Everyone can struggle (Bondi Rescue FanFic)

Chapter 43

"Morning Lil," Tom grins from next to me. "How are you doing now?" I try to turn to face him and the pain seems to be better. 

"A lot better.. I'm not gonna get home am I? You're gonna keep me here forever.." I begin to cry and he climbs onto the bed to hug me. 

"It's not up to me. You still need to be watched until they check there's no toxins or anything. They can't release you until you've spoken to Sarah and they deem you of 'sound mind' anyway." 

"Tom.. Don't get upset but I still don't know what really happened.. I know I probably did something to try to leave.. Explain it completely..? I need to be able to stop it happening again.." I whisper and he sighs. 

"No. I can't. I won't. Ask someone else. I can't Lil." I hug him closer.

"Who's coming today? I can ask Chap since I'm guessing he was there right?" Tom nods slowly. 

"Both of them are off but Maxi's busy I think. Chappo's not told us when he's coming but Sarah's coming this morning too." I nod, beginning to worry about what I can say to Sarah that will get me out of here faster.  

"How are you doing though?" I ask him. "Just because I'm in here, it doesn't mean you're magically better does it?" He smiles.

"I'm still in the chair aren't I? Lil, at the moment we'll just think about you. I'm fine." As if she heard him talking, Sarah comes in. 

"I'm sorry.." I tell Sarah as she comes in. 

"No need Lily. Do you want Tom to stay?" she asks and I nod. 

"I don't think we'll get him to leave anyway." I tease, really not wanting to start talking seriously. Tom  notices. 

"Lil.. You don't need to be scared.. It's just us and you can't really shock us." I nod and take a deep breath. 

"Well I've been feeling good since I've been in here. They've not been since.. So no one needs to worry anymore." I smile but Tom looks at me fearfully and Sarah watches us carefully. Chap appears in the doorway.

"Ah sorry I'll go." I shake my head. 

"Chaaap.." I say and he looks at me nervously. "I need you to tell me what happened." He shakes his head and starts to protest before Sarah cuts him off.

"Just to introduce myself I'm Sarah. I'm a psychiatrist. I really think it would be a good idea for Lily and I to discuss what happened so it would be hepful if one of you felt up to it." Tom looks to Chappo who nods back at him, cautiously. 

 "Okay.." he says, worriedly. "Yeah so we were all in the living room. I'm sorry, you just kinda left and we didn't realise.. When we finally worked out where you were you'd locked yourself in.. Then we heard a really loud bang and I knew it was gonna be bad.. Tom called an ambo and I basically tried to break the door down..Sorry" I smile at him but he seems to have stopped. 

"So..?" I say, "I'm so sorry.. But I really need to know everything.. What did I do?" Tom's eyes brim with tears and I hug him as I look up at Chap to continue. 

"We're not really sure.. Basically, we found you on the floor of the bathroom.. There were a lot of medications around you and the doctors confirmed you had a lot in your system.." I realise he can't actually say the word 'overdose' and I pity him. "You really weren't in a good way.. Your heart basically stopped. To be honest, I thought we were going to lose you.." He gives up on trying to speak at that point and I watch him implode before my eyes. 

"Chap.." I whisper, terrified of hurting him. "You did fine or I wouldn't be here.. Come here.." I say, holding my arms out to hug him. He sits cautiously on the bed before hugging me tightly. "I'm so sorry Chap.. I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm gonna work so hard for you guys. I want to be better." He pulls away, smiling through his tears, and I make Tom take him outside. Sarah smiles at me. 

"That was really good of you Lily. How about we talk about how you feel about what Chris has just said?" I nod, the tears beginning to fall. 

"Before.." I stop wondering how much she knows about the number of times I've attempted but she gestures for me to continue. "I've never done it at home before.. I don't know why I would have done it, especially with Tom there.." 

"What if you wanted to be found?" she asks and I consider it for a second. 

"I locked the door though.. but I guess.. Maybe it was for attention?" She shakes her head. 

"I don't think that's you. I know you don't always think very highly of yourself but I definitely don't think you're attention seeking. We don't need to work out your motives though. We just need to make sure it won't happen again." I nod. 

"Do you think they're angry with me? Maybe they wanted me to leave? They'd only have to keep an eye on Tom then.." She puts her hand up to stop me. 

"Have you seen how they look at you? They admire you for what you've done for Tom and there's no way they'd want you to go. It would be best to talk to them about it though." I nod again. "Have the 'demons' come back?" she asks and I shake my head. 

"I was getting better at holding them off anyway.. Then I was too worried about Tom to sleep properly and I ended up too tired to do anything about the demons.." She nods.

"Okay. Then how about we come up with a plan? Let's say first port of call is to try to look after yourself, physically and mentally. I'm sure all of the guys will help too. What else might work?" 

"I don't know.. If I have Tom I can try to just let them talk but not pay attention.. But that's putting a lot onto him." 

"How about we say, second will be trying to listen to them, but only if someone is with you who you trust and if you promise to tell them what's happening. And I'm going to tell you that third is to push them away if you can and fourth is to tell Tom and he'll keep you safe until it passes." I nod as Tom and Chap come back into the room. Tom immediately takes my hand and I know my fear must be written across my face. Sarah tells them both the plan and they nod. "Lil?" Tom says worriedly, "Everything okay? How about you lay down again?" Chap comes to the other side of the bed and smiles at me. 

"I'll make sure he's okay for you." he whispers. "I'm proud of you." 

"I'm fine. I'm just not feeling good. No I don't need more drugs, I need to get off them so I can get out." Sarah takes her leave as Chap helps me sit up straighter and Tom watches on. I can tell he hates the fact that he can't help me. "Tom, it's fine. I feel better now." I say before feeling really sick. Chap hands me a cardboard sick bowl and Tom climbs onto the bed, stroking my back. "Sorry," I whisper before my eyes drift shut and all thought leaves me.