April 25 Pt. 2

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by WriteDrunk

by WriteDrunk

Dear Luke, April 25, 2014

Is it possible to love someone so much, but hate them at the same time? Or am I just weird?

Because I hate you. A lot actually. You're an asshole and I regret falling in love with you. You've toyed around with my feelings and I want you to go away.

But I want you to stay. I want you to hold me and tell me you love me and only me. I want to wake up next to you and kiss you on the lips, even with morning breath. Not wake up next to you on the phone with Aleisha.

I am going to do it tonight. Tonight I'm going to take my final breath, and go into some unknown world, but it's bound to be better than the hell I've experienced.

So I guess this is my suicide note.

It should be long, shouldn't it? Some grand final words from the guy who was cowardly enough to off himself. Well, it's not cowardly. Cowardly is the shit that brought me to this point.

Let's not dwell on that just yet.

I feel like I should write to each of you.

Calum, you're such a dork. But somehow you always managed to make me laugh, and I'm grateful for that. For you. You've been my best friend for a long time and I'm sorry I have to go. I hope you find what you're looking for in life. I love you.

And Michael, you've always sided with me. You held me when Luke couldn't and God, I thank you for that. Michael, you've always been my best friend and I hope you know that. You knew this day would come - more than anyone else. Please don't cry. That sounded arrogant of me, I'm sorry. I love you, Mikey.

And Luke. Luke, oh Luke, you wonderful asshole. Luke, I've loved you longer than you think. I love everything about you. Your eyes, your little nose, your rough morning voice (that happens to be deeper than my regular voice), the way you take care of me. You treat me like I'm not some fragile, breakable item. You treat me like I'm strong. Like I can care for myself and that's more than I've ever wanted. You can break me or make me, and I'm not sure I like being that dependant on someone. Especially someone as flaky as you. I know I should give you time to think about things, to think about us. But I just don't have that time, not anymore. You're probably wondering to yourself "How did Ashton survive seventeen years without me, then?" Well to answer your question, I didn't. I've never told you this, but I've attempted. Pathetic, right? You're probably showing this note to Aleisha right now. Tell her I said hi, would you?

You were my reason to live this long. Without you I would've been gone a long time ago. I'm sorry I couldn't have lasted a little longer. Not that you care though, right? You"ll be glad to see me gone. Now I won't be chasing you around like some groupie while your girlfriend is with you.

Yeah, I said it. Girlfriend. You think I don't see anything, but damn Luke, I have some friends. Some friends that will tell me when you kiss someone else in a kitchen.

I hate you, Luke, but I love you.

Tell my mom I love her, please? Last request kind of thing. And Harry and Lauren. They were the best siblings I could ever ask for and she was the best mom. She saved me those two times I attempted.

Please, please, if I'm still breathing when you find me, do not take me to the hospital. I can't screw this up, too.

What if I see you on the other side? Not you you, but the old you. The one that loved me without a second thought. The one that died in that coma. Will he be there? God I hope so.

With love (and some hate).

And Luke, just for old times sake, I'll say it one final time.

There is no me, without you.

-Ashton

Luke's eyes scanned over the last entry in the journal again and again. How many times had he'd read the journal today? Yesterday? The tears that he tried to blink back, slipped freely down his face, hitting the front cover of the leather book. His Ashton, yes his, was gone. It's been two days now and he was aching inside.

I wish I could forget all the stupid little things. Luke thought, tugging his hair on the roots.

How could he have been so stupid? How could he have treated Ashton like that and been so oblivious?

When he wasn't crying, Luke was apologizing. To Ashton, (he'd left countless messages on his phone, knowing he won't answer), to Aleisha for even calling her out there, to Michael for finding his best friend dead.

Ashton's last thoughts were Luke. Snuggled in that grey sweatshirt that gave him more comfort than Luke did, quite frankly, feeling consciousness slowly leave as he drifted into the dark.

A lot of people think that I got the 'Without you, there is no me' from Pierce The Veil but I actually listened to The Maine way before PTV and if you ever heard the song Jenny by The Maine, that's where I got it:-)

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-Katie♡