I remember calling her,
After I'd figured out what I wanted.
I remember sobbing into the phone about how you wouldn't want me anymore.
I remember setting the phone down so I didn't have to listen to her tell me that I was wrong,
That if you really loved me it would work.
I remember being terrified.
I remember that I felt like my heart was being thrown out of my chest,
I remember I couldn't breathe.
You were the first person in my entire life I saw a future with.
A future we had built together.
But I was scared you'd go on your mission and realize I'm a small town nobody.
That I don't go to church,
And I'm okay with drinking and smoking,
That I don't follow the standards because they make me feel worse about myself.
You'd go on your mission
And realize someone else can be your forever.
I know it's foolish of me,
To be sitting here explaining that I left for you,
While I'm telling him not to leave me for me.
I'm expecting you to accept that I'm making this choice for you,
But yet I get so upset when he tries to with me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm falling in love with someone
Who has made it clear they don't want me.
Not like that anyway.
And I'm pushing away the person who does,
But maybe that's just it isn't it.
I fall for those who don't want me because I know that I will never have to worry if they'll stop wanting me.
I stay away from those who do want me
Because I know that there will be a day that they don't anymore.
That's what it was with you.
I was terrified.
I didn't leave because I thought you'd be better off,
Or because you never asked me out,
I didn't leave because I was unsure of your feelings.
I always knew you loved me.
You don't look at people the way you looked at me
Unless you love them.
I only said those things because they were reasonable.
People believed them.
But I left because I was terrified to love you,
I was terrified to have a life with you,
When in every scenario ended with you not wanting me anymore.
I'm sorry,
No,
This poem isn't to tell you I'll come back.
I still believe everything I thought before.
I just have all these emotions,
About you and him,
That I don't know how else to say them.
I just thought you deserved the truth.
I'm so sorry that all I do is hurt you.
