Love Me So I Don't Have To - COMPLETED

1.4

I love him as a friend. I really like him as more. Let's call this chapter's subject Aaron.

He's a 6 foot-something babe with blond hair, blue eyes, glasses, and the cutest smile I've ever seen. He's got an ego big enough to just nearly match mine.

I've known Aaron for over a year now. I met him at the annual JROTC Military Ball last year. It was in either February or March of 2016. My actual date was late and Aaron didn't have one, so we went though the receiving line together. We hung out a bit. Later in the night, my real date asked me out; I rejected. Aaron came to my rescue away from awkwardness, and we danced. And kissed. And talked. He got my number and texted me.

After a month or so, I began ignoring him. I told him to not expect anything more out of that night. Three months later, I went to a week-long summer camp and avoided him at all costs. On the last day we had a short -but filled- conversation. We decided to keep in touch.

In October, he have me his new number. We Snapchatted fairly often and texted basically every other month. I considered him a friend but not a very close one. Before we knew it, we were talking everyday. And then we got here.

Him, single per usual. Me, finally single. I knew afterwards I had already grew little feelings for Aaron. I just wanted to relish in the fact that I was free and decided to ignore my liking towards him.

One night, things escalated quickly while we were snapchatting. Yes, in that way. My best friends came upon their own conclusion that he and I were going to be "fuckbuddies". He found out and asked if it were true. I, of course, naturally feigned ignorance. He admitted he would never want anything centered around sex with me and that he really likes me. I decided to get my shit together and accept the fact that I've taken a liking towards this guy.

Me: I've never been so conflicted in my life

Aaron: What do you mean

Me: You'll find out sometime soon

Aaron: Please just say it i am not a patient person

I don't like to date. I actually like being single. He knows this and understands. He will wait because he wants me that bad. He's waiting for me to be ready, but what if I never am? I think I'm enjoying this single thing a bit too much. I don't know.

I know he and I aren't together. Technically, we aren't even talking, but I feel like I have some kind of romantic commitment/obligation towards him. I feel like I've done him dirty with drunkenly making out with another guy I couldn't remember the name of at the time.

What if he is nothing I thought he was?

What if he's like him?

What if he's controlling like him?

What if I'm not who he thinks I am?

What if I notice it's not going to work only once it's too late?

What if I lose all feelings for him when things actually start?

What if I get feelings for someone else even before we become something?

What if, what if, what fucking if? I don't want to screw this up. That's what I said a year ago. That's what I've been saying for a year. I hope Aaron will understand more than he ever did. Maybe it will actually work this time.