Switch Up

Chapter 31

Claire

    I was nervous. It was a weird feeling because I was never scared of presenting in front of my classmates. I never cared about sharing my feelings either. But with Blair sitting across from me at the dining table, I found myself growing anxious. There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't know what exactly I needed to say.

    Blair also looked nervous, but more than anything she looked deflated. She was staring at the table, a blank expression on her face, and pity filled me. Her breakdown at school left me scared and worried. I had never seen Blair cry like that and from that, I knew our situation had taken its toll on her. And despite everything she did to me, I felt horrible for what I had done. I never wanted to hurt Blair.

    "Are you okay?" I finally asked, wanting to break the tense silence.

    Blair looked up at me and her eyes held a sadness that hurt me. She didn't reply for a moment and we stared at each other, taking each other in. I thought about how we looked identical, but yet we were so different.

    "No," Blair finally said. "I'm not."

    Her words caught me off guard because Blair was the type of person to hide her problems. Whenever she was upset when we were younger and I would ask about how she was feeling, she would simply say she was tired. I couldn't believe I got the truth out of her, which left me knowing I needed to hear her side. To try to understand her and what she'd been through, I knew I had to finally ask her about why she did what she did.

    "I'm ready to hear your side of the story," I said, sighing. "Tell me why you did what you did with Carter and be completely honest."

    "Why?" Blair asked. "It won't change anything. Trust me."

    "You wanted to explain yourself before." I frowned, wondering why Blair was suddenly against explaining herself. "Why are you saying that?"

    "Maybe because I realized I'm a horrible person who shouldn't be forgiven. Honestly Claire, what I did was horrible and I'll never stop hating myself for it."

    I stared at her, unable to bare hearing her talk about herself like that. Even though I had thought of Blair in the same way at one point, I didn't want her saying such horrible things about herself. It broke my heart and suddenly, I realized I would never stop caring about Blair. The both of us needed to talk things out. We needed to talk about everything that happened since freshman year.

    "Okay, then let me explain myself for what I did in freshman year," I said. "I know we already kind of been through this, but let me get into the details so you can understand why I pushed you away for three years."

    Blair didn't say anything to that, but she kept her full attention on me. I took that as encouragement, so I began to explain myself.

    "Look, I'm naive. You know that, so you have to understand that I thought being popular was the only way to have an amazing high school experience. For some crazy reasons I thought high school would only be the best four years of my life if I was one of the most popular girls in school. So that's why, I really wanted to be popular in freshman year," I said. "I was never popular in elementary school and you were literally my best friend. We used to hang out all the time back then and that's why I knew that I would become popular with you. Because I couldn't imagine doing anything without you at my side, I really wanted you to become popular with me."

    I paused at that, remembering the day years ago when I had asked Blair to become popular with me. My heart dropped at the memory, remembering how hurt I was, and I remained silent for a moment. But then remembering I owed Blair the truth behind my actions, I pushed on.