghis Khan's horse! They were born with an instinctual memory of the relationship I had with it!"

The lifeguard's face turned into a grimace. "Shit! Alright, I'll still escape with this!" She pulled a baby out from behind her back, and threw it at Naked Tracy's feet. The baby's eyes blinked, much like the lights on a bomb or some shit would flash, and then it exploded awesomely. When the smoke and mist cleared, Naked Tracy saw that the lifeguard had escaped.

"Now we can get out of here, Mickey," she said.

And they escaped, but not before having a fucking awesome time with a bunch of historically accurate dinosaurs.