flight log » markson

⛈turbulence⛈ eight

When Jackson got up, he was pretty sure that Mark was giving him the silent treatment. Everyone gave him a quick welcome back when they saw him, but Mark just walked past him like he wasn't even there. He wasn't entirely sure what he did wrong.

Jackson didn't have time to think about it since he already had to get ready for practice for their next comeback. Even when they didn't have their next choreography ready, they still had to learn dances for extra stages they might do and just to maintain the skills. He and everyone else had to change and get to the practice room.

Once practice actually started, it wasn't terrible. They spent so much time dancing that they couldn't really mess around, but at the same time that made all their breaks that much worse. For whatever reason, he felt just as alone at practice as he was in China.

Jackson felt like the odd one out of the group. He supposed that they got used to him being gone, so they were acting kind of distant with Jackson. In the time that he was in China, he suddenly became a stranger to his friends. It only made him hate his solo promotion period even more. Part of him even wished that he never released the album and just stayed for JJ Project's comeback.

Since Jinyoung and Jaebum were still promoting, they were only going to be there for half of practice. Jackson was both glad and disappointed about it. He was glad because that meant that Mark and Jinyoung would stop being so clingy with each other and acting like they were above everyone else; however, he was also disappointed because that meant that there was a higher chance of having some kind of confrontation with Mark.

During the last break they had before JJ Project had to leave, Jackson asked if he could get a breath of fresh air. The choreographer just nodded and told him to be back quickly, and Jackson slipped out of the room. He went straight to the rooftop, aware that that would be the best place to clear his head.

As he stared off the edge of the building, he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Everything he was feeling at that moment seemed so familiar. The feeling of isolation and failure was so similar to what he had felt in Hong Kong as a fencer and as a trainee. The view of a big city was nostalgic in a sad and painful way. The thoughts of suicide were so welcome in his mind.

Jackson never thought that he'd feel that way again, yet there he was. The only thing that convinced him to walk off the rooftop and back downstairs the other times was the hope that things would get better, but he wasn't sure that that time would come anymore. Now he had a life that people only dreamed of having, and he still felt useless.

He didn't even realise that he was standing on the ledge. Usually he was terrified of heights, so he didn't know why he was so calm. If anything, it seemed like things were moving in slow motion. It felt like years as Jackson gradually shifted his weight onto his toes.

A rough grasp around his arm quickly brought him down from the ledge. Jackson couldn't see anything as he was pulled into a hug, his face covered by the person's shirt. The person—who Jackson quickly identified as Mark—was shaking with sobs, trying to speak through his cries. Jackson didn't know what to do.

"What do you think you were doing?" Mark shouted, frantically shaking him. "Why were you standing up there and why the hell did it look like you were going to jump?"

"I don't know." Jackson hesitantly looked Mark in the eye, only for a hand to strike his cheek and move his gaze to the ground.

"What were you thinking? You could have died!" Mark's hand caressed the spot he hit, immediately regretting hitting Jackson.

"Is it bad that I wanted to?" Jackson whispered, not realising that he meant those words until he said them.

"Tell me you don't mean that." Mark waited for Jackson to say something, but the latter stayed quiet. "You aren't actually thinking that, are you?"

"It crossed my mind. I was up there before I could stop myself." Jackson hid his face in Mark's neck, not wanting to see Mark's hurt expression anymore.

"You were really going to do it." Another round of sobs took over Mark's body. "You were going to end it all just like that."

"Maybe. I don't know," Jackson mumbled.

"This is my fault!" Mark exclaimed, abruptly moving away from Jackson. "If I had just talked to you instead of acting so irrationally, maybe you wouldn't have felt this way. I'm so sorry, Jackson! This is my fault."

"This isn't your fault. How could anything like this ever be your fault? I was just getting too caught up in my thoughts." Jackson felt unbearably guilty that Mark was taking the blame for his own actions.

"I promised myself that I would always protect you and treat you right, but I just pushed you away because I was overwhelmed by my own emotions. I failed you." Mark grimaced, his hands curling into fists. "I almost lost you, Jackson. You could've actually jumped and I could have lost you."

"I'm sorry." That's all Jackson could say. He felt like he was drowning in his thoughts again after seeing Mark breaking down like that. How could he let things get that far?

After a few tense moments of silence, Mark spoke up, "We have to get back to practice. They're probably waiting for us."

Mark grabbed Jackson by the hand and wiped the tears off both their faces before going back into the building. The two wordlessly walked into the practice room, faces tear stained yet emotionless. Mark seemed calm enough, but Jackson knew it wasn't going to stay that way. He was well aware of the painful conversation ahead of him, and he was dreading every second leading up to it.