Don't Waste Your Time:Frerard

Ch. 11: A Past Revealed And Secrets Told

Don’t Waste Your Time: Frerard Ch. 11: A Past Revealed and Secrets Told

Days have passed and all of my belongings are at Gerard's. I must say. It feels weird to be living in someone else's house. Especially after being so used to locking yourself up in your own house. It's all different now, though. Gerard forces me to go out. He has me check the mail and he takes me to the store to get groceries. He takes me out to eat a lot and makes me order the food most of the time. Unless I'm having a bad day... And those tend to happen often. When they do, he usually stays home with me and we watch a horror movies together until I feel better. By then it's too late to go somewhere so we just take walks. He says the fresh air and a little bit of silence helps air out the anger and frustration. I find myself agreeing most of the time, but sometimes I just want to punch him... 

He's very persistent and refuses to help me with a lot of things. He says he wants me to be less dependent on him. He's right though. My whole life I've always depended on other people to do things for me because I was too depressed and lazy to get up and do it myself which makes me a total ass but I can't help it. It's how I am... I wish I could change and fix myself faster, though. It would be so much easier on Gerard, as well, considering the obvious fact that he just gave up his life to waste time on me so he can fix me.. I can't thank him enough. He's an amazing guy and I'm so happy I have him around but I just wish he was doing something better with his life.

He loves drawing and he's always adding more to his comic books. I like his drawings, too. They have a cartoonish look to them and they're unique- like him.  I can see him famous one day, selling his comic sabooks and doing something spectacular with his art. But he only draws and writes at home and refuses to have anyone see them but me. Not even Mikey, which I find rather strange. I don't push it though. I've brought it up, sure, but he refuses. He almost said yes once, but he backed down the next day, giving me an excuse, in which I nodded and said "Whatever you wanna do." But it still upset me... I want him to do something he wants to do. Not something he feels he must do... That makes me sad.  It makes me feel like he feels he is obligated to do this for me without a choice… I know that’s wrong to think in any way but I can’t help it… 

I guess that, whatever the reason is, I can’t really complain. I really like Gerard. The way he treats me is way better than I would have wished for in anyone. He makes sure I eat. He makes sure I’m happy. He does anything to help me fight back the depression and the insomnia. And, resulting in these nice things, I haven’t thought about, or tried, anything suicidal. I love the feeling, too. For once, I feel like I do belong. Like I actually fit somewhere in the world and I’m not some waste sitting around your house, dragging your life down an endless black hole of misery. No… I actually want to breathe air right now and I actually want to feel things. This whole happy thing. It’s making me feel better about everything, but mostly, me.

Before Gerard, I absolutely hated myself. I hated myself so much that there was one time I almost burned my face off with a lighter… Luckily Bob caught me and took it away but it was still bad… It got worse after that and then I was sent to a mental institute… The things I did, I will not speak of. They were in the past and I hate talking about it. Gerard doesn’t even know. That’s how quiet I am about it. But, anyways. Now I’ve learned to accept myself… I can’t live life hating myself forever. I knew that when I did, too. I always said that it would get better. I didn’t think it would happen this fast but I’m not complaining. I want to be happy. I want to smile everyday and be happy I still fucking exist. And isn’t it just amazing how one person- in this case, Gee- can make someone so happy that they forget what their life was for a second? It’s truly amazing.

So, for this past week, Gerard and I have done a lot. The day we finished moving my stuff in, we plopped down on the couch and watched a movie together, exhausted, and snacked on popcorn. That next morning, he took me to Starbucks and we walked to a comic shop. He showed me his favorite comics. That’s when he told me that he’s writing his own comic. Anyways, the next day he took me to the store and he handed me a list of things he needed… I hated this part. He left me alone in the store, around people who kept looking at me. I felt so dumb. I was scared of grocery shopping… But it was the thought of being in public around people and trying to find things, trying so hard to not ask for help… That was why it was scary. Especially since I locked my social life away years ago. After that day, Gerard promised to take it easy on me for the rest of the week, due to a panic attack I had.