Love Me So I Don't Have To - COMPLETED

3.7

So, here it is. My last, closing chapter to this age old book of mine. As I'm typing this, I can almost feel my throat closing up around my air.

There's so much I've left out from you guys. Unfortunately, my senior year has been busy and hasn't allowed me much time to focus on venting to you guys. I suppose I'll catch you up on everything.

I'm joining the military. Army National Guard. Or, well, trying. I need to see a consult in order to get a waiver. The damn doctor saw some old scars on my arm when I was so close to finishing my physical and swearing in. I was so close, and I'm still mad at myself about it. Luckily, I've lied enough in life about my scars to where I've got the story down pretty well. "I was 12 years old and afraid of being bisexual, so I hurt myself. But, after a few months, I grew to accept myself." And scene.

Why are you trying to join the military?

As I was signing up for orientation for my dream school, more or less, I was told if I do not have a full ride scholarship, then I cannot go to college. Now, I'm a very academically competitive kid, believe it or not. Well, that is, unless the effort isn't worth the top of my priority list.

So, it crushed me to hear this. I was devastated. I cried for days and just shut down and stopped caring about my classes. I didn't see the point anymore. Everything I was doing was for my future schooling. That's the only reason why I took the hard way through school. Just so I can end up at a good college and be successful.

I really, truly want to go to college and learn new things and meet new people and do new things. I wanted a challenge while finally being able to learn something I have a passion for.

Don't get me wrong. I wanted a career in the military, anyways. It was just through college, to commission. It seems that now I'm just enlisting first before comissioning which I'm okay with. I just wish they would let me in already.

I went back to MEPS last week to get my assesment done, but someone fucked up along the road. I got shuttled to the doctor, but this wasn't the normal doctor people were normally shuttled to for my specific issue. They decided to send me to a brand new hospital that has never had a referral of this kind -this kind as in the military-related kind. I spent three hours waiting, signing useless paperwork, falling asleep standing up, crying, and more waiting at that hospital. I didn't even get the assesment done.

They didn't even have me in the system, much less on the schedule. I had a bad feeling the day before while at the hotel. I felt sick and incredibly nervous. I couldn't sleep, and I just wanted to cry. I had no idea why, but the next day I knew. It was a waste of two days that just happened to feel like weeks.

Thinking back about it, I have to force the tears back behind my eyes. I cried enough, curled up on the floor of my shower. I cried until my head felt like it was exploding, until my throat burned from the sobbing, until I was choking, until the burning water turned cold and I shivered. The Wednesday morning I sat in the parking lot at work, I took a few extra minutes to beat up the steering wheel and then collect myself.

Bailey was right. Shit really does happen.

Also, I work at Wal-Mart now. I'm a stocker from four in the morning to one. It's not a bad job. I hate my supervisor. I want to punch her in the face. Yesterday was my buddy Ethan's last day. I'm gonna miss him, but it's okay.

My two best friends are at basic training right now. Cameron graduates in four days. I miss the fucker so much. I can't wait to get chicken and cigars with him when he gets back.

Cam was supposed to graduate next week, but they found out she has stress fractures on her hips and right leg. I've been writing her but have yet to get anything back this whole time. It has been months, and I'm worried. Her mom texts me and updates me, but I just want to hear from her. I don't understand why she hasn't written me back. I decided to wait until I got something since her mom said it takes a while, but when I get a letter back from Cameron after sending two to her and one to him on the same day, I don't know anymore. I'm just going to send all the ones I have now and hope for the best. I hope she's at least been getting them. She doesn't even know I have a job now or that I even went to MEPS.

I miss them both so much. I had a dream last night that I saw Cameron, and that he just got back. It was a happy dream, but now I'm scared. That bastard went infantry. I hope he doesn't get himself killed.

So, now, here I am doing what I hate most. Waiting. I'm starting to lose it. I can't keep doing this. I can't go to college, I can't join the military. I already have a job, but I want out of here. Out of this fucking place. This town. Everyone around me is starting college or other kinds of school. Or they're doing something else away from here. And that's all I want. I can't keep waiting. I can't.

I also can't end this godforsaken book on this note.

This is the last chapter of the first recorded installment of my life. I'll start the second soon enough. When? Don't know. I'll try not to keep you waiting too long.

I've caught you up on everything that I've neglected to tell you when I should have, so, now, I'll say my farewells to the Me that I'm leaving behind in these digital pages. I don't know if any of you have ever wondered about the title of this, Love Me So I Don't Have To, but I have a meaning behind it. It's a reference to the All Time Low song "Therapy."

"Arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to,
they're better off without you."

I was in therapy at the start of this book. I've always loved ATL. They always helped me feel better. Helped me feel grounded or just less sad. I was just tired of being alone and sad. I needed to get it all out. I needed to feel like there was someone there for me. I couldn't trust the people in my life. The one who was there from the beginning wasn't there anymore. The others had their own shit, or I couldn't stand telling them. So, I wrote it down.

I decided to let strangers read it in their pastime, so I can feel like someone might care outside of obligation. The one person I actually wanted to tell everything to only ended up hurting me. If I'm not mistaken, he's chapter two, amongst others. Quite frankly, I loved him at one point of my life. Then, he left, and I couldn't stand the thought of myself, thinking I caused it.

So if a stranger could read this, maybe I wouldn't have to love myself because I had someone spend their own time to read this. So, thank you. I know no one reads this, but to the few strangers who do -I repeat, strangers- thank you for helping me.

I just might see you on the other side.

Sincerely, Rose