Switch Up

Chapter 26

Blair

    I was sitting with Erin in the cafeteria. She was telling me one of her stories, speaking so passionately that I should be interested in what she said. But instead, I was drowning in my thoughts. I was drowning in my feelings. Even though Erin was with me and she was talking to me, I felt like I was alone.

    Claire and I had spent three years barely talking to each other, but it didn't compare to how we were now. In the past three years we made small talk and at least acknowledged each other, but now Claire wouldn't even look at me. We pretended the other didn't exist and deep down, it was destroying me. Having your own sister hate you felt horrible and even though I knew I deserved it, I couldn't help but wish things were different. I also couldn't help but hate every ounce of myself.

    "Earth to Blair, are you listening to me?" Erin suddenly asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

    "Yeah," I lied, forcing a smile in hopes that she wouldn't notice how upset I was.

    "Really?" Her eyebrows rose. "Okay, sure."

    I flushed at those words because she had caught me. Feeling guilty, I looked down and hoped time would fly by. All I wanted to do was run home and be in bed.

    "Is something wrong?" Erin asked. "You seem... Sad."

    "No," I lied. "I'm fine, just tired."

    I looked back up and saw that Erin was analyzing me. Flushing, I looked away again because I didn't like it when people tried figuring me out. I didn't like opening up and no offence to Erin, but she wasn't someone I wanted to open up to. Erin was my friend, but she wasn't the most open minded person. She wouldn't understand why I did what I did with Carter.

    Erin and I began to sit in silence again and I found my heart sinking. I felt so sad and alone. Especially with my parents ignoring me at home because Claire hadn't been eating dinner with us lately, so they didn't feel the need to talk to me. That left me with no one to turn to. Gulping, my eyes began to wander around the cafeteria, in search for someone.

    Soon, my eyes landed on Carter. He was with his hockey team, grinning widely as he spoke to them. I stared at him, admiring the way he stayed strong after I had broke his heart. Somehow Carter was able to smile and enjoy himself, and I was left to drown in thoughts, even though I had been the one to mess up everything.

    My eyes wandered to Claire's table and I noticed for the millionth time that she wasn't in the cafeteria. She hadn't come to the cafeteria in a while and I wondered if it was because of me. I wondered if she hated me so much that she couldn't even be in the same room as me. My heart ached at the thought.

    I looked back at Carter and stared at him, wondering if he would look at me. Desperately, in need of someone, I hoped he would. I didn't know what I would get out of it, but I just really needed someone.

    To my surprise, Carter did look at me. The second his eyes met mine, however, his grin fell. His eyes then flew away and I realized he hated me. Even though I deserved it, I felt like crying at the thought because Carter had been the only person who wanted to spend time to me. He was the only person who thought I wasn't a waste of space and now he hated me. I hated myself so much.

    Getting up, I ran off, wishing to be alone. Erin didn't even call after me, which made me realize that I was already alone. Nobody cared about me and I put a hand to my mouth, wanting to cry. But fighting back tears, I just went to my locker and sat in front of it, drowning in regrets.

*****

    I sat the the dinner table and my parents sat across from me. Claire hadn't come home because she was hanging out with Ryder and I knew deep down she was avoiding me. She didn't want to be in the same room as me, so she was going out of her way to get away from me. My throat felt constricted at the thought and I lost my appetite.

    Glancing at my parents, I watched as they ate their meals quietly. Neither of them spoke and neither of them had said anything to me. With Claire not home, they didn't feel the need to speak and that left me feeling like I meant nothing to them. What kind of parents didn't even say hi to their daughter when she got home?

    Minutes passed by and my parents finished their meal. They got up and left after that, leaving me sitting in the kitchen alone. I sat there for an hour, staring at my uneaten food. With nothing but silence surrounding me, I knew that, that was what my life would consist of from now on.

    No one cared about me. No one loved me. The worst part was, I deserved it. I was selfish, emotional, and horrible overall. After everything I had done to Claire, I deserved to be punished by having no one at my side. I knew I deserved it, but that didn't stop the amount of pain I felt at the thought.

    My eyes tears up and I bit my lip to fight back tears. Glancing at my phone, I thought about stooping to calling Carter. Because I needed someone desperately, I wondered if I should continue being a horrible person and call him.

    But then, I forced the idea away. Knowing Carter didn't deserve to be used, I knew that I had owe up to my sins. I had to deal with my punishment because I had brought it onto myself. By being such a horrible person, I deserved everything that was happening.