A Certain Sort Of Loneliness

Lifeline

Weeks pass, smoothly (to some degree) and Emil finds himself falling in to a consistent rhythm of repressing till he breaks, over and over again till it's familiar and predictable, close to comfort (almost).

He's grown closer with Lili again, maintaining and improving on their previous, comfortable bond. He'd grown closer with them all, really - he'd learnt to understand Michelle's strange way of talking and her general oddness (he sensed that there was much more behind this, but left the questions unasked) and come to know that Matthew was surprisingly talkative the moment he realised someone actually paid attention to him (something that still made little sense to Emil, but it meant that he didn't have to talk much without feeling uncomfortable so it was nice). He'd even gotten to know the stranger from before: a loud individual called Yong Soo, who was "sort of Leon's brother, but not really" and had little grasp of the concept of personal space - similarly to Leon, who seemed to have taken to practically draping himself over Emil whenever he had the chance.

Like now, for example:

"Leon - get off."

Emil had been sitting in the library with Lili and Michelle, peacefully studying away - key word: had. Within seconds of Leon showing up he was hanging over Emil again, leaning over the back of his chair with his arms wrapped around Emil's shoulders.

"I'm good," he says simply, tone lax and mildly infuriating,

"Well, I'm not. Get off."

"Nah,"

"Leon. Seriously."

"You don't mean that-" he says in what Emil can only describe as a mocking tone,

"Trust me - I do." He insists, gritting his teeth,

"You love me really~" Leon practically sings. Emil rolls his eyes.

"You're annoying-"

"Only for you, babes" Leon shoots back, with so little hesitation that Emil's sure he's practised it (he's not sure if that makes it more or less painful)

"Oh my god-" he groans, giving up - but only because he doesn't know how much more garbage he can stand coming out of Leon's mouth, "Just do whatever..." He adds, slumping forward to lie face-first in his textbook.

"Aww it's okay Emmy baby," Leon coos, and Emil can practically feel the stupid, stupid (smug) facial expression he has right now (he hears Michelle giggle and Lili stifles a laugh), "I'll make sure nothing bad ever happens to you, promise~"

"One day I'm actually gonna punch you, I swear." He protests as Leon's arms sidle around him again, ruffling his hair just a little too gently to be mocking,

"No you won't," Leon laughs, and Emil says nothing because he knows it's true.

(And maybe he doesn't mind as much as he makes out)

***

Isn't it strange how quickly his mindset could change? How a single trigger, how a tiny push could send the dominos in his head tumbling away. Sometimes there were moments where he forgot: forgot how easily his placid thoughts could boil down in to one-track mind self destruction - it was one of those moments again.

Science class - simple, safe (even if unpleasant) - he was wrong.

It had only been a second, a miniscule moment in which it all changed: the teacher had left the classroom to get printouts, papers - Emil didn't care. All he cared about was what she had left on the preparation table at the back of the class, secluded, far away from everyone but only inches away from him: an open pack of scalpel blades  - new, clean and sanitary - tantalising.