the aftermath of us ✓

letter twenty

monday 2 (june)

dear trevor,

today was the big day. guess who's survived one more year? i find this day to be a little boring because two people usually remember my birthday -- you and granny. i remember the time you brought me to a cat café and we just stayed there the whole afternoon. there was hair literally everywhere but i didn't mind, even after the small rash on my arm appeared.

granny bought me a pet fish. it's red and blue and can apparently fight other fish until one of them dies. it's pretty wicked, i must say. she looked so proud as i poured water into the little tank. i'm not sure what she's proud of, though, but i smiled and she started to cry. i had to leave to catch the bus before she stopped entirely.

when i met reed at school, he hadn't decorated my locker or made it a big deal. he held out a little baggie full of candy hearts, murmured happy birthday and kissed my cheek. the bell rang and we had to part but it made me very happy for the rest of the day.

you always made a big deal out of my birthday. do you remember the time you bought me a dozen roses and left two on the desk of each of my classes that day? the girls in my classes tried to pretend to be my friend on that day. i didn't have friends before you. not many, anyway. but now that you're gone, it seems you've given me the confidence to make my own friends.

a girl in english lit asked me about the candy hearts. i told her about reed and she gushed over the story. her name is connie. she's quite lovely. it's a little surprising but i think i made a friend today.

i saw you after school. you were hanging out alone around the bus stop. since that's the stop i always wait at, i had no choice but to approach you. not that i was scared or something. i was fine. but it's been awhile since our last interaction so i was just a little hesitant.

you looked dimmer than usual. you usually have such a bright aura, even after amelia broke your heart.

i'm not sure what it was that made me go and confront you. if it was just the adrenaline or happiness or if i was just sick of wondering for so long. i asked you why you broke up with me.

you looked a little surprised to see me. but then you just said i just didn't love you anymore. when i called bull, you elaborated slightly.

i always saw you with other people, people i couldn't call mutual friends. you were almost always laughing or smiling or had that slight crinkle by your eyes. it just hurt to see you happier with them than with me. i thought that by me breaking up with you, it'd be better for both of us. you're clearly better off without me and with reed. you shrugged. i didn't want to tell you. i was afraid you would feel even more hurt that i ever felt like that. like i didn't trust you.

i stared at you for a long time. it felt a little relieving to finally have an answer to a question i've wondered ever since you dropped me. i wasn't happy, though. i was satisfied, sure, but happiness is for the time you get a box of chocolates for valentines day. happiness is for getting candy hearts on your birthday. not learning the reasons to your break up.

i nodded once before stepping back a bit. i muttered happy belated birthday and walked away. because the only reason i ever remember my birthday is because yours is the day before.

it's a bitter coincidence, wouldn't you say?

from,

leslie