While We're Young (Marianas Trench)

Chapter 12

Days have passed, in fact it's alreasy Canada day. So much for going to see fireworks together; Josh hasn't texted or called me since I left. I'm more worried than pissed off. I know that Sara was there when I left, but what if she's gone now? What if he's all alone? It's not good to be all alone with your thoughts after a tragedy. I decide to call him, if he's not alright he won't answer. Then I'll wait thirty minutes and call again. If he doesn't answer then, he's probably in trouble. That's when I'll show up at his house.

I dial his number and listen to it ring once, twice, ten, twenty times before it says, "You've reached the voice mail box of 'Josh fucking Ramsay' please leave a message after the tone." I hang up before it can beep at me and sigh. Maybe he's just busy? I should be busy too, I haven't gone to work in about two weeks. Taking care of Josh was a full time gig, I had to take all of my personal time for it. Now that I think about it, I could have done stuff while I was there. I work at an online news site, so I could have easily written an article and emailed it to my boss. But I didn't, and now I'm probably at risk of being fired.

I pull out my laptop and start writing about grief.

They say that there are seven stages of grief. The first one is shock and disbelief, which doesn't come as a shock, pun intended.

I close my laptop in frustration. Who am I kidding? This isn't going to work when I'm still thinking about Josh. I'll just end up making my opinion sarcastic and dry, which my boss will not appreciate. Has it been thirty minutes yet? I don't care, I pick up my phone and call him again. After five rings it goes to voice-mail. He declined my call! What the FUCK?

I get up and storm out of my apartment, grabbing my keys on my way. He's got some nerve to decline my call. I get it, his mom passed away, he was close to here, but pushing everyone else away is not going to help him. I get in my car and shift into drive, speeding off towards his apartment. Will he even let me in? He definitely won't be happy to see me, since he kicked me out on Wednesday. My mind races backwards: things were going so perfectly, and then it all came crashing down.

I pull into the parking lot and run into the lobby, pressing Josh's number. It takes a moment, but he answers through the speaker. "Go away," it sounds like he's been crying. Obviously he's been crying, I don't blame him.

"I won't make the same mistake twice." I reply, waiting for the click of the door. It doesn't come. "Joshua Keeler Ramsay, you cannot keep hiding, wasting away in your apartment. You need human contact, and I know your sisters aren't here. Let. Me. In." Finally, the door opens and I bypass the elevator, just like a few weeks ago, running up the stairs to his penthouse.

When I get through the door, I'm hit but the smell of intoxication. It wreaks. "Josh?" I call out, I can't see him in the living room or kitchen. I hear a moan from down the hall and quickly make my way to the bathroom. "Why?" I ask, tears pricking at the backs of my eyes. I kneel down behind him, pulling his hair away from his face. He wretches again and looks over his shoulder at me.

"I can't, Lex, I can't," he sobs. I let him fall into my lap and hold him in my arms like a baby.

"Shhh," I sooth, gently running my fingers through his hair. "It's okay, it's going to be okay, you're going to be okay." I want, so much, to be the reason he smiles again, but I don't know how long it will take.

"The funeral is on Monday." He says finally, sitting up and leaning against the tub beside me. "I don't think I can do it alone."

"What about your dad and your sisters?" He shakes his head, taking my hand in his. There's desperation in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry. I never should have said that I don't want you here. I need you, Alexis. I need your quirks, I need your laugh, I need your smile, and most importantly, I need you to come with me so that I don't fall over in front of my whole family." He presses his lips to my knuckles and drops my hand, touching my face gently.

"Of course I'll go. I stand by what I said on Wednesday, we can get through this. I won't leave you alone at a time like this."

*****

Josh looks somberly handsome in his black suit. His hands tremor as we sit in the car outside of the funeral home. "I can't do this." He shakes his head, slamming his hands on the steering wheel.

"You have to," I sigh, placing my hand on his shoulder. "They're all waiting for you." I open my door and get out, walking over to the driver's side. I let Josh find his way out and wrap an arm around his waist to help him stand. We proceed to the entrance and I feel him take a deep breath before swinging open the door.

I see about ten people as soon as we get inside. One of them is Sara. "Good, I was afraid you weren't going to show." She says, relieved to see Josh. "But why is Alicia here?"

"Her name is Alexis, and I asked her to come with me. I need the support." Josh looks down at me, then back at Sara defiantly. "If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. Not because I don't—didn't—love mom, but because I can't bear to see her be buried."

"I understand," she nods, giving him a hug and turning towards me. "Alexis, can we talk? I'd like to get to know you a little." She drags me away before I can protest, leaving Josh alone on the middle of the room. "Here's the deal," she scowls. "Josh is fragile, especially right now. Crazy fans like you seem to think they can get close, learn his secrets and them break his heart as soon as you get your—"

"I'll stop you there. I'm not a 'crazy fan'. I wasn't even a fan until I actually met and got to know Josh. In fact, I thought he was an asshole. I thought every famous person was an asshole, but him and the band proved me wrong. I'm not going to break his heart, I love him." As soon as the words come out of my mouth, Sara looks stunned. But not at me, at the air behind me, so I turn my head and who's standing behind me? Josh!

"You do?" He asks, his lips parting into a small smile. It makes my heart leap to see him happy again.

"I do." I smile back at him. He pulls me to his chest and breathes in my scent.

"Good, because I thought I was moving too fast." For a moment I forget that we're in a room filled with his mourning family. I look up at him and kiss the tip of his nose. Then I see a man out of the corner of my eye.

"Joshua Ramsay, this is your mother's funeral," He bellows. Obviously he's Josh's dad. "Don't be so disrespectful!" I step away and fold my hands behind my back, ashamed of my poorly timed affection.

"I'm sorry, dad." Josh looks down at his feet and shoves his hands into his pockets. He looks like a small child.

"Who's this young lady?" Josh's dad gestures at me, changing his tone slightly.

"I'm Alexis Durnham," I say, shaking his hand. "I came for emotional support, if that's alright?" He nods and looks back up at Josh.

"Come into the chapel, and bring your girlfriend with you. The service is starting soon." He takes Sara's arm gently and she guides him into the place where Josh's mother's body is. We stand in the entrance until everyone else has entered.

"I love you," Josh whispers, but I know he's not talking to me this time. We walk in and take our seats, prepared for the sorrowful memorial. I feel out of place, and yet I don't move. I stay by Josh's side, and will always, until the end.