Concupiscence | HS | currently on hold

XXIV. Identical Twin

'Hey identical twin. I know you won't be the same under the skin. You make me long for him more. It's only because of you and only you, I'm his at all.'
Identical Twin - Hooverphonic

What did she want?

Nina stirred her Gin & Tonic with precise movements, making specific figures in her transparent drink. What did she want? The question had been twirling around her head for the last four nights she had been sitting here in this bar. She had gotten so used to her surroundings that she couldn't even tell which song was currently playing through the stereo system.

She had to get out of Niall's guest room. The more she had been crying her eyes out, the more those four walls kept closing in on her, making her breathing wheezy and her behaviour panicky. Also the constant look of pity and regret she found in both Niall's and Michelle's eyes was driving her mad. She knew they meant well and she knew they were the only ones who truly cared for her, but enough was enough.

Nina had their support and their love, yet she didn't want to take too much advantage of it. So the first night she went out on her own after almost a week of being locked up, she offered the loving couple a night of their own, which, after some resistance on mostly Michelle's part, they gratefully accepted. One night became two nights, two nights became three. And here she was on night four, sitting in the same chair, wearing the same dress as night two, yet probably having tried all different varieties of Gins the bar had to offer. The payments had been charged on her mum's credit card. So who cared?

Nina hadn't looked at her phone once these passed few days, knowing full well all she was going to find were messages full of sorry's, excuses and regret from both her mother and Harry. What was she to do with that anyway? It was already hard enough to get the images of these two together out of her mind. She didn't need to see the confirmation that those two were indeed involved according to their bitterly similar messages.

Her attention got caught by the relatively handsome male bartender who was flipping some glasses to the beat of the music, at least she thought that was the beat. She couldn't really tell anymore. He looked sharp and smart in his all black uniform. The sleeves of his button up loosely rolled up and his neat trousers fitting his bump perfectly. She then noticed that for the last four nights she had been here, all the bartenders had been male and different human beings all together, not a single one was recurring.

It were these silly, boring thoughts Nina let fly through her neurons. Afraid of letting anything or everything relate to the stupid soon-to-be stranger who broke her heart. The bartender was shaking his cocktail, joked about how he shouldn't stir his martini to the lady opposite of Nina. He seemed confident, his moves rehearsed, yet Nina wondered if deep down he felt like her.

Insecure and miserable.

Did he have his priority in life straight? Did he follow his passion? Was bartending even his real passion? Or was it just something he had been doing to get away from a dreadful place he called home?

It was the worst thing of all. The extreme self-doubt. Nina had experienced it after James and now after the guy-who-shouldn't-be-mentioned-ever-again. She truly doubted everything, including if her art was good enough. Maybe there was a reason why Bates kept banging on about not seeing enough passion in her paintings. Maybe Nina simply hadn't any passion to give. What an identity crisis that would be if it all happened to be true.

But maybe the reason behind her painting was exclusively Paris. Maybe she didn't even like it that much. No that would be unlikely. Ever since she was a little girl did she draw or paint. However, maybe it changed. Doesn't everything change? Maybe Harry made her lose her heart for art too.