the aftermath of us ✓

letter twenty - one

friday 27 (june)

dear trevor,

today was the last day of school. reed helped me clean out my locker. i threw a bunch of stuff out that i know i don't need but i felt weird doing it, you know? i almost felt guilty when i threw away an old granola bar i was never bound to eat.

i found an old picture of us. connie made a face and suggested i burn it -- yes, i told her about us. we had a long conversation about you last week. i'm not sure why i decided to spill my heart out to a girl i met about three weeks ago. maybe i'm just a little too trustworthy but connie is always too nice to me anyway -- and reed laughed half-heartedly. he doesn't like bringing you up often and i don't blame him. the last time i had a flashback of us was in that coffee shop and i felt like i wanted to die. its understandable that reed doesn't like me feeling that way.

i don't like it either.

i saw you walking down the hall with an armful of old notebooks you won't need for next year. you glanced at me and i swear you almost said hello but reed called my name and you kept walking. a few months ago, i would've chased after you. and i feel a little ashamed that i still would if i could.

you still have a grip on my heart. you always will. but very slowly, i'm letting you go. i think it's already started, that seemingly lifelong process. part of me will always want you back but i've come to realize that my wellbeing is more important than willing for you to
come back. and, the last thing i want is to disappoint granny by getting back together with you. she's tried so hard to make me feel better and going back to the person who ripped my heart out in the first place would hurt her more than me.

we finished cleaning my locker and connie bid me goodbye before running down the hall to meet some of her other friends. reed offered to drive me home but i said no. he looked a little disappointed but said nothing else except a short goodbye and a reminder to call him. i smiled and waved as he walked away.

summer vacation can really ruin a relationship, you know? it almost ended ours. i hope i don't have to feel like i'm losing a piece of me if it happens to reed and i. i don't want a repeat of you and me. i don't think i could handle that. my heart's been suffocated by your presence and suffered more palpitations than i can count on my hands. and it's all your doing.

a little while ago, i told you that these letters might be the reason i can't let go of you. you're trapped on these pieces of paper forever or until i have decided to burn them up. and i think i was right.

i'm happy now. i'm still a little angry and my heart still whimpers at night occasionally but that's okay. because i can say i'm happy. i'm happier, at least. and that's better than how i was six months ago.

from,

leslie

a/n: apologies for the long wait (feel like i say this in every chapter) but i had good reason !! i finally graduated and school is almost over (tomorrow is the last day) !!1!1!1 so expect this book to be over by mid july and if i forget please remind me to get my ass on that. hope all is well and tell me how the chapter was so i know if my writing just got worse lmao