Savage - Logan Paul

England is my city

This chapter may be different as it's meant to be her inner thoughts so I may have used 'big' words ;)

Love you all - LE

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Liv's POV-
I was trapped inside my own body for days unable to move, look , or listen and all I could feel was to cold. I began thinking about this same situation When i was in back in Brighton UK in 2011. The time my ex boyfriend crashed the car when I was 16 he was 17 and I thought i was pregnant because my boyfriend at the time fingered me... (I was young)

April 4th 2011 14:33pm Brighton    United Kingdom
*In 16 year old Liv's head

For the past five days my mind has been full of this one obsessive thought. Just what would I do if my fears were true? I've often thought about it. But do I really know as much as I think I do? I've never read a proper book about anything. You just seem to pick things up as soon as you're old enough to wonder what that abstract, enigmatical word sex means. I haven't even had a talk with my mother since I was about 11. It seems to be non-existent in our house. And yet it is around everywhere. Practically everything has it as a motivating force back somewhere: man and woman, black and white, positive and negative.

Society is so complicated. It sets up so many false startdards. When you're a kid you believe that everything your parents tell you about good and evil is just so. It can never be any different. The law is laid. But naiveness gives way to scepticism and the rules put down by our fathers are questioned when it is realised they are not cut and dried. One does not step into sex on the wedding night. One's desires for the opposite sex, sexually and romantically, grow and mature with experience. If I ever got the chance that is.

A 10-year-old loves as deeply as any couple on their silver wedding anniversary. It is this conflict between the natural desires of the young who are healthy and naturally inquisitive and the mores of society which cause so much of the storm and stress of the 12-to-20 group. By 20 it is realised that these unwritten laws rest on very shaky posts.

Any girl can get into trouble , I mean pregnant , whether she be from higher class London or Yorkshire It happens a lot. If you love somebody you want to share everything and always be together . . . I LOVE him so much I would go anywhere with him or do anything for him. He's not strong neither does he have a 6 pack , but I love his expressions and all the things he says and does. I love to care for him. I miss him when he leaves me and when I'm With him I wish we could slip into eternity together even though we're 16 & 17.

I love the long, slim line of his body. He is my complement. His body is firm, but his Emo dark brow hair flicks to the side and is incrediblely smooth and his pale skin gives off a soft vibe. He's young and strong, he was tall but not muscular but always gentle. I love to feel his warmth and breathing beside me and to lay my head on his shoulder. I love to touch him and put my arms around him and pull him close. I love him to do it to me. I love to ruffle his hair which he hate since he spends so long doing it . I love to look into his dark brown eyes and grope to reach the perfection of mind and body which comes with oneness. I love to know how he has spent his day, even what he ate for breakfast. I like to be depended upon and to have somebody always to turn to. I love to say this is --- when I introduce him. I love him, but it is a sin to love in such a way. But his best friend is too much for me to handle.

How can I reconcile my conflicting feelings? Surely it's not impossible? Where could I go? What would I say? It would look awfully suspicious if I suddenly left home and shot through. Perhaps I could get my college course transferred to Sydney, America, somewhere far away from him or something . . . I should be able to hide it for at least a few months. If I got a transfer interstate, nobody would know who I was and I could arrange everything up there and come back again at the end of the year exactly the same as when I left. Somewhere where they can't judge a 16 year old mother. What will his fans say ... he is a famous Youtuber after all, and his law school.... he'll have to drop out and we can both move away to Spain or something... My mum said I can't get pregnant like that but I'm 2 days late on my period so I'm booking a one way ticket and leaving...

A bit unrealistic? Hell! I wonder if I really would have the guts to do it? Of course, that would mean adoption. I don't think I could just hand over a life I had helped create to somebody else; just like a parcel. I would always feel drawn back to it and very quilty—I don't want anyone to know. Yet I know lots of kids who have gone through the same thing. Abortion? I wish Kennedy and Lily (my 19 and 11 year old cousins ) wasn't in Newcastle for the Easter holiday. She's the only one I could talk to about having one. She had one about a year ago and later married the boy. You couldn't meet a nicer girl.

Most of the other girls from my school I could ask have been around a lot more than I have and would just love to gossip. I don't think I could say anything to my parents. They just wouldn't understand. I'm sure they don't know what goes on. Besides, Mum raises the roof when I only boil over the milk.

I see Bea Faust's imploring and agonising expressions as she argues with a smug preacher on "Fighting Words," about whether it should be illegal. I see strange instruments from 'Project '65." I see that radio announcer's ugly grin as he discusses contraceptives. Uni. debates, Truth's headlines. I see delicate young girls falling down stairs, wild horserides, strange concoctions from a witch's kitchen, hot baths and gin.

I am afraid. I see myself walking along a dark street, until I reach a cold bare room with a big, bright light. The walls are shining white while the doctor has on big blackgloves. What else is there? I think of what I would have lost. Who will want me after this? I feel empty and very lonely. Perhaps he will do a bad job? I've heard about those too. Why should such a gift of God turn to such sadness or tragedy? I remember how I wept when I thought I could not have at all.

What am I going to do? Please drive these crazy thoughts out of my head. Make me think rationally. I'm not even sure that I've got anything to worry about yet. I'll give myself at least two more weeks before I do anything about it.

I'm really pretty sure everything is going normally. I even feel as if it's coming. Maybe I'm just psyching myself into it. I've done it before. Hell! I wonder how many more times I will go through this maze of thought. Is there really any answer? Those who don't need to worry about such things have all the answers. But what about those like US who are on the fringe? I wonder how many other girls are thinking and feeling the same as me. Probably lots.

* Present day
Two days after this kicked off me and my ex were driving to his parents when a drink driver crashed into us casing the car to be ruined. Luckily everyone was fine. But our relationship went downhill, we fought , we screamed, we cried...

Logan , Maisie and this baby is all I need all I care about.

I can hear the hospital beeps and slowly my brain was letting me open my eyes. I was expecting to see Logan's beach waved hair and my daughters cheeky smile or even Jake but never was I expecting him...

"Finally you're awake!"

My ex

"Dan?"