Soul Stories

Chrissy

This is the story of Chrissy. They have decided to use this name and remain semi-anonymous, please respect that. Thanks. :)

People don't believe me when I say I have depression. They think I'm too happy, or perfect, or carefree. But my friends have better lives than me.

I think it started in 3rd grade. I go to a pretty small school, and a lot of cliches are tightly knit. I used to be in a pretty large cliche, with my friends (these are made up names btw) Kayla, Samantha, Faith, Alana, and countless others I cannot name. There was only 1 bully in the entire grade, and she was in the other class. I remember the first time I noticed people talking behind my back-I came to school after I had a bad fever and I heard a mom talking to my mom: "She looks like she's been run over by a truck!" I was embarrassed for weeks. After that 'sick' day, I remember people started to blame me for things I didn't do. I was very hurt and confused-I literally sat the whole recess crying. I LITERALLY SPENT 20 MINUTES CRYING!!

In 4th grade, there was this boy. Let's call him Alex. He had come in the beginning of the 3rd grade year, and he seemed nice enough. There were two problems, though-the other boys teased him, and he pulled my hair. I learned to ignore him, and instead started to smile at him instead. That stopped him.

In 5th grade, I bonded with him. I felt like I could tell him anything, and we had the same interests. I told him about funny things that happened at home, and how we still celebrated my grandma's birthday after she died, and how we would go to Michigan every summer and spend a week in our family's cottage. He wasn't very good at schoolwork, but by the end of the year, he at least got a B in Spanish because I helped him with homework. He'd talk to me all the time about his dad's job, and how excited he was to see him again.

I should have known it wouldn't last. We grew distant again in 6th grade, and he left halfway through.

I gave him my email, and it's safe to say I'm pretty embarrassed. Now, I have only 2-3 close friends to confess my feelings to (and they listen and tell me to tell my crush I like him and then I cry about how its raining). The thing is, they bring themselves down.

I feel like every time my friends have a problem, I solve it, but when I do, they pretend that I'm fine and move on.

There have been days where I sit alone because people don't want to be around 'crying, dramatic, Chrissy'. It really does hurt.

Then, at the end of 6th grade, my dog died. She was my best friend, and I remember when we adopted her. She was my dog from the start, and whenever I'd come home crying she'd kiss my cheek and let me hug her for however long I needed. She was about 6(we think) when we had to put her down. I was sobbing, and shaking, and I couldn't breathe. I went to a friends birthday party later and they were like "Well why aren't you crying?" because I wasted all my tears in 10 minutes, that's why.

Now I'm in 7th grade. I visibly hear people, including my closest friends, talking behind my back. I hear my name, then laughing. I've approached them once while they're doing this, and they immediately stopped.

So, I've turned my eyes to theater and singing. I can't tell you how many times I've asked people how they like my song, or ideas for another, and they pretend they don't hear me. So, I put on a mask and put up walls. I act so happy and friendly and girly and crazy. I'm just a girl lost in the darkness, and I'm drowning in my own doubt.

This summer, I'm going to a confidence camp for the second time. It will be the second time I've seen one of my closest friends, Lily(please also note fake name). I don't know what will happen. I'll probably spend most of my time with the counselors, though. They're the only ones that are willing to sit around and let me tell them how horrible my life is.

Last month, I stated to consider cutting. I know I could never bring myself to do it, but at least it would be something to take my mind off my pathetic actions.

I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life. I have absolutely every flaw in the book, and even if people tell me I'm pretty, or smart, or funny, there's one friend that's always more. I'll never amount to anything.
(yes this is my pathetic life)
I hate trusting people. All of them throw my secrets to the world when I least expect it. I don't look forward to the day when my friends leave me.

I'm all alone.

💬ReadWriteInspiration💬
Wow. That is completely and utterly terrible. I also had no idea theatre and singing could really help someone(other than being a hobby). This has really helped me sort of understand depression a lot more. Thank you for this. I've said this already in PMing you, but I still think you(or anyone else who faces depression and anxiety this hard) should watch this: