Letters to Wyatt✔️

28

February 26, 2016.

Dear Wyatt,

Every day I'm on a campus of 44,000 students, and yet somehow I still feel so utterly alone.

I'm lonely, so so lonely. I'm away from my family, and I'm away from you, and I'm left with no one but myself. The only people I ever even exchange words with are Demeter, Matt, and my therapist. And one of them hardly even counts considering I pay them to talk to me.

It's times like this when I start to hate myself a little bit. Because truthfully, it's no one's fault but my own that I am by myself. Sure, I didn't have control over losing you, but I definitely had control over the countless friendships and relationships with family members that I destroyed in the few months following burying you, and I miss them. I took everything good I had in my life and destroyed it as if what I had just lost wasn't already enough, all because I was too prideful to accept their kindness or attempts to help me.

Sometimes I wish I could look through my contacts and call up an old friend like we were still as close as we were a year ago before everything, but I thoroughly burned those bridges and put up a barb wire fence in its place much too long ago to ever go back.

I have no one left, truly. No one but myself and this pain you left in my chest that makes me not even want to be around myself. And it continues to be my fault that things are like this. I wreck any relationship that could be before it even forms, and it feels like it's almost entirely out of my control that things happen like this.

Because anytime someone reaches out to me, it's like my arms are paralyzed and I can't reach back. I'm so detached from anything positive in this world that it's like I've formed an allergic reaction to it. I just can't process it anymore. Good things don't feel the same way they used to.

Nothing does.

I miss the way things used to be.

I leave in two minutes to go see my therapist, and I'm almost looking forward to it, solely because I crave a connection with someone that much. Therapy, occasional small talk with Demeter in the kitchen, and mornings at the track with Matt talking to me while I half listen and half space out are all I have left.

It's pathetic. I need to try to make friends, but I feel like I have nothing left of me to give to any form of relationship.

And so I'm stuck, friendless and detached from everyone I know, back to being hopelessly alone again.

Savannah

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