Since You Left Me

I Can Do It

"So you liked coming to church with my family?" He had asked that Sunday after church as I smiled. "Yeah Dax it was fun." I said sitting on the little couch in my bedroom. "That's good." He said looking out of the window above my bed. I glanced down at the hardwood noticing Eli's box. "Have you read them?" He must of noticed it too as he flicked his chin towards it from where he laid sprawled out on my bed. "Multiple times." I muttered as he looked at me with that knowing look. "Even that one?" He asked the question I was hoping he wouldn't. I shook my head slowly. "Never, I haven't read it yet." He nodded slowly. "Are you going to?" I turned my torso and brought my knees to my chest facing him while resting my chin on my knees. "Honestly im not sure." I sighed. "Why?" "I miss him but I don't need to know the reason." I said finally at peace that Eli was gone. "Why not?" He asked confusion filling his eyes. "Because I loved him I love him and I hope in that last split second before he died he asked for God's forgiveness and maybe just maybe he would have a better life in the better place he's at." I said confidently. "What if he didn't go to heaven though?" I looked at Dax and out the window behind him then back at him. "Maybe he did maybe he didn't but I think if he asked for God's forgiveness he might have went to heaven." I said as Dax nodded. "I know Bella but what if he didn't?" I thought about it for a second before looking at his hazel eyes. "I cant think like that because I asked God into my heart because of you Dax, you showed me who he really was and I love it and the idea of heaven is amazing but I have to believe Eli made it to heaven I just have to." I pleaded as he propped himself up on his elbow. "Why?" "Because." I stated matter of factly as he squinted. "Is it because you want it that way Bella? Or because you just have to hope for the best or you won't believe in heaven yourself? Sort of like, if you believe in it then you'll see him again and you want that to happen more than anything." I sighed knowing he was right. "Well yeah I want it that way Dax he was my best friend." "Bella I think your right." He sighed standing and grabbing my hand bringing me to my bed so we were sitting on it facing each other. "Maybe I am maybe im not that's God's choice and it was Eli's but i wont know unless I make it to heaven."  I mumbled. "And you will." He said smiling at me as he put one hand on my cheek. "I hope so." I mumbled as he nodded. "You will." He said as I rested my head in my hand looking into his eyes. "I will." I said smiling back at him. "I wonder what he felt like if he wanted to live instead, after, you know?" Dax asked looking at me then after a pause I finally spoke. "I think about it all the time Dax like did he want to live after like right before he died and maybe just maybe he was too far gone like he couldn't save himself and maybe he wanted to stay alive." I said as I realized I was finally having a conversation about Eli, without crying. Maybe I was moving on and getting better. "Bella if he was friends with you then he had to have because your amazing and I know you will never stop worrying about him. None of us will but he's gone so lets remember him like he would have wanted." I looked down then back at Dax. "You know Dax your pretty amazing too." He looked into my hazel eyes. "How is that?" He smirked and I shook my head smiling. "You completed Eli's mission and helped me more than I could ever owe to you." "Bella i just did what God wanted me to and Eli, well Eli introduced you to God, I just guided you there." I looked into his eyes his amazingly beautiful hazel eyes. "Thank you Dax." "For?" He asked, his voice full of question. "For being there when I cry. For listening. For being you. For showing me who God really was for everything." I listed as he smiled and pulled me into a hug. "Ill always be here know that." He whispered into my ear as I nodded, my head still buried in his chest. "Yeah I trust you Dax." I said. "Good because I trust you." I pulled away from our hug and glanced at the boxes then back at Dax. "Do you want to help me do something?" I asked. "Like?" He asked puzzled. "Meet me on the beach in ten minutes." He nodded as he walked out. I can do it.