Forgetting Logic | Book One

6

•TW Chapter, be safe, love you•

I refuse to cry over you. I've been through too much without you to cry over you. So I've decided to stay silent. The less I talk the less your name rolls off my tongue. I've decided to blind myself. Out of sight out of mind right? I refuse to cry over you even when I feel like crying over you.

Im crying over you.

Why am I letting you break me?

-Alexander

Two weeks later and nothing has change. It seemed like I was just going through the motions of everyday life. I would stay up until 3, fall asleep, wake up, make coffee, get dressed, go to class, come back and then bury myself into my work. The worst part of it all is that I was now known as the gay guy who got raped in high school. People would take pity on me as if I was just this charity case. I'm anything but a charity case; I can handle my own I've been doing it for long enough.

I kept getting referred to different therapist and councilors. My God was it starting to get annoying. John and I weren't on the best of terms right, or any terms for that matter. After I blew up on him we've just been avoiding each other. I refuse to apologize either. He needs to understand that I don't need him to fight my battles for me. HE CALLED ME A CRY FOR HELP!

What, am I crazy now? He thinks I'm going to kill myself. So much confidence he has in me.

I stood in front of the west wing café. This was the quietest dining area out of the four. The north wing was the most popular. That's where majority of the seniors and juniors hung out at. The south wing was where the freshmen ate and the east is where most of the staff ate.

I held my books semi close to my chest shielding the papers I carried from the blow of the unruly winds. Strands of my hair flew into view of my vision; I didn't feel like a ponytail today so I just let it be. I pulled opened the door to the café feeling the warmth engulf me like a hug from a teddy bear. Only a few people sat at the tables in the middle of the café. I on the other hand inched over to the furthest table in the corner of the establishment. A tiny light bulb hung from the ceiling over the booth giving little light to set the calm atmosphere.

As I settled down into the soft cushion of the booth a ring that was barely audible came from the front of the café signaling that a new customer had entered.

"Where do you want to sit?"

James came into my view as I glanced at the tented double doors. He spoke softly as usual.

"Anywhere is fine with me."

A little to the right was Thomas. He wore his magenta cardigan and torn denim jeans.

I slid further into the seat of the booth leaning my back against the wall with my knees propped up against my chest. I watched as they sat down at one of the middle tables.

Ever since that night at the beach it made me think. Was there ever a chance that I could forgive Thomas for what he did? Did he deserve the satisfaction of knowing that I missed him as a friend? After the night at the beach I've been giving Thomas the cold shoulder. I wasn't regretful of what I said. I spent nights crying into my pillow, nights sitting on the ground of my shower as it rained down cold water, nights where I thought I was going to kill myself, and those nights are the nights when I needed Thomas to be there the most. Yet he was busy. Busy not caring what would've happened to me.

On days like these, seeing him hang out with Madison made me change my mind. Maybe he didn't deserve my forgiveness.

I watched them have a quiet conversation with each other and decided to get up and order my food. Walking to the counter was the hard part. Walking anywhere in public was hard. It felt as if all eyes were on me. Yet this time it wasn't my imagination, a pair of eyes were on me. They were attached to a curly haired male. I could feel his stare as he watch every step I took until I got to the counter. It was hard for me to concentrate as I ordered.

"Hi how can I help you today?"

"Hello. Um....A turkey sandwich with a bottled water please."

She totaled up the price of my order and I gave her the money. I kept my head down as I walked softly back to the booth where I once sat. Immediately I inhaled deeply as I laid my head back up against the wall where it previously was. My eyes closed and I rubbed my arm. Muffled sounds on feet against the floor became clear as they approached the table and sat on the other side of the booth. His presence was of a distinct nature. I could tell his presence from anyone else's.

"Alexander." His voice was barely above a whisper. You could hear the tears in his voice.

It was quiet between us for a bit until he began talking again. "It's okay. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Alexander there are no words to explain how sorry I am. I was young and dumb. I know it's cliché but it's true. I sat there and did nothing."

I opened my eyes feeling streaks of water glide down my cheeks. I turned around in my seat to face him directly. "I was going to tell you that I loved you Thomas. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and you go ahead and do some shit like that. How do you sleep at night?"

"What do you want from me I'm trying?!"

"I WANTED YOU TO BE THERE!" I slammed my hand on the desk "I was thrown on a bed and forced into! I bled out and screamed your name to come save me and you watched! I asked for no one else but you. No one else."

He sat there silent. Both of our faces were drenched in salty tears. I placed my left arm on the table and pulled up my sleeve. A group of cuts lined my forearm to my wrist they formed letters to form a word. A name.

Thomas.

He looked at me. Regret clouded his eyes and he rubbed the scars that formed his name.

"You were everything that I ever needed and more Thomas. When did you change? Where do you go when you go quiet, huh? Just a shadow of who you once were? You couldn't be yourself around them, so you became everyone else. Copying and mimicking their every move. Perfecting their habits so they'd become yours. You prayed that they wouldn't see pass the smoke screen but you didn't pray hard enough. Once they figured out who you really were they tossed you in the trash."

I pulled my arm away from his touch and leaned in. "So tell me Jefferson. How does it feel to be tossed away like trash?How does it feel to be betrayed by people you believed were you're friends, huh? Let me guess, it feels like shit? Well welcome to the club. I warned you that you had one more time to cross me and you did."

I leaned back and let my eyes become dull. "I would wish horrid things upon you but I'm not an evil person. May God bless you Jefferson. "

Le Chapter 6-sicle is finished. What are you guy's thoughts so far about Alex and Thomas?

Let me know in the comments! Oh and btw WE MADE IT TO OVER 300 WOOHOOO I LOVE YOU GUYS!