Since You Left Me

Moving On

I walked over to my bed, bent down then grabbed the boxes from under my bed and went down to the beach and sat on the beach with my knees to my chest and the salty sea mist hitting my face. My long brown hair flowed in the wind. My hazel eyes scanned the horizon. The sun hit my tanned skin and freckled nose and cheeks. My arms wrapped around my knees hugging them tighter to my chest I heard the birds chirp in the distance the wind howl. The tide sliding back and forth with a whish whish sound. My breaths were slow and steady instead of racing like normal. My cheeks were stained from crying. Rings of sleeplessness hung from under my eyes. My toes dug into the sand. "You were gone. Dead. Why? Im not entirely sure. I had the note still in a box along with pictures of us and other notes you wrote. I hadn't read the last one yet. It just sat there along with the rest. I didn't want to know. I was to scared to know because then it would be real. It would prove you were gone. It would prove you were never coming back. It would prove my worst nightmare. So it sat there torn open by the detectives as evidence given back to me not long after but never opened again. I couldn't do it. I couldn't let you go. I couldn't say goodbye. You were my everything. You were only 17. What was so wrong that you had to leave? I was mad and sad and defeated. Every time I close my eyes I see and hear it. The sirens. The police. The tape. Me crying. It was awful. And I still dont know why. Your gone now.  And that scares me. Your not here to tell me im wrong. Your not here to correct me. Your not here to be by my side. Your gone. I can't see you. Or touch you. Hug you. Oh I so want to hug you right now. I want to have our goofy talks and walks. I want to listen to music for hours on end. To play with the piano and sing with you like old times. I miss it. I miss doing it all with you. I didn't know exactly how much time I spent with you or how much you meant to me until you were gone. Now I wish you were back. I need you. These thoughts ran through my head as I waited for Dax. All of them. They overwhelmed me more than I could ever imagine. And just like they started they were cut off all of a sudden.

"Okay what do you need me to do?" Dax asked finally sitting beside me putting his elbows on his knees. "Read it to me." I choked out as he raised an eyebrow. "What?" Read it to me please. The letter he wrote me that day." "No that's for you to read." He shook his head as I tried handing him the letter. He tried shoving it back into my hands but I wouldn't take it. "Dax please just read it to me." I did the puppy dog eyes and pouty lip that I knew he couldn't resist. "Okay if you really want me to?" I nodded. "I do." I said closing my eyes feeling the mist hit my face as Dax began to read. "Dear Bella im sorry. I love you always know that. Your my ride or die. My best friend. My one and only. Bella you could not prevent this please always know that. Dont worry about me just know you were not the reason I did this. Bella there's something ive been keeping from you. I know we were supposed to tell each other everything but I couldn't tell anyone. My dad beats me. Ever since I was a kid those bruised ribs and eyes. The ones I blamed on bull riding and door frames most of them were from him. And when he and mom got divorced I was happy maybe he would stop and then I saw him not to long ago and we fought and I got beat bad. Im sorry for not telling you sooner. And then at school I got called a klutz and all that and then when Quinn broke up with me and started saying all that crap about me. Saying I cheated on her. And everyone hated me for it except you and the guys. I couldn't take the pain from this life anymore. Bella i know your going to take this harder than any of them since you've already been through so much but please know you had nothing to do with this. Please know I love you and I want to say thank you. I would have done it sooner if not for you. You were the only one who kept me hanging on you and mom too, please let her know I love her. Look after her for me please. I know your probably going to be mad at me for doing this but please just understand I feel like there is no way out. I tried telling the cops eventually but since dad was a sergeant they didn't believe me. Hes got so many people on his payroll so I just quit trying and I didn't want to upset mom so I didn't say anything to her. And Bella know that I will always love you and that I hope to see you one day. I made it my mission to connect you to God but I cant stay to fulfill it but ive talked to Dax hes a great Christian just stay friends with him. Bella you made my day brighter than anyone could, just know that. Play the piano and sing always please you were always great at that and I know you might feel like that was our thing and that you shouldn't do it without me but you should. You were always happiest when you play and sing so please do it. Go be you Bella. I love you Bel. Love Elijah." The tears slowly rolled down my cheeks after filling my eyes. He finally signed his name Elijah. For me. "I love you too Eli." I whispered into the air after Dax put an arm around me and pulled me into a hug. I buried my head in his chest as he held me. "You're moving on, by having me read that letter, you are ready to move on. You're going to be okay Bella. Everything is going to be okay." He whispered rubbing my back and running his fingers through my hair. And I knew. I knew I would be okay. Because I was moving on.