Since You Left Me

I grabbed the two boxes from under my bed and went down to the beach behind my house. I sat on the beach with my knees to my tiny chest and the salty sea mist hitting my face. My long brown hair flowed in the wind, grazing the warm sand as my toes dug into the sand closest to the water. My hazel eyes scanned the horizon, sadly. The sea and horizon seemed to be at peace with each other while I was at war with myself. The sun hit my tanned skin and freckled nose and cheeks. It warmed my body quickly but I made no move to remove the plaid shirt wrapped around me, it was your shirt. I found it deep in my drawers somewhere at the bottom days after I lost you. I wore most of the time now. I couldn't give it back. How was I supposed to? Its mine now. Just like you once were. My arms wrapped around my knees, hugging them tighter to my chest.

I heard the birds chirp in the distance. The wind howled with the breeze as it slapped against my bare legs leaving goosebumps imprinted on my skin just like your fingertips and your lips did. The tide sliding back and forth with a whish whish sound. The sound of this ocean's calm seas stirred the war within me. You and I used to do this, just sit here and listen to the sound the waves made. The sound of each other's breathing. And watching the stars. Not touching. Not moving. Not speaking. And now here I am. Alone. My breaths were slow and steady instead of racing like normal.

My cheeks were stained from crying. Rings of sleeplessness hung from under my eyes. My toes dug into the sand. You were gone.

Dead.

Why did you leave me? Why? Im not entirely sure. I had the note still in a box along with pictures of us and other notes you wrote. I hadn't read the last one yet. It just sat there along with the rest. I didn't want to know. I was to scared to know because then it would be real. It would prove you were gone. It would prove you were never coming back. It would prove my worst nightmare. And I wanted you back. I wanted to wake up and see you standing near my bed smiling down before telling me what a sleepy head I was. I wanted to hear your laughter. I want to see your smile. I want to feel your hand in mine. I want you to shake me and prove to me you're still alive. I can't believe you're dead. You just cant be dead.

So the letter, the last letter you ever wrote to me, sat there torn open by the detectives as evidence given back to me not long after but never opened again. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let you go. By reading that letter it felt as if I were giving up on you and giving into the fact that you are dead. But you can't be. Not without me. I couldn't say goodbye to you. Not ever. You were my everything. You were only 17. What was so wrong that you had to leave? I was mad and sad and defeated. I just want you back.

Every time I close my eyes I see and hear it. The loud, blaring, sirens that won't shut up. The police, running and moving. The tape, roping everyone away from your house, leaving you and me apart. Me crying, tears streaking my face. Salty, hot, unbearable, unwanted tears. If I shed anymore it would all be real. It was awful. And I still don't know why. It felt as if I couldn't hear a word they were saying. Or understand a thing being said. I couldn't even process what I was seeing. It felt as if you and I were ripped apart. You're there and I am here and there is no way we can get to one another. But reality is the part that scares me the most. Me being here without you. And you being there without me. I am still here. You are not. You are gone now. 

And that scares me. You're not here to tell me im wrong. You're not here to correct me. You're not here to be by my side. You're gone. I can't see you. Or touch you. Hug you. Oh I so want to hug you right now. I want to have our goofy talks and walks. I want to listen to music for hours on end. To play the piano and sing with you like old times. I miss it. I miss doing it all with you. I didn't know exactly how much time I spent with you or how much you meant to me until you were gone. Now I wish you were back. I need you. I haven't been the same since you left me.