Youth (phan)

Phil

'and you've caused it'
-
dear dan,

wow. i'm so formal. 'dear dan', yeah right.

anyways, if you're reading this, you're probably awake right now. i mean, you must be awake to read this, so i'm happy for you.

you might've been wondering where the hell is phil lester, but well, just know that i'm watching you.

since i'm technically in you, you're carrying a part of me. you better take care of it, you spork.

this is kind of like a goodbye letter to you, so i hope you don't cry.

who am i kidding, you're gonna cry, aren't you?

anyways, i just hope that you respect my decision on saving you. it's the only thing i could do to tell you that i love you, and i hope you forgive me too.

let's refresh some memories, shall we?

on the first day i met you, i realised that you weren't just some ordinary fan of mine. you were special in your own way, and somehow i could sense it. i was glad that i've met you.

it's been a long while, probably more than five years, and to be honest, that was the only thing that i didn't regret doing: meeting you.

and thank you.

thank you for being such a cool human being in the entire planet. thank you for being such a nice person. thank you for being a great friend to me. thank you for listening to everything and anything that i rant about. thank you for letting me eat your cereal. thank you for letting me grow house plants.

and most importantly, thank you for being here. with me.

i have thousands of things to thank you about, but then it would take too much time.

and i don't have much left.

this letter is to show how awesome you are.

this letter is to show how beautiful you truly are. how your brown eyes would glimmer even in the dark if there's something for you. how the corner of your mouth would curl up into a smile. how your dimples would show and those are the cutest things ever. how you would clumsily fall down the stairs and make a joke afterwards. how you would yell at me when i buy another houseplant.

you're beautiful, and it's the truth.

when i made this decision to be with you, i never regretted it. i've never regretted the decisions that i made for you, and i won't regret this decision.

yes, dan, i've feared death. but what i fear more is that you would leave me, and that was what i couldn't live without. sometimes, i even thought of how it would look like if you weren't here, and it terrifies me.

it scares me to think that you wouldn't be here with me forever.

i'm very sorry if this decision sounds selfish to you, because all i thought of was my broken heart and myself.

if you want to find others after i die, sure. we only kissed once, and i won't mind. if they make you happy, that'll make me happy.

oh, and if you need me, just eat my cereal, okay?

and remember to take care of my house plants.

i love you.

stay safe for me.

~phil