Switch Up

Chapter 34

Blair

    The one thing I learned was that time could heal you. Life was hard and you weren't always going to be happy, but things change. Things get better, I realized. It was hard to believe that after years of hating myself and feeling alone, but suddenly, I almost felt happy.

    Claire and I had so many ups and downs throughout the past couple of years and it was hard to believe that we could make up. But, we did. Neither of us felt bitter towards the other and we were back to being close. It was crazy to think that had happened after all the drama we'd been through. But then, I knew that the bond between family was unbreakable. No one, especially a boy, could tear two sisters apart.

    Thinking about Carter, I then thought about how Claire told me I deserved to have some sort of closure with him. At the thought of Carter and the past we shared, my heart began to race. I felt nervous at the thought of talking to him, but then I realized that Carter deserved an apology. A sincere one, which I felt like I never got to give to him.

    At that realization, I decided to suck up my nervous feelings and I picked up my phone. Calling Carter, I became surprised when he picked up almost immediately. My heart stopped for a moment and I wondered if I should go through with what I was wanted to do.

    "Hi Blair," Carter said. "What's up?"

    Carter didn't sound mad at me. He didn't sound like he hated me, which left me relaxing. I wondered why he wasn't upset after what I did to him, but decided not to ponder over it.

    "Can you come over?" I asked. "I want to talk... about everything."

    "Sure," he replied. "I'll be there soon."

    We said our goodbyes and I hung up. Taking a deep in, I prepared myself for what I would say. Although I told Carter I was sorry, I felt like he deserved the truth behind my actions. He also deserved a genuine apology, which I was ready to give him after finally learning to not hate myself.

    Carter soon came to my window and he knocked on it gently. I walked over to it and threw it open, and smiled when Carter grinned at me. He stepped into my room and we stood where we were, staring at each other for a moment. Nostalgia filled me at the memories we shared and as we stared at each other, I hoped we could remain friends.

    "Look, before you say what you want to say I have to say something first," Carter said. "I'm really, really sorry for telling Tori I hooked up with you. I was just really hurt after what you did to me and when Tori and I were hooking up, I felt vulnerable and my feelings just spilled out to her. I never meant to hurt you and I'm so sorry Tori told our entire school about us."

    His words left me surprised because I forgot Carter was the reason why I had my breakdown. Staring at him, I found myself not bitter. I found myself not mad at him, despite the fact that he had unintentionally made me miserable. Because the truth was, I understood. I could completely relate to what he did.

    "It's okay," I said, eyes softening. "We all make mistakes and honestly, I want to apologize too. That's why I asked you to come over."

    Carter nodded, his eyes softening as well. My heart felt warm as I took in how kind Carter was. Despite the fact that I had used him and hurt him, he was still so nice to me. He was such a good person and I really hoped for the best for him.

    "I'm a really insecure person and I've never felt loved. I've always hated myself," I said. "But then you came into my life and you made me feel wanted. You made me feel more secure and with you, I didn't feel so alone and I was able to forget about all my problems. That was why I kept hooking up with you. To stop hating myself for a mere moment, I tried to force my attention on you. But, that was selfish of me. I used you and I shouldn't have, and I'm so sorry for hurting you. I should never have done what I did and I hope you can forgive me."

    Carter stared at me, his eyes sad. I blushed, embarrassed about how pitiful I was. But then I told myself that it was okay to not be happy. It didn't make you a freak, so I stared at Carter, hoping he'd understand that I meant my apology from the bottom of my heart.

    "I understand. Like you said, we all make mistakes," Carter said. "But, I hope you don't hate yourself anymore. Blair, you're an amazing person. You don't need to be insecure."

    "I don't think I hate myself anymore," I said, smiling a bit. "Thanks to Claire, I'm starting to feel better about myself. I think I might be happy."

    Carter smiled. "I'm really glad to hear that."

    I couldn't help but smile back at Carter. He was such a sweet guy. I was lucky that I had chosen him to hook up with because to be honest, I didn't regret the past anymore. Although I wished I never hurt anyone, I understood that the past existed so you could learn from it. So even though it had made my life a mess, I realized it also made me come to realize that I could be happy.

    "Thanks for everything," I suddenly said. "Seriously Carter, if it wasn't for you I would never have been able to improve myself. Thank you."

    "You're welcome," Carter said. "Seriously, I'm happy for you and... I hope we can be friends from now on."

    "For sure." I smiled. "That sounds perfect."

    Carter opened up his arms and smiled at me. I took a step forward and hugged him, feeling warm inside because I was friends with Carter. I never wanted to be on bad terms with anyone, so I was happy we could be friends.

    Claire was a genius for suggesting I should have closure with Carter. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and as Carter hugged me tightly, I found myself growing excited for my future. For the first time in my life, I was looking forward to my life. I wasn't drowning in what a waste of space I was, but instead growing excited for what I would achieve in the upcoming years. At the thought of that, I found myself growing confident hat I would actually be happy and secure in myself one day.