dangerous love : a new beginning // myg

십일

241121
19:26

A little over a year ago Yoongi & I told the public that we're in a relationship.

Since then it's been hell for the majority of the time. It felt like I was reliving my high school past with Jessica all over again with the sasaeng fans. Although more ARMYS were being supportive of us, there were still many people (mostly Yoongi stans) who were upset. I constantly had fake rumours being spread about me and also received hateful comments and death threats. Sometimes I'd be stalked, followed, or even physically attacked. 

Not only was the lack of support/hate bothering me, but also the feeling that I was dragging Yoongi down. Ever since he became an idol, I felt like I've just been a burden to him. I'm always needy for attention and quality time even though he's busy and I'm also making him feel more stressed since he's always worried about my safety from sasaengs. Not only that, but I've also been creating a bad image for him in the media; he's always in the news because of me. The public is starting to see his more angry side each time I'm attacked. I don't want him to have a bad reputation or to be stressed because of me. 

Tonight I was alone in the dorm.

I laid in bed underneath the covers, thinking about everything up to this point.
All the hate messages,
death threats,
times I've been attacked,
or deprived of my privacy.
All the times I've heard the media shaming Yoongi for being mad at ARMYs because of me.
All the times I've felt alone.
My thoughts were consuming me again.
I've been trying to stay strong for so long now,

but I just can't win, no matter what I do.

I then came to realization,
that everyone is unhappy because of me.

ARMYs are unhappy
because I'm being with who they want to be with so badly

Bangtan is unhappy
because they can't put their relationships to the public because of the negative responses Yoongi & I got

Yoongi is unhappy
because he's always stressed and worried for my safety
because he is always frustrated over fans acting out of line
because this whole situation is taking a toll on his career & his relationship.

I've also realized that I can't be happy either.

I can't spend as much time as I want with Yoongi because of his schedule.
I can't love him as publicly as I want because fans will be mad.
I'll never be able to live normally, or peacefully.
Basically being happy makes others unhappy,
and I'd rather suffer than to have others suffer.

I rolled over, causing my blanket to shift and stop covering my head.
I opened my eyes and stared at my closet door.
I thought for a moment,
about if I should do it.
I argued in my head by myself,
"Do it, you know you want to. You need to suffer so that others can be happy."
"Don't ! You promised Yoongi Oppa you wouldn't anymore !"
"No, do it ! You're a burden to everyone !"
And in that moment, I made a decision.

I got out of my warm bed and walked up to my closet door,
staring at the box on the shelf above me.
I reached up to grab it and plopped to the floor once in my reach.
I dug through the box of miscellaneous items until I found what I was looking for.
I pulled out the lighter that I've been hiding for awhile now.
Although I promised Yoongi that I wouldn't hurt myself again,
I kept this just in case I was feeling lower than I've ever been.
Now was the time I've been saving it for.

I pressed down on the striker wheel,
igniting a small bluish/orange flame.
I stared at the heat for a moment,
thinking about all the suffering I've caused everyone;
and then I did it.

I brought the flame to my skin
and winced at how it was burning.
All of the pain I've felt emotionally for the past few years
was transforming into physical pain.

"I don't deserve to be happy" I thought, bringing the flame to another spot on my arm.

Tears streamed down my face as I screamed out in frustration.
I've been crying for hours now.

I just wished everyone could get what they wanted in life,

but it just doesn't work that way.No  matter what you do, you can't win.

—

22:49

I was still sitting on the floor after awhile of using the lighter. I was still crying, but more so because of the physical pain now (which would eventually go away). 

Suddenly, I heard the door unlocking.

Quickly I threw the lighter back into the box it came from and shoved it into the closet, then jumping back into bed. 

"Noona !! It's Jungkook !! I'm home !!!" I heard from a distance. I tried to contain myself, pretending that I was asleep.

"Yoongi Hyung & the other hyungs are still at Big Hit working on something but they told me to go home to check on you !" he yelled again. I then heard a knock on my bedroom door followed by Jungkook entering. I was turned away from the door so that it'd look like I'm sleeping.

"Noona ? Are you awake ?" I heard him say as he got closer. I didn't answer. "Hmm you must be sleeping ..." He said quietly I heard his footsteps going to the door. 

As he finally left, I let out a sigh of relief. 

—

a/n :

gUYS IM SORRY IVE BEEN HIATUS FOR LIKE FOREVER !!!!! its literally been more than a month since my last chapter on this book, im so sorry; ik many of you have been waiting for this >.<

i hope yall dont think this chapter is trash,, its been awhile since ive written parts of my stories. i'll try harder to update more often !!

ive missed u guys btw ㅋㅋㅋ i hoped u enjoyed reading this !!

~ jazunyan