Melting the Ice

8; metathesiophobia

"metathesiophobia"

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(noun) Described as a fear of unwanted change, metathesiophobia reveals a deeper personal and existential challenge than most phobias. Metathesiophobia is rooted from an inner insecurity and the knowledge that we cannot control every detail in our lives, such as your best friend moving away or entering adulthood. One of the most beloved and misunderstood literary characters, Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye suffered from metathesiophobia on a small scale. Holden restrained change by running away and in a sense putting his existential dread on pause. 

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The week flies by really fast. I have the same routine every day and nothing really changed. I still can't visit my mother and that's really putting me in a bad mood. I miss her. I might sound silly since she barely speaks a word to me and when she does, it usually doesn't come anything nice from her mouth. 

But I still love her and I still want to see her. 

Miles has been a great support, trying to keep my mind off of it whenever we were together. I'm so happy I have him in my life.

I haven't seen Zach since last Monday when he showed up at the restaurant. On some days, I had to work longer and I couldn't go to the ice hall. But on the days that I did go, Zach didn't show up. I don't know if I was happy about it or actually really sad. 

I can't deny that Zach crawled into my head for some reason. I don't know why I'm thinking about him so frequently. I can't say that I know him, because I don't. That one time we held a conversation doesn't even count. He's still a mystery to me.

And I know I should not be thinking about him, but that makes me think about him even more. It's like my mind is playing tricks with me. 

But then, on the other hand, it was easier when I didn't get to see him. At least I didn't go to the ice hall with a big lump in my throat and my heart beating. It was like I am a teenager all over again. 

But a week helped a lot and I partly got him out of my head and stopped thinking about him. I had to focus on other things, anyway. My life is already complicated enough by itself, I don't need any more complications. I need to have my mind sharp at all times. There's no time for a distraction, especially not the one who goes by the name Zach Crawford. 

I finally mastered the double axel and it doesn't represent me any big difficulties to do it now. I still have a bit trouble with the triple axel, but it's much better from the first time I tried to do it.

I'm doing the triple axel on the ice and also try to perfect my Biellmann spin when someone interrupts me.

"My day is certainly getting better today," I hear the deep voice of Zach.

I didn't expect him. I didn't expect anyone. And he scares me so much that my body bolts, causing my finger to slip over my blade and I cut myself. "Shit!" I curse out, releasing my leg and looking at my finger. The cut is not deep, but it's long, covering almost my whole finger with blood. 

This is going to sting tomorrow when I'll have to clean the tables all those cleaning fluids. 

"Don't ever sneak up on someone who's doing a Biellmann," I tell Zach, skating towards the exit, just where he's standing with his arms crossed.