Weight In Gold (Brendon Urie)

The Goodbye

Ryan's POV

"You can do this Ry, you can do this."

I utter these words to myself over and over again, but my stationary position doesn't change. I tell myself that I'm only going to get one more minute in the car, just one more minute before I step out and knock on the door. As the minute comes and goes, I find myself in exactly the same position as I was. I give myself another minute, then another, and then about 20 more before I can bring myself to stand up.

I step out of the vehicle and on to the driveway, where my head is immediately met with large droplets of water. My face becomes wet, but I'm indifferent about if it's from tears or water. Probably both, that makes the most sense. I look up to the pitch black sky and take a deep breath before walking up to the door.

I fear that at any moment, I'll go running back to my car and leave, never to return. I know I'll regret that, so I calm myself I count my steps as approach the front door.

1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . this is a terrible idea . . .4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . what if he doesn't even answer . . . 7 . . . 8 . . . 9 . . . It's too late now . . . 10 . . . 11 . . . 12 . . .

I stop walking and gaze at the black door in front of me. As I raise my clenched fist, my arm begins to tremble hopelessly. I close my eyes and whisper "It's now or never," before rapping my knuckles against the hard wood.

I stand silently for over a minute, and eventually figure that no one is coming. I'm turning away from the door to walk back to my car when I hear the gentle *click* of the door unlocking. I spin around and see just the face I was hoping to see.

"Ryan?" he says, sleep lingering heavily in his voice. He's wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants I bought him. His hair is sticking out at the sides and his eyes are bloodshot from exhaustion. "Hey Bren," I choke out, forcing a smile and praying that he can't tell I'm crying. "What's going on bud, are you okay? It's 2 in the morning?" I sniff and shrug. "I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by." I look down at my shoes when my pitiful attempt at a joke doesn't seem to amuse him in the slightest. "Ryan," he says, beckoning me to look at him. I tilt my head upwards and his face drops as he sees the steady stream of tears running down my face. "Do you need to come inside?" I try to shake my head, but I end up falling to my knees. Hitting the ground hurts like hell, but at this point it's nothing I can't handle.

Brendon rushes forward and engulfs me in his arms. I hold him much too tightly and sob onto his shoulder. Why is it he's always been the one there for me?

I inhale and take in the smell of him. He's always smelled like home to me. He's always been my only real family. I miss the days we spent watching clouds in my backyard. I miss him telling me that it was just a waste of time. I miss when things were normal. I miss when I could talk to him about truly everything. I miss when I was actually ok.

"Brendon," I say, pulling away from him gently. I look into his deep brown eyes and let the memories of our childhood run through my mind, thinking back to all the times we spent afternoons laughing until our sides hurt together. I don't remember the last time I laughed that much. I refocus my attention on Brendon's face and see that he's still awaiting the continuation of my thought.

"Since the day we met, I knew there was something different about you. I didn't just want to be your friend, like all the other kids in class did, I wanted you to hold my hand and send me Valentine's day cards. And when we got older and we went to our first school dance, I didn't want you to go with some eighth grade girl, I wanted you to go with me. And when you met Elizabeth, I didn't want you looking at her like she was the most beautiful girl in the world, I wanted you to look at me." I look at my hands and breathe in slowly, the bitter cold burning the back of my throat. "I never just wanted to be your friend, Bren."

Brendon looks both confused and shocked. "What are you trying to say, Ryan?" My words are almost in audible through my crying and the pounding rain behind me. "Brendon, I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time." Brendon's eyes grow wide and the color drains from his face. "Ryan, that's . . . that's . . ." I cut him off. "Don't talk. Please, don't. That'll just make this so much harder for me." I take a moment to compose myself as best as I can. "I know you don't feel the same way. I know you love Ashley and I know that this is the worst possible time for me to tell you all this, but it had to be said." I take amother breath. "And I swear to you, after today you won't ever see my worthless face again."

I look back up to see tears steaming down Brendon's face. "Ryan please don't leave . . . you don't have to leave." I shake my head at him as he tries to convince me to stay with him. I don't think him and I have the same definition of leaving right now. His leaving is reversible. Mine is not.

Brendon opens up his arms and pulls me into another one of his hugs. "Don't ever call yourself worthless, Ry. You aren't worthless. I swear to you Ryan Ross, you're worth your weight in gold." I pull away from his hug again and stare at him for the last time before handing him a thick white envelope. "Please don't open this until you know I'm gone." Brendon continues to cry, and so do I. I lean forward and kiss him on the cheek for the first and the last time.

"Goodbye, Brendon," I say before beginning to walk away.

"Hey," I hear him call after me just as I turn around. "Let's not say goodbye, okay? How about we say see you later?" His voice cracks at the end of his sentence. I give him a faint smile. "Okay, Bren. See you later."

I only say this to him to reassure him, and I can promise you, it's a lie.