anxiety.

one.

"at first i thought you were a constellation. i made a map of your stars, then i had a revelation."

scarlett.

i woke up panting and my chest aches. why is it that whenever i go to bed anxious, i wake up from an awful nightmare. it's never the same one though, i never know what to expect. it's a different fear every night. some nights its doctors, others its heights, guns appear a few times. i bet there's something linked between anxiety and nightmares, i'll make sure to research it later.

it was time to wake up anyways. i can't be late to first period again, i'm already close to getting an internal suspension from my tardiness. i'm not a bad kid, i don't mean to be late and im not trying to skip either. i just feel like i can't do school sometimes and it takes me a little bit to muster up enough energy and strength to go.

my feet drag against the concrete pavement of the courtyard and im fighting to stay awake. i'm so tired but i just have to push through. i always find myself having to push through. i try to avoid everyone in my path until i can freshen up a bit. i raced out of my house so quick this morning. i probably forgot to do something important, it just hasn't hit me on what that would be yet.

i find myself in a bathroom, staring at my reflection. god i look awful, but i guess that matches how i feel. i splash some cold water on my face attempting to wake me up a little bit. its extremely refreshing, but it will wear off soon enough and i'll be back to square one.

i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this. my life has turned into an endless cycle of anxiety and sleep deprivation. i walk out of the bathroom and into the chaotic mess of the halls. there's so many people everywhere. jealousy fills my body as my eyes land on a particular group of girls. they're stunning, and that would be an understatement. the way they dress is incredible and they throw the epic parties and get all the boys.

i wonder what it's like to have a perfect life like that. not that i want all the boys, i probably couldn't even handle just one. but i bet they don't suffer from anxiety and that must be the nicest part about being them.

"scarlett!"

the call of my name pulls me out of my thoughts. i turn around to see my bestfriend, connor approaching me. the tiniest smile creeps to my face, finally something good about today. i'm not interested in him, he really is just a friend. besides he's dating some girl that i'm not particularly fond of.

connor and i met in eighth grade spanish class. we built a friendship off making fun of señora garcia and him cheating off my paper. it was cool though, i didn't mind. i never felt like he was using me for my brain and we just grew from there. i told him my boy drama, he told me his girl drama. he doesn't know about my anxiety though. i don't want him worrying about me because i know he will. he cares a lot and its sweet, i just not ready for that attention.

"you will never believe what just happened to me.." he laughs. i look at him and wait for him to continue on with his story.

"so i'm in english right?" i nod, even though it wasn't really a question. "and she gives us this pop quiz. now, i haven't read a single chapter of this book so i'm completely screwed. but i take it anyways, not knowing any of the answers, and she hands it back and my paper says 94. a 94 scar, i cant believe it. and i think to myself, 'i am so amazing.' "

i laugh a bit at his story. "yes, you totally are. that is amazing."

"and i didn't even cheat off the girl who sits in front of me this time!" connor isn't like that, most of the time. he's smart, but he's one of those boys who spends more time making jokes instead of paying attention. that's what made me like him so much, he just always knew how to make me laugh.

"that's great connor."' i wish i had more energy in me but i really don't. i gave enough for him not to notice something was wrong.

"okay scar, i have to get moving before mrs. sullivan beats me to a pulp. i'll text you later."

i wave him off as he joins a group of his football friends and they walk together to class, leaving me all alone in the hallway.

mason.

i'm sitting in the cafeteria and i notice there she was again. this is the fourth time i've seen her and we haven't even gotten to first period yet. she looks extra tired today; dark purple circles ring around her eyes. she's still beautiful to me. i guess she didn't get much sleep last night, for the tenth day in a row. it's almost like her under eyes are permanently that color. i wonder if her anxiety tinkers with her sleep.

that's right, i knew she had anxiety. she doesn't know i know, but i knew nonetheless. i once accidentally saw it written on one of those back to school forms and it's been stuck in my brain ever since. i would've noticed anyways, she doesn't do as great of a job at hiding it as she probably thinks she does. i couldn't stop thinking about how i would do anything to help her.

she sits next to me one row over in world history and two seats in front of me in trigonometry. i don't even know if she knows who i am and i barely know anything about her. jesus, i don't even know what her name is. i asked to borrow a pencil once and that's as much as we've ever spoken. if you even call that a conversation because she just nodded slightly and handed me one. she doesn't talk much yet i was so distracted that im not even sure if i handed it back to her at the end of the period.

she doesn't make me nervous at all, but i'm sure as hell i make her nervous. i want to get to know her without pushing any boundaries or causing her to have an anxiety attack. i've watched the way she interacts with people she barely knows and it nearly never ends up good.

"dude. snap out of it." one of my friends say but it doesn't phase me one single bit.

the first bell rings, finally waking me up from my deep thought and i know i get to see her for real now. i start making my way to history  class, bumping fists with some friends and stopping to chat along the way. when all of the sudden a small figure bumps into my chest. the force is so light, it doesn't even throw me the slightest bit off balance but it was enough to send the girl back and her books to scatter across the floor. i bend down to help her retrieve them when i see a name written across the top of a binder in the just about the prettiest handwriting i've ever seen. it reads

scarlett westfield.

"oh my gosh, i'm so sorry." the small girl whispers from the floor.

her voice was so delicate and so quiet that if i hadn't been right next to the sound i would've never heard it. i look up to match a face to the voice and its her, the one i can't ever get out of my head. its the girl with the dark brown hair and matching chocolate eyes who has anxiety and doesn't know that i know. scarlett. her name is scarlett. i gather her books and gently place them back in her arms, helping her up as well.

"its quite alright love."

but my words are useless because by the time i got them out, scarlett had already been long gone. and i was too busy thinking about her name to even say goodbye. she probably thinks i am so rude now. i need to make a good impression on her if i want to gain her trust. i want her to trust me. i snap myself out of the thought of her for the thousandth time this morning to make sure i get to class in time.

i continue walking while i repeat her name in my head like a mantra. scarlett, you don't know how much i've been dying to know your name.

-
a/n
meet our main girl, scarlett westfield, her best friend, connor o'brien, and mason block, a boy who wants nothing more than to simply help her.

most chapters will be written from scarlett's point of view, but i'll try to make sure to throw mason's in there every once in a while.

all opening lyrics belong to sleeping at last and are not mine.