Everyone can struggle (Bondi Rescue FanFic)

Chapter 39

I wake suddenly, in a cold sweat. "Tom! Tom!" I scream and almost immediately he pulls me into him. "Shh.. You're safe Lily. It's only me. I'm fine." He tries to comfort me but it fails to work. I stutter for a while, trying to tell him what terrified me. "You left me.." 

"Not happening. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you. I love you. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. Hell, I love you more than the guys love the ocean." Even when I am upset, he manages  to make me smile. "You want to talk about it?" I pull away and study him, trying to see any hint of fear and attempting to find his own emotions, buried somewhere deep down. 

"When you got upset and locked yourself in here.. I hid almost everything that could hurt you.. Maxi found me and got all concerned but everything's still there.. You found it.. And you overdosed.. I found you but you were already gone.. You left me.." He shakes his head and pulls me closer. 

"I couldn't ever actually do it. I'd be too scared that you'd try to follow me. Show me where everything is? We don't need most of it and I don't want you knowing where it is either." I nod and try to calm myself down as he climbs into his chair. I lead him through to the bathroom before reaching for the key on top of the cabinet and unlocking its door. Even I have to admit it seems crazy that we have a cabinet in the bathroom full of blades and rope. There are the usual things like bleach and medication too, but Tom decides that I can't even have that. I unload the cupboard and we sit on the floor, sorting through what we actually need. We end up with a pile of spare soap, cleaning things and useful medications. The mountain of stuff we don't need includes: the thick, coiled rope, a thinner cord, a few scalpels and other blades and some surplus medications, including extremely strong painkillers that I 'borrowed' from the hospital. I start to cry as I realise how messed up it is that my security blanket is a locked cabinet filled with dangerous things. Tom hugs me. "Lily, I'm going to go put the key somewhere else." I shake my head.

"You can't have it either. Just in case.. I don't want you to get your own demons because they're too hard  to fight.. No matter what you say, you'd break eventually." He nods slightly. 

"Riight.. Well when Maxi or Chap comes round they can put it somewhere. Let's get out of here. We can make breakfast." He tries to force a smile but I know I'm scaring him. Despite this, I let him lead me through to the kitchen  where we decide to make cheese toasties. Once we've finished eating, Tom decides he wants to do some physio. He does the usual arm exercises and core strengthening work before moving onto the new exercises. He climbs onto the floor and I sit on his left, my arms out ready to catch him if anything goes wrong. At first I can't see anything happening, but slowly his left leg begins to lift. His smile is infectious and soon I'm smiling too. He lifts it a couple of centimetres. Once he finishes he turns to me "See! Soon enough I could be walking!" I don't bother to correct the fact that retraining himself to walk will take months, if not years. As he starts to move the other leg I can tell it's more difficult. "Don't push yourself too much.." I tell him. He lifts it a few millimetres before giving up, moaning in pain. I hug him as the pain subsides and he smiles again. Lowering himelf to the floor, he explains the next exercise. It involves me holding his leg just above the floor and him trying to push it down. "Only the left leg.." I tell him, terrified of hurting him. He nods, reluctantly. I hold it at about where he managed to lift it as he tries to push his leg down. To be honest, I can barely feel any movement at all. After we finish we both lay back on the carpet. "You're doing great." I tell him but as he turns to me his eyes are brimming with tears. 

"They won't let me back will they..? Even if I can move again. There's no point." I take his hand and squeeze it. 

"You never know.. The only thing that could stop you is if you didn't pass the fitness tests. You remember seing them on Bondi Rescue? I spoke to Hop a while back and he said the boys would all just get to know you now. But all that's a long way off yet. Let's just focus on now." My phone rings. "Stay there. I just need to get this." He nods. The caller ID tells me it's Chappo. "I just thought I'd check in with you. Do you want me to come or would you prefer to be alone?" 

"I don't know if it'll help him seeing you.. But I need you.. He's talking about lifeguarding and I don't know what to do." 

"Okay. Just do whatever you think, you can't really be wrong. I'll just get ready and bring you some food round." I thank him and hang up before going to see Tom again. He's sat up, looking slightly dazed so I hug him. "It was just Chap. He's coming soon. You want to sleep?" He shakes his head. 

"i just want to be at the beach.. Doing what I'm meant to be doing.." 

"I know lovely but we need to get you well first." He nods and falls silent, laying back on the floor. After a few minutes, Chappo appears bearing bags of shopping which he goes to put away before coming back. "You ok mate?" he asks and Tom shakes his head. 

"You need to make them let me work.. I miss it so much."

"I'm sorry mate, you'd need to pass the tests and they're really difficult. We need to get you moving properly first."

Look how much better he does at helping than you do. The cabinet's still unlocked. You can go and do it now. 

I try to force them back but they are relentless. Eventually, I just leave the guys in the living room, hoping they'll be distracted enough that they won't follow until it's too late. This time I don't care that he's in the house and I walk to the bathroom in a daze, locking the door. I go to the still-unlocked cupboard and take out the medications we decided were 'useful', taking as many as I can. "Lily!" I hear Chappo scream from outside the door as the world begins to break.