dangerous love : a new beginning // myg

이십 육

261222
14:22

I was home alone, watching TV while Jae was out again. I flipped through the channels and came across MNet. I stayed on this channel to catch up on the latest music I've been missing.

My eyes were then glued to the screen after seeing some familiar faces. Bangtan's new music video was playing. It's been so long since I've seen heard any of their songs or seen their faces. I missed them, especially Yoongi.

Their new title song was called "Spring Day". At first I watched carefully, not paying attention to the lyrics. Seeing their faces again made me miss them so much. Yoongi appeared on the screen after a couple of minutes and I felt my heart drop as soon as I saw him. He still looks so handsome. I felt a tear drip from my eyes and I realized I was crying. I didn't realize I missed him that much.

After the music video ended, I decided to watch again, this time paying attention to the lyrics.

"I miss you
When I say that, I miss you more
I'm looking at your photo
But I still miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate us
Now it's hard to even see each other's faces"

These lyrics sounded like Yoongi was talking about me (since Yoongi is the one who writes their songs). I looked past it and continued looking at the lyrics.

"I miss you
I miss you
How much more do I have to wait?
How many more nights do I have to stay up?
Until I can see you?
Until I can meet you?"
Yeah I hate you
Although you left
There hasn't been a day that I have forgotten you
Honestly, I miss you
But now I'll erase you
Because that will hurt less than resenting you"

This was definitely about me. I paused the video and cried harder than before. It hurt so much knowing Yoongi felt like this, that I was the one who made him feel that way.

After a calming down for a couple of minutes I decided to watch their other most recent music videos– I Need U, Dead Leaves, and Save Me.

As soon as the I Need U video started, I cried (a/n: i caN RELATE LMAO). The motel or apartment Yoongi's scene was in looked similar to our old apartment. Maybe this was intentional.

I paid close attention to the lyrics as I watched.

"Because of you, I'm becoming ruined
I wanna stop, I don't want you anymore
I can't do it, this sucks
Please don't give me any excuses
You can't do this to me
All of the things you said are like a mask
It hides the truth and rips me apart
It pierces me, I'm going crazy, I hate this
Take it all away, I hate you
But you're my everything
Everything
Everything
Please go away
I'm sorry (I hate u)
I love you (I hate u)
Forgive me
I need you girl
Why am I in love alone, why am I hurting alone
I need you girl
Why do I keep needing you when I know I'll get hurt?"

It was hard hearing these lyrics. He needs me, but I left. How could I do that ? I finally realized how bad of an idea this all was.

Next was Dead Leaves.

"Baby you girl I can't hold onto you
Baby you girl I can't give up on you
Like the dead leaves that fell
This love, like the dead leaves
Never never fall
It's withering"

"Baby you girl" reminded me of how Yoongi would call me 'Babygirl'.
Next was Save Me.

"I'm trapped inside of myself and I'm dead
Don't wanna be lonely
Just wanna be yours
Why is it so dark where you're not here
It's dangerous how wrecked I am
Save me because I can't get a grip on myself
Listen to my heartbeat
It calls you whenever it wants to
Because within this pitch black darkness
You are shining so brightly
Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall"

I was crying even more now, but for a different reason. What if Yoongi was hurting himself again since I left ? What if thats why he's saying "save me"? I felt so bad for not being there for him in such a dark time in his life; in fact, I felt even worse for causing that dark time.

After Save Me, I came across his mixtape that he recently released a couple of months ago. I noticed that he released it under the name "Agust D" instead of his BTS stage name, Suga. Maybe this would showcase something different from his idol personality.

I listened to the mixtape and it was amazing, as all his other songs are; but one song stood out to me in particular– The Last.

"On the other side of the famous idol rapper
Stands my weak self, it's quite dangerous
Depression, OCD, they keep coming back again from time to time
Hell no perhaps that might be my true self
Damn huh feeling estranged in reality
The conflict with ideal, my head hurts
Around the age of 18, socio-phobia developed in me
Right, that was when my mind was gradually polluted
At times I'm scared of myself too,
Self hated and thanks to the depression that takes over me
Min Yoongi is dead already (I killed him)
Comparing my dead passion with others, it's now a part of my daily life"

I hugged my pillow tightly as I cried to the sound of his voice. He wrote about the depression he's been feeling for so long.Maybe this song was produced from something that triggered it.

—

16:24

I had fell asleep listening to his mixtape. It was nice hearing his voice again. My pillow was soaked from all the tears I had cried this afternoon.

I woke up abruptly by a voice. I fluttered my eyes open to see Jae hovering over me.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS HUH ?" He yelled, throwing my phone towards me, revealing what I had been listening to.

"W-What ? What's wrong ? I was just listening to music .."

"You were listening to his music." He said coldly.

"So ? What's wrong with that ?" I asked, confused.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT ?? YOU SAID YOU DON'T MISS HIM, THAT YOU LOVE ME NOW. IF YOU DON'T MISS HIM, WHY ARE YOU WATCHING HIS MUSIC VIDEOS AND LISTENING TO HIS SONGS ??"

"THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. YOU'RE OVERREACTING." I yelled back.

"Do you miss him ?" I was speechless. "Your eyes look like you've been crying. You do miss him."

"Jae I–" I was interrupted mid-sentence by a stinging feeling on my cheek. Jaehwa slapped me. Tears dripped down my face. I couldn't speak, or move; I was too in shock. He was definitely back to being his old self.

"Fuck you .." He said under his breath as he pushed me onto the bed and walked away. I watched him drive off from the window. 

When I was sure that he was gone, I quickly packed as much as I could into a duffle bag and left too. I didn't want to stay and see this escalate further. I needed to leave before it could get worse. I took the next train to Seoul and didn't look back.

—

a/n:

90% of this chapter is just song lyrics hahah

~ jazunyan