The Unchronicled Adventures Of Ahsoka Tano, Book Ten

Chapter Sixty-Five: A Loved One's Comfort

AHSOKA TANO

It was well past midnight by the time the White Saber had landed on Cialone. As far as Ahsoka was concerned, the glow of the two visible moons against the familiar starscape was a welcome sight – though she probably would have appreciated it more if she had slept at all the night before.

First she had had that terrible vision. Then, every time she had tried closing her eyes, she had seen them: Kaylira, Kaya Ti, Anakin... And not even their entire faces. Usually, it was just their eyes, but that had somehow made it worse – the way they had looked at her had accused her of horrible things she could not deny, pleaded for mercy she could not show them, or welled with tears.

Violet to yellow, hazel to lifeless white, blue to red, switching endlessly from one to the other over and over again until she had finally woken up. And even as the echoes of their voices had faded away and reality had come rushing back to her, she had had to bite her tongue almost until it bled just to keep from screaming.

And try as she did to put the pieces together, things weren't fitting into place into her head anymore. Memories she had once been able to look back on with certainty were becoming fractured until they were almost weak enough to shatter, and in places they had fallen away completely to reveal things she didn't remember ever happening... but that somehow still made perfect sense.

Ahsoka was coming undone from the inside out. She could feel it. Her mask had come undone, and now the only things that were holding her together were the bindings of all her obligations, even as they were the ones eating away at her.

Lux was waiting for her just beyond the foot of the ramp. She hadn't told him when she would be arriving – or even that she was coming home at all –, and yet here he was. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes as she caught sight of him, and, summoning the last of her strength, she dropped her bag and ran towards him.

Ahsoka... why did you leave?

He pulled her into a hug without a word, kissing her softly before folding his arms around her. Ahsoka leaned into his embrace, letting his warm arms chase away the chill of the night.

Before long, her whole body was shaking with silent sobs. She clung to Lux desperately, imagining that her grip on his sweater was the only thing keeping her tethered to sanity. In a way, perhaps it was.

"Can you tell me?" he asked. It was a simple question with many possible answers; many reasons why or why not.

You were selfish.

Ahsoka was silent for a long moment. Finally, she managed a shaky nod against his shoulder, lacking the courage to look him in the eyes. "I saw him, Lux."

"Who?"

"Anakin. It's..." Ahsoka shook her head, fighting against another sob rising in her throat. "I– I think something happened to him."

"What?"

"I... I don't... At the Temple on Lothal..."

She couldn't bring herself to say more. She squeezed her eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears and burrowed closer to Lux.

It's a vicious cycle, she thought. Something happens to the Master, and then something happens to the Padawan. Master Qui-Gon started it when he was killed, and he passed it on to Anakin. Anakin fell, and he passed it onto me. I left, and then my Padawans... oh, Kaylira; Kaya...

She had to stop the cycle from continuing. What she had to do was fixed in her mind, inevitable and unavoidable, but knew she didn't have the strength to do it.

Qui-Gon was gone. So was Obi-Wan, probably – she hadn't been able to sense him for years. Kaya Ti was gone too. The only ones that remained were her, Anakin and Kaylira.

Kaylira could be saved. She believed that. But Anakin...

You abandoned me; you failed me. Do you know... what I have become?

She didn't even know who Anakin – or, rather, Vader – was anymore. The only part of him she even remotely recognized was a dark reflection that wore his aura like a mask, who had swallowed up everything that had once been good about him.

"Is he dead?" Lux's arms tightened almost protectively around her, as if he were somehow trying to shield her from the answer. "Is that what you saw?"

Dead? He's worse than dead. Much, much worse. "Y–yes."

Why had she lied?

She was... ashamed. She couldn't bear the thought of Lux knowing they had named their son after someone who had such a terrible legacy; someone who had killed in cold blood and sided with evil. She didn't want him to know what her failure to stand by her son's namesake when he had needed her most had caused in the end.

I would never let anyone hurt you, Ahsoka – never!

And yet he was the one who had hurt her the most.

"Ahsoka... Gods, aniika..." Lux sighed, and she felt it as a small puff of air against her lekku. "First Kaya, now Anakin... I don't know what to say. Is there even anything to say? I mean, I understand, but–"

"Don't," she whispered. "Please. Just... don't."

"Aniika–"

"Don't. I... I'm not ready to feel better yet." Ahsoka let out a shaky breath between sobs. "Why does war have to take so many good people, Lux?"

"I don't know," he replied softly. "To test us? Because it was just their time? Either way, it's inevitable, and I guess the only thing we can do is hold fast to the people we love and hope for the best."

Ahsoka leaned up and kissed him again, letting herself get lost in the feeling of his lips on hers. It was a welcome distraction from... well, everything.

"So you'll hold onto me?" she murmured, tilting her head up to face him for the first time.

Lux's grey eyes glittered despite the dark of the night, and he reached out to put a hand on her cheek. "Always. I'll never let you go – no matter what."

*Such promises... But there is still so much Lux doesn't know; so much that Ahsoka is keeping hidden from him. Will her secretive nature prevail, or will she decide to tell him what she knows? And how will he react when she does? Could there be things about his family that he's keeping hidden from her, too? And speaking of family, will he decide to approach his younger brother to tell him of his true heritage, or will someone else get to him before he can? And where could the plans Lux has made with Enarion eventually lead? You'll find out in the next thrilling chapter of The Unchronicled Adventures Of Ahsoka Tano!

*runs around, flailing arms madly* SO MUCH FORESHADOWING IN THIS CHAPTEEERRRR

ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY HELP

Initially I wasn't one hundred percent happy with this chapter, since I couldn't really find a good way to make this chapter flow from the last one, which was originally chapter sixty-three. But this was already written and I liked it too much to change it to make it fit, so I ended up writing a whole other chapter just to tie it over XD

Basically I needed a reason for Ahsoka to be frazzled to the point of being about to cry at any second, and I didn't have that with this chapter as chapter sixty-four. Cruel and heartless writing, I know, but you know me >:}

So yeah, I'll do my best to throw together an extra update sometime this coming week to get up to an even number of chapters , but I'm en mode de rattrapage, as they say in French, meaning that I'm trying to catch up on a few different writing projects. May is going to be a... special month for writing for a combination of reasons, and I'll need some extra time to work on everything.

Anyways, it's 1:00 here and I haven't had breakfast yet, so I should probably go get that organized. I'll see you all in the next chapter :D

Learn to pilot an X-wing and may the Force be with you,

Sharron