A Certain Sort Of Loneliness

what if he is?

One minute he was fine, and then he wasn't.

He paused, hands shaking as he tried to stable his breathing, fumbling with the locker combination.

"You okay there Em?" Leon asked, who's locker was (in)conveniently right next to Emil's, "Your vibes went weird all of a sudden,"

"I'm fine," He breathed, trying to seem convincing despite the way his vision blackened at the edges, how everything seemed to flatten as if the world around him as suddenly drawn on paper, "And it's Emil, not Em." He corrected automatically - Leon seemed to have taken to calling Emil anything and everything except his actual name, which wasn't as annoying as he made out, but Emil couldn't help but be reminded of Lukas and his antics.

"Whatever you say Emmy," he replied, unbothered by his protests. Emil frowned, but said nothing, too distracted by the ringing in his ears to correct him again.

"I'm gonna go now," he said quietly, awkwardly turning and walking away as his mind scrambled for something to do something to say someone to see to speak to a way to go a place to hide

The toilets would have to do.

Pushing his way in to a cubicle, Emil hastily locked the door and finally allowed himself to sink to the floor. His body began to tingle lightly - as if tiny sparks were buzzing across his skin - as Emil traced his fingers across the palm of his hand, he couldn't help but feel as if it all wasn't quite real - as if his limbs weren't quite there or he couldn't control them properly unless he thought about each of his movements in robot-like codes, commands and functions.

The bell rang.

Mechanically, Emil stood up and made his way to class, worming his way through the crowd and entering the classroom only to see Leon at the back, waving him over.

"I saved you a seat," he says simply as Emil approaches him cautiously, moving his bag from the chair next to him and points for Emil to sit, which he does, if a bit reluctantly. He mumbles a quiet thank you which Leon is quick to waive off, tapping absentmindedly at his phone (completely ignoring the teacher who has stepped up by this point.)

Half an hour passes and Leon switches from staring at his phone to staring at Emil again, resting his head in his arms and lazily watching Emil as he took diligent notes on the syllabus that was to come. As the class splits to do independent work Emil finally notices him staring, eyes flicking from Leon to the floor and back again over and over uncomfortably, flustered in a way that makes Leon want to tease him more, if he was honest. But he wasn't honest, and now wasn't exactly the time for that anyway, so he ignores it.

"So what's your deal anyway?"

"I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"Why weren't you at school? Lili hasn't mentioned you before but she says you were friends for a while and I remember your name being on the register," Leon pauses for a moment, "What's up with that?"

Emil takes a moment to figure out how to respond, eyebrows knitting together as he tries to put together a coherent sentence,

"I don't really know how to answer that," Emil shrugs, "I just uh...Wasn't really in I guess. I wasn't skipping or anything, was all legal and allowed and everything I just...didn't come in I suppose," he laughs slightly, trying to pass off something clearly unusual as casual, and badly at that.

"Why's that?" Leon asks, raising a brow, "If you don't mind me asking, of course." He adds out of courtesy, but Emil can tell it's little more than that at this point.

"Uhh..." Should he tell him? It wasn't exactly a secret, really - and Emil had never been private about things like that (especially after therapy). Would it seem like attention-seeking? He didn't know. "I was...ill. Sort of. Like...Mentally." he trails off, unconsciously scratching at his scabs, what else is there to say?

"So you had a mental illness?" Leon asks,

"Have-" Emil corrects, perhaps a little too quickly, "But uh, yeah."

"What sort of illness?" He's curious now - it's getting interesting.

"Depression. Anxiety. Some eating disorder based stuff I guess." He says vaguely, not wanting to go in to too much detail - not wanting to be seen as weak or broken,

(Even if he is)