If everybody around you is yelling, sobbing, and tearing themselves apart, and you have absolutely no reaction to it, does that make you a monster?
I remember my grandfathers funeral, even the toughest people around me were broken down, sadness lingering and everybody in tears-everybody but me. I was a blank slate like I've always been. I felt absolutely nothing. My brother lashed out on me, calling me twisted, monster, and many other insults because I simply felt nothing. I've never felt anything, so I don't get why that time was different.
I've always faked emotions, as I was never really good with expressing them or signifying what I felt, I was afraid of getting hurt and my body instantly shut everything down. I have such a high pain tolerance that sometimes it frightens me. I could be skinned alive or watch my family being slaughtered on repeat and feel absolutely nothing. I can only express my own self-loathing.
I've been called devil-child, sadist, masochist, selfish, and manipulative on multiple occasions, so I just except what people think of me. It's not like I have any reason to lash out or act the way I do, I suppose I was just twisted from the start.
I drive everybody away, and cling on to meaningless things to try and feel something. To feel anything that doesn't have to do with my own personal gain.
I become hysterical when something doesn't go as I planned, and throw fits when somebody has the upper-hand. I block myself away from the world and rebel when somebody tries to control me.
I'm probably gonna delete this later. I'm just spitting nonsense. I'll be gone for a while, so don't bother tagging me or whatever.
