A Certain Sort Of Loneliness

Matthew

The rest of the weekend finishes smoothly, spent lazing about and doing as little as possible. It's a strange sort of "okay" that he's settled in - any afterthoughts from his meeting with Leon are placid, not threatening: his mind surprisingly calm given the pile of unanswered questions floating around the two of them.

Monday rolls around once more and the school day passes surprisingly quickly - it feels like no time at all and it's already lunchtime: Matthew and Emil had organised to meet during the previous breaktime, what with both Michelle and Lili being absent, and Leon and Yong Soo keeping to themselves for the day. It's rare, but not unheard of, for it to just be the two of them - they have a specific patch of grass in the field that they've unofficially deemed their 'lunch spot' and always seem to end up at when it's just the two of them. Emil is sometimes surprised by how much Matthew talks (especially given his usually quiet demeanour), but he talks about interesting things, and Matthew is happy with a few quiet words from Emil in response if nothing else. It's a pleasant routine that they both find sympathetic: slowly, slowly, he's noticed himself feeling more at ease around Matthew, more at home, and he welcomes it, cautiously.

They're unfortunately torn away from their quiet conversation when a sudden shout distracts them,a loud and blaring voice tearing in to their peaceful exchange:

"Mattie! Bro, there you are - I've been looking for you everywhere- Hold up a minute, I know you! You're Emil, right? I haven't seen you in ages, where've you been?" Hearing his name mentioned, Emil looks up to see Alfred - someone he hadn't seen in at least a year - grinning down at him,

"Oh- Uh, hi. Sorry, I was..Ill, sort of," They hadn't been close or anything along those lines, just happened to have a lot of joint classes and somehow ended up sitting next to each other - nothing special, "Sorry for just disappearing out of nowhere." He feels a little guilty, really. His attendance had never exactly been something to brag about, but one day he didn't come in, then a week passed, then another, and another-

"Nah-" Alfred laughs loudly, "It's not something you can help, so don't worry about it-"

The conversation trails off as Alfred gets distracted by some friends of his passing by, turning back to the two of them when Matthew clears his throat to get the other's attention,

"So, what did you want Alfred?"

"Oh- Right! D'you have your history textbook on you? I left mine at home and I really, really need it for next lesson or teacher's gonna kill me- Pleeaase-" He begs, giving Matthew his best attempt at puppy eyes, who looks back at his twin uneasily for a while before sighing and reaching for his bag,

"Fine," he grumbles, handing Alfred the book, "But only this once, okay - and you better take care of it or I'll-"

"Thanks so much bro!! You're the best-" The bell rings and Alfred shoves the book in his bag, "I gotta go now, don't wanna be late - really though, it's neat seeing you again Emil, we should definitely hang out sometime! Take care of Mattie for me, see ya!"

Neither of them have a lesson next, so they both stay seated.

"So you're uh..Friends with Alfred?" Matthew asks, "I'm surprised you never mentioned it - usually people mix us up, think I'm him. Not so much the other way round, though."

"Oh, well we were never really close so I never really saw a point in bringing it up - hell, at first I wasn't even sure if you were related since you two act so different. We just talked every once in a while during class since we shared a desk - I didn't think he'd remember me or anything like that, especially after so long."

"You didn't think we were related?" Matthew asks in disbelief, "Everyone always thinks I'm him."

"Well, yeah, I guess you do look pretty similar - I haven't exactly compared you two - but I didn't even know that he had a twin. He mentioned you once or twice but he just said you were his brother so I didn't exactly have a way of knowing."

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as rude or anything like that," He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, "I'm just so used to being known as his lookalike, 'that guy who looks like Alfred' or 'his twin'. I don't exactly have much of a presence, so unless I'm with Alfred it's like I'm nobody at all. He's always the one with friends, with the parties, popular and strong and just...everything I'm not." He sends Emil an apologetic grin, wiping the lenses of his glasses against his shirt to clean them.

"Your relationship with your brother seems..complicated." He feels as though he should say something, anything, that might heal or help or fix - if someone brings him something broken, then shouldn't he repair it? It's a bizarre compulsion of his, in which he takes responsibility over each and every problem presented to him, even if he has no means of fixing it.

"You could say that," Matthew sighs again, putting his glasses back on his face, "I just can't match him - everything he does is so big and extreme and- I just can't compare to that, not like this. I just get outshone and outdone and even when I manage to do something I can really say that I'm proud of he's already taken up so much space that there's none left for me. I don't know. I'm really sorry for talking like this, I probably sound like a huge downer right now."

"No no, it's fine. But, you're your own person at the end of the day, you that right? Even if people compare you to him, or don't pay attention to you. I don't think it's fair on you, but I don't know if people will change so easily, and that hurts. But you shouldn't bring yourself down just because other people don't recognise you, either."

"I just sometimes feel like I could disappear and no-one would even notice, y'know?" Matthew laughs, but it's forced - there is no joy, "I think if just one person recognised me for who I am, and how I am or just- I'm not really sure what I'm saying at this point, honestly..Maybe I'm just being selfish - I have you and Lili and Leon and Michelle and even Yong Soo - that should be enough for me, but somehow..." He trails off, frustrated with himself and the world.

"I don't think that's selfish. I'm not really good at giving advice, or comforting people but..I don't think that's selfish," Emil pauses, thinking and rethinking his words before saying them aloud, "Everyone wants to be recognised, I think. We all...Want to be seen. But we want to be noticed too. But not just for being there - we want to be seen and noticed and acknowledged and recognised for everything that we are, at once. And- And we want to be able to feel that- Like in a sort of, uh, real way, I suppose. We want that recognition to mean something to us, within our hearts, I guess. That's not to say that you don't really care about the people around you already, or anything like that it's more..Well I guess it's sort of like when people say that something 'strikes a chord', you know? I'm not sure if this really makes sense, or if it helps." He finishes a little clumsily, running his fingers through his hair awkwardly.

It takes a little time to process, of course (it always does), and Emil quietly fidgets as he waits for Matthew to respond with anything at all.

"Oh..." It's a near-silent indication of sound, and he's about to apologise when Matthew opens his mouth again, thoughtful expression on his face, "No, no - it makes sense, don't worry, I just-" He laughs again, this time weighted less with hurt, "It's all so confusing and frustrating, and I'm not sure if I'm the one who needs to change or if everyone else does or- I just don't know, I guess. I'm glad I got to talk to you about it though, thanks Emil, really."

The tension in the air - though it had been by no means suffocating - dississapates, and they both exchange cautious smiles.