Since You Left Me

A Few Days Later

The next few days were a blur. I can barely remember them. It was like a fuzzy bad dream that I know happened and I have wracked my brain trying to remember it but nothing comes to mind. My mind is blank. All I do know is Eli's mom brought me a box, that's the only thing I remember. When she brought me his box. For the last few days I've stared at it as if it were a foreign object from mars or pluto. I couldn't bring myself to open it or look inside. It has just sat there, in the corner of my room untouched for days.

Now early this morning when sleep wouldn't come I stare at in the dark. I slowly stand up not sure if I am ready to face what I will find in that shoe box. I took step by step slowly as if I were walking to my own death. I couldn't process what was to come because I was too afraid I could have stopped it and I didn't. His death was my fault. I was his friend. I was his everything. And now I'm not. Because he's dead. And its all because of me. I swallowed my fear as I tipped the lid open quickly clenching my eyes shut. "You can do it Bella." I heard as a whisper that sounded just like his voice. I shot my head around looking for him before the realization that he was gone forever settled in. I exhaled slowly as I looked inside to see pictures and letters. Exactly like mine, except these letters were written by me. His name and the date was scrawled on each folded letter and thrown in there. They all looked worn and creased in different ways showing that he had read them a lot. I sighed as I remember how his mom looked when she dropped the box off to me.

Her hair was knotty and slightly greasy. Her eyes red and puffy and sore. Her cheeks looked almost as if they were permanently stained. She looked like any grieving mother would after losing their only child, their prized possession, the person they loved the most in this cruel world. "I thought you might want them." She said with tears in her eyes as she handed me the black and blue box. I looked down at it as she began stepping away from me. I walked and gave her a hug. It was emotionless, both of us numb from his death. But it held reassurance that maybe we could get through this. But not alone. I watched her leave before looking at the black and blue box in my hands. Mine was pink and lime green as it sat under my bed collecting dust faintly. As soon as I made it to my room, I put his box in the corner. Letters that we had written to each other over the years filled each box. Letters ive written to him over the years filled his black and blue box. Letters hes written to me filled my pink and lime green box. Filled almost overflowing with letters we have read over the years. I picked each letter out and each picture until they all laid in lines beside me. Except one. I stared at the one left in my hand. It was opened already but I had never seen it before as it sat at the top of his box under the lid, his mom must have put it back there after the police gave it back to her. I went to open it and saw the date in the corner along with "Bella im sorry" written on the envelope. February 8, 2016. Tears rimmed my eyes but I pushed them back. The day Eli died, that was the day Eli died. I pushed all the pictures and letters back into his box before closing it and shoving it under my bed next to my own pink and lime green box. I closed my eyes breathlessly as I laid down on my bed and remembered the day we started this, it all seemed so close, yet so far in time.

"No its not dumb we just write letters to each other and then we can read them and put them in two boxes one for you and one for me or something so years from now we can read them whenever. And we can even put pictures or some other stuff in there." I giggled as he raised and eyebrow and shrugged. "Nah sounds dumb." I pouted and stuck my bottom lip out and batted my eyelashes before making puppy dog eyes. He was a sucker for my potty faces. I knew I had him when he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine whatever okay." He said grabbing paper and pencils before handing me some. I hugged his neck tight as I smiled and he smirked by way. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, Eli." I yelled as he pulled me into a hug before pecking my cheek. He didn't know I had a crush on him. He didn't know that little peck on the cheek meant the world to me.

I opened my eyes after seeing his blonde hair and blue eyes and his crooked grin. I missed that crooked grin so much. I stared at my ceiling and put my hands on my belly wishing he were still alive. I wish he were right here beside me, sleeping safe and sound. I wish he were holding my hand or hugging me or giving me his sweet kisses. Even if he lived half way around the world and were still alive I would be happy. Because then I could hear his voice and there was hope that I would see him again. There was hope that we would be together and I could feel his love if he lived half way around the world. But he's not. He's gone forever. And there is no hope. No hope he is ever coming back. I stared over at the picture of us playing piano together. I smiled sadly and sighed heavily. I hadn't played the piano or sang since he died. That was our thing. We always did it together. I couldn't even remember the last time I sang or played without him. I checked the time and realized I only had a few minutes to get ready for school so I finally got up. I pulled a black hoodie over my tank top and my uniform shorts hoping a teacher wouldn't ask to check that I had a uniform shirt on. Then I pushed some base and foundation on my face before adding a few sweeps of mascara to each eye. Then I pulled on my converse, grabbed my backpack, and headed out the door.

Once at school Ben who I also had been "talking" to walked up to me. He sighed looking at my face and puffy eyes. I had a flash of a memory on the way here. He stared straight into my hazel eyes before pulling me into a hug. "You okay?" He whispered into my ear as I nodded half heartedly. "Yeah Ben im fine I just want to take things slow right now okay?" He leaned back and raised an eyebrow. "Slow?" He asked kind of drawing it out and making it sound sour. "Like we are right now okay I just. With everything that just happened with Eli and all." "I get you Shorty." He said nodding. He had known Eli and I had kissed a few times. Ben about my and Eli's relationship before we even thought about dating. Ben knew what Eli meant to me. "Thanks." I said as we hugged and he walked away.

But little did I know he and I wouldn't speak again. He would ignore me and I would eventually give up. I couldn't run circles around him especially now. I had too much going on within myself to have to worry about his confusing behavior as well. We had all lost a best friend that day but he didn't have to treat me as if I were a stranger because I wanted time before we dated. He didn't have to treat me as if I were a lost cause since Eli left me. But I had Dax and Jordan and the rest of the guys. I didn't need him if he didn't want anything to do with me.