A Certain Sort Of Loneliness

Anecdotes From Someone Long Gone

  The first of the many extracts from Emil's diary, a little bit different to the other chapters but it's important, probably. 

A step-by-step guide on finding yourself:

Step 1: Listen to music; old songs, new songs, songs you've always hated and songs you've always loved. Find ones that sound like home and listen to them over and over.

Sometimes songs that used to be home won't work anymore - home changes, and that's okay. Find what you need, what you want and what you can never have - then learn to love it.

(A few lines later, rushed notes in bullet points fill most of the rest of the page and the margins)

•Europe Skies - Alexander Rybek
•Northern Lights - Jaymes Young
•Fire in the Rain - Måns Zemerlov
•Serendipity + Spring Day - BTS
•Bite - Troye Sivan
•We Don't Talk Anymore
•Bloom - Paper Kites
•You Can Be King Again
•Willow •Ghibli OST's
•Sofðu, unga ástin mín

Step 2: Take photos of the sky, plants, animals, people, yourself - doesn't matter what. All you have to do is capture something and call it beautiful - because it will be and always is - not because of what's in the photo but because you have taken a snapshot, caught a single frame of movement in the grand motion picture that is this life.

Your life.

And it is always moving, always changing. It's malleable and inconsistent and simple and predictable all at once.

Treasure that. Romanticise it till your eyes become kaleidoscopes and even the broken becomes beautiful. Because you have to - have to exaggerate it and convince yourself that the world is some wonderful thing - because you can't survive any other way, not yet.

You'll learn.

And that's okay too.

Step 3: Find the things that make up "you". Make moodboards and reblog every post that you empathise with. Find the puzzle pieces that don't make sense and throw them together till you find the pictures that they make.

(Again, in rushed messy writing, quick notes)

•northern lights •ice caves
•night air •puffins •minerals + gems •dawn colours •baggy sweaters + hoodies •fairy lights

Step 4: Dream. Dream big. Unreasonably, stupidly, "this-will-absolutely-never-happen-you-idiot" big. Imagine dating celebrities and travelling every country in the world, imagine owning every book in the world that has the word "hope" in it and still having space for more.

Now think small. Think tiny, tiny dreams so basic and rationally possible that you might as well be predicting the future. Dream of looking up at the sky and the feeling of fabric between your fingers, dream of your breath coming from your mouth in clouds of vapour like smoke.

Now let yourself believe that each of those dreams is equally possible, let yourself love both your possibilities and limitations. Futility is beautiful in its own way, as is potential.

Step 5: Remind yourself of what I keeping you here. What part of yourself is stopping you from crossing the barrier and stepping in to the abyss. Find it again. Hold on to it.

(Empty bullet points are here. Crossed out names and words now erased are stark on the page against the grey and black scrawls that cover the rest)

Step 6: Ask yourself: if there were a heaven, a realm suited specifically to you and your wishes, what would it be like?

(You cannot pick apart all that is written here)

like home, the point where the sky and the sea meet horizon fall apart melt in to the cool of nothing I can fly breathe underwater a hut on the mountains, it's warm inside books, fairy lights, blankets arms that are always there to hold me no matter how long I'm gone for always

always

Hope this wasn't too weird of a chapter, I've been struggling with some things so I'm finding it a little difficult to make the plot progress more naturally, (though the next proper chapter should be up soon!)

It's personal to me, this chapter, even more so than the others if only because of its more casual format.

If you can perhaps take the time to answer the questions of your own accord; I find people's answers to be fascinating!

If you're short on time or simply can't be bothered i strongly recommend that you look at the very last step - Shane Koyzcan is a huge inspiration for me, and his poetry has helped me pull through a number of times.
His piece "Heaven, or whatever" is likely my favourite piece of his - that, along with Troll and To This Day, all of which are available on YouTube.

If you do end up creating some sort of response, please do leave it in the comments! I find it really interesting to see people's own perceptions and "personifications" of motivation!