Weight In Gold (Brendon Urie)

The Talk

Ashley's POV

I wake up and roll over, expecting to feel Brendon next to me, but much to my surprise he isn't there. I rub my eyes and sit up, looking around the room. The door is cracked open and I hear light mumbling from somewhere else in the house. I figure it's just the tv, so I don't bother to check it out. Brendon's digital alarm clock displays the time as 11:30 AM, which is very late considering it's my last day of spring break. I decide that I want to do something with my day, so I get up and walk over to my room where I take a fast shower and get dressed.

I figure that Brendon is downstairs, so I walk over to meet him. When I get to the top of the staircase and look down at the living room below, I'm surprised to see an abundance of people. I look a little closer to see that the people are Brendon, Aunt Rick, Uncle Jodie, and Ryan's parents. Brendon has his head in his hands and Ryan's parents look extremely upset, which distresses me. I bound down the stairs and turn into the living room. "What's going on?" I ask. Ryan's parents look at Rick and Jodie. "We better get going," his mom says and sniffles. The two of them stand up and quickly exit the house.

I'm about to ask what's going on when suddenly, Brendon shoots up from his seat and starts walking upstairs. I hurry after him and just barely reach him as he's shutting the door to his room. I push it open before it closes and walk in.

"Hey, what's going on?" I ask him worriedly. He's about to open his mouth to tell me when he steps forward and wraps his arms around me. I'm confused at first about what's happening, but then I realize that Brendon's crying. I've never seen him cry before, which makes me even more nervous. I feel my heart quickly sinking down to my shoes.

I wait a moment before repeating my question. "Brendon, what's going on?" Brendon pushes himself away from me and sits on his bed, pulling lightly on my hand so that I will sit beside him. "Ashley," he starts, looking extraordinarily hopeless. "Ryan's dead. He killed himself last night."

His words don't hit me at first. It takes a few seconds for the realness of the situation to kick in, but when I finally understand that this isn't a sick joke and that Brendon is very much serious, it feels like a 1000 pound weight has been placed on my shoulders. I stop breathing for a few seconds, and air only finally escapes my lungs when I let out a pitiful sob. Ryan's dead, I tell myself. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I had only known Ryan for 9 months, but that was still enough time for it to feel like an entire chunk of my world had disappeared before my very eyes. Then I think about how Brendon must feel, having known Ryan for almost his entire life.

"Why?" I'm able to get out through my painful sobs. "It could have been a lot of things," Brendon says, only slightly more composed than I. "He had really severe depression when he was younger, but I thought he was better. And..." Brendon closes his eyes and trails off. "And what?" I plead, desperate to know what could have made Ryan feel like suicide was his only option. "He came by last night. It was late and you were asleep. He looked like a mess, and he told me...he told me that he was in love with me. And that he had been since the second he met me. And he told me that I was never going to see him again, but the way he said it...I thought he was just running away or something. I regret so much. I regret not stopping him, or making him stay the night. I was the last person he saw. I should have stopped this. Maybe I should have told him that I loved him back, maybe I did love him back. I just don't know."

Ryan was in love with him. I don't know how that should make me feel, but all I can think about is how awful it must have been for him, having to keep it a secret for so long. "He also gave me this," continued Brendon, pulling a white envelope out of his pocket. "I couldn't bring myself to read it yet."

I take in everything that Brendon is saying and try to think of something, anything, to make it hurt less, but nothing helps. Ryan is gone. The happy, peppy, amazing boy who was nothing but a ray of sunshine is gone. One of the only people who I could rely on no matter what is gone. My best friend is gone, and nothing I say or do will bring him back. I put my head against Brendon's chest and cry until it feels like I'm laying on a damp rag. "I already miss him," I cry out. "I miss him so much." Brendon rubs his hand along my back. "I know Ash, I miss him too." Brendon seemingly subconsciously grabs at the fabric of my shirt when he says his next sentence. "His funeral is on Tuesday morning."