flight log » markson

⛈turbulence⛈ eleven

Jackson had to admit that getting a little time to rest made him feel a lot better. He felt less tense and overall just more relaxed than he was in the morning. It was a little lonely being home by himself, but it wasn't anything he hadn't dealt with before.

However, his group's little livestream put a damper on his improved mood. He was disappointed that no one told him they were going out to eat. While he understood that he was supposed to be relaxing and that they didn't have to inform him of every single thing they did, it would have felt kind of nice at least being invited.

Besides just feeling generally left out, he was admittedly a little jealous. Seeing Mark and Jinyoung talk made him remember how close the two were, and it made Jackson realise that Mark had more on his mind than only Jackson. That by no means was a bad thing—Jackson just felt a little stupid that he hadn't thought that right away.

He told himself that it was only natural that he wished he was the one talking to Mark. He had felt those kinds of jealous thoughts before he even knew he was in love with him, so the feeling wasn't new. It wasn't anything extreme either, because he wasn't thinking anything harsh or insane. Still, his thoughts seemed to be eating him inside out, no matter how familiar they were.

In the blink of an eye, his mind spiralled into a big mess. Memories of being suffocated by loneliness clouded his senses and he seemed to lose control of his body. He could feel his chest rise and his throat burn as he gasped for breath, but he didn't know how to stop. When he noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks, he knew he was having a panic attack. His mind was surprisingly clear and he knew exactly what was happening, yet he had no idea how to calm down.

The fact that he was home alone was terrifying. He kept thinking that he was going to die if someone didn't hurry home and help him. With how little he was breathing, it seemed like he would pass out long before anyone would realise he was struggling. It was scary to think, and Jackson couldn't do anything other than sit there and cry.

He lost track of time, too busy trying to snap out of it to check his phone or anything. He had no idea how long it was before Mark rushed into the room and began calming him down. Mark immediately pulled Jackson into a hug and rocked him back and forth, whispering that he'd be okay and that he was here for Jackson. The hug itself made breathing easier; Mark's words made his mind slow down.

Eventually, Jackson was just sitting silent in Mark's arms. He had stopped crying and his breathing was back to normal, but he couldn't find words to say. His mind had replaced his panic with guilt, the only thoughts in his mind now being about how burdensome he was. He felt terrible about how babied he was and even worse about how he knew it was almost necessary.

"I'm so sorry, Jackson," he whispered. "I shouldn't have let you stay home alone for so long."

"It's my fault. I can't do anything by myself." Jackson sighed, feeling too ashamed of himself to have to talk to Mark. However, Mark didn't seem to be letting go of him anytime soon.

"It's not your fault. Today has just been a handful. After everything that's happened, I shouldn't have so carelessly agreed to stay out." Mark accidentally let a tear slip, aware that he wouldn't be able to stop crying now that he had started.

The moment Jackson felt the teardrop hit his neck, his guilt intensified. He felt terrible for making Mark cry because he didn't think he was worth it. Jackson hated it when Mark cried, so it was much worse when Mark was crying over him. If he was just able to take care of himself like any other person of his capability should, then maybe Mark wouldn't be so worried and tense. Maybe they would both be happier.

"Do you want some time alone?" Jackson secretly hoped Mark would say yes so he wouldn't have to hear Mark cry anymore.

"Can we just stay here for a while?" Mark let out a shaky breathy, muffling himself into Jackson's shirt. "I'm sorry for crying. I must look pathetic."

"If you, Mark Tuan, are pathetic while crying, what am I? I'm already absolute garbage compared to you, and that's not even taking into account how needy I am," Jackson mumbled. Mark didn't hear him, which Jackson was glad about.

"I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you and here I am. Give me a moment to calm down." Mark let out an emotionless laugh and quieted down, waiting for his tears to stop.

"You shouldn't feel like you can never cry. There's no need forcing yourself to stop." Jackson frowned, not bothering to hide it because Mark couldn't see him. "Besides, it's not like caring for someone means completely neglecting your own needs. You need to take care of yourself too, and that means both physically and emotionally."

"Look who's talking," Mark shot back. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he couldn't help the slight annoyance that slipped into his voice.

"Sorry." Jackson tried to wiggle out of Mark's grip once again, and this time he succeeded. While he did feel a little relieved, he was also a little disappointed that he actually did it.

"I didn't mean to sound so harsh. It's just that you seriously don't take care of yourself and it sounds ridiculous hearing that from you." Mark could feel his breath hitch at how broken Jackson looked. His eyes were red and his hair was messed up; he seemed so unhappy.

"I'm going to go get a glass of water," Jackson sighed, heading towards the door. "Do you want anything?"

"Can I just share the water with you?" Mark didn't try arguing with Jackson leaving, so Jackson just nodded and walked out.

When Jackson entered the living room, he was met with two worried stares. Jinyoung and Jaebum watched as Jackson silently made his way to the kitchen, unable to look at anything but the ground. As he filled his cup with tap water, he pretended not to notice Jaebum's presence behind him.

"Are you and Mark okay?" Jaebum asked softly.

"Yeah, we're fine." Jackson stood still, not really wanting to go back into his room.

"Don't be mad at him for telling us. He has your best interest at heart." Jaebum laid a hand on Jackson's shoulder, causing the latter to squirm away from the touch.

"I need to go back to Mark-"

"Listen to one thing before you try to run away from me." Jaebum held Jackson firmly by the arm, forcing eye contact between them. "None of us think of you any differently. I'm not sure about the others, but I'm infuriated that I never noticed anything was wrong. As the group leader and your friend, I should've at least suspected something. But what's happened is done, and I just have to accept my stupidity. Just know that we'll do everything we can to help you out."

"Thanks. I should really get back to Mark now," Jackson murmured. He desperately slipped out of Jaebum's grasp and nearly ran back into his room.

Mark was fast asleep on the bed when Jackson got back in. It wasn't very surprising considering how emotionally exhausting the day had been. Jackson just set his glass down and laid down next to Mark. He was still a little on edge and afraid of angering Mark, but he couldn't deny that he want to be with him for the time being.

There was a lot on Jackson's mind, and he was worried he'd let it win over. He had done nothing but take up Mark's time and energy; Mark probably just needed a break. Maybe it was the best for him. For the both of them.