Jungkook's pov :
"I'm confused, does he love me or Jimin?"
I realized today that I've stopped living life. I'm literally just trying to get to the next day, just living in the thought of tomorrow. I'm not living, I'm waiting, I'm waiting for him, I'm waiting for Taehyung to come to me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that he'll stay by my side and never is going to let go of my hand.
But I'm scared, I'm scared that the only thing that I'm waiting for is never going to happen
I've never felt this stressed before, I've never felt destroyed like this. I know the feeling of being hated by this rough world, I know how depressing it is to have to survive in this tough life, I know the feeling of being rejected by someone, I know the feeling of losing someone special, but this kind of feeling is different. Something I've never felt, something new, something I don't want to feel anymore.
Even if he isn't mine, I still feel betrayed. I thought all the sweet words he told me and all the kisses and hugs he gave me were signs, signs of love. but it wasn't what I thought it was.
My head hurts and I feel dazed. Believe me or not, but I cried more then I laughed these last months, and It's all the fault of Taehyung.
No, actually, it's all my fault. I wished I didn't have these feelings for him, I wished I still hated him like I always did. But I love him so much.
If I think about it, I still can remember how Jimin was always acting differently around Taehyung. but I didn't know it was something serious and just ignored it.
But as time passed by they touched each other more and more, in a different way then friends do. I once asked Jimin if there was anything between them, he hesitated a bit and then he just shook his head and walked away.
The thing that really stabbed me in my heart is Jimin, the only guy who I thought I could really trust, the only guy who I told all my secrets to, the only guy who helped me out in my darkest hours, who helped me out when I asked to, the only guy who knew when I was tired, sad, angry, nervous, confused even when I didn't say anything, the only guy who I made unforgettable memories with... The only friend who I could trust with all my heart.... But it all turned down, I'm sick of all this, I can't take it anymore.
"Would someone even care if I just leaved this world?"
My tears started to fall down like two waterfalls and the weather started to cry with me, rain drops dripping on me, people running with umbrellas to catch the bus just in time.
If I just could run like them, if I just could run like them away from this nightmare, away from this rough world. I'm drowning but nobody sees me struggling.
I felt dizzy so I stood up and walked back to our dorm. After a while I stood in front of the door, before opening the door slowly, I scanned the area just in case to check if Taehyung or Jimin were there.
The pile of clothes were still lying on the floor. I stepped inside and closed the door. My eyes swollen and red from all the crying.
The room was dark and I didn't have the guts to go upstairs. I just sat down on the couch where I cried thousands of times.
I just stared towards the wall. My thoughts are killing me, I feel so unwanted and worthless, I feel so detroyed.
A part of my mind keeps telling me to grab the knife on the dinning table and cut my wrist until I can't think of Taehyung anymore, until I can cry about the pain in my wrist instead of the pain in my heart, until I only can see black and not the pile of clothes in front of me.
The thought of suicide keeps crossing my mind.
I stood up and grabbed the knife and runned towards the bathroom, locking myself up and sat on the floor, the knife still in my shaky hand.
It's sad really that the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I don't want to hurt anyone, but the reason why I want to kill myself, is because everyone is hurting me.
I started to get the knife towards my wrist and cut the first line, blood dripping on the white bathroom floor, followed by tears dripping from my eyes.
The pain was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
I kept cutting and cutting, blood streaming out of my hand as I tried to cry silently.
After the tenth cut, I throwed the knife full of blood away and rested my head against the door.
Times like this, I just wish I was loved, loved enough to be held every night when I'm crying, loved enough not to be judged.
Because maybe if I'm loved like that, it won't be as much of a challenge…
to love myself.
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another update today ! Woah~ there is a lot of drama and angst going on here but I hope you like it anyway ;) once again, thank you for reading/voting/commenting on this story. I really love to see your sweet comments, they make my day ♡
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I hate you, I love you ㅣTaekook. (COMPLETED)
Fanfiction"of all the people my heart could have chosen, it decided on a boy who didn't have enough room in his own heart to love someone like me"
