This is war (Theo James)

04 ~ Praying

“Please, make me feel okay again. Please, I don’t want to feel alone in a room full of people anymore, I want to fit in. Please, I want to feel alive again, I want to sleep again. I don’t care if I have to take step by step. I want to fight for it, make mistakes and do it all over again. I just want to feel like I belong again” I sat there, on my knees with hands on the ground and my head buried in them. I was praying. I didn’t believe in god, or any other man or women. I just wanted to try and see if I talked about my wishes to someone, even the clouds, if it would matter. Maybe talking helped, I tried screaming, crying, whispering, but nothing helped. I felt worse and worse within the day that passed by.

I was walking home at ten in the morning, I stayed the night at Theo’s house. I hadn’t slept home for a long time, just because it didn’t feel like it was my home.

After ten minutes, I finally came to the place I should call home.

“I’m home” I said, more to myself than to the others, convincing myself that this really was my home. I came to my realisations that every single thing in this house was annoying me. Even the people that lived here, annoyed me with their actions. All they did was wait, wait in their rooms, doing the exact same thing every day over and over again. They did what they were asked to do, never breaking the rules. It was boring and even heartbreaking to see them, walking around like robots, having the government control them.

I wasn’t like that, I didn’t want to be like that and I was never going to be like that.

“hello sweetheart” My mum came to me from the kitchen, showing her natural beauty. My mother had brown, curly hair that fell over shoulders and her features always showed how sweet and caring she was, she only was too scared to show it. I always found that too bad.

“he mum” I said and hugged her.

“good to know you’re still alive, when was the last time you actually slept in your own bed? You’re not breaking the rules are you? Hanging out with some boy you just met?” My mother said and I was flustered, how did she even find out? As if she could read my mind she answered for me, “I can see it all over you, the colour is back on your cheeks, darling”

“it’s not just some boy, you know, I haven’t just met him, I’ve known him for a month now” I tried to defend Theo, she didn’t even know him and he was the only one who could make me fall asleep, even though it was only for a few hours, it was better than no sleep at all. “he’s not like the others, he doesn’t judge and that really is stress killing sometimes.” I walked towards the kitchen where I saw my dad with a pained expression on his face.

“don’t act like this is a joke” My dad had a strong voice, but if you listened very closely, you could hear the fear in the way he talked. He was always concerned about everything and everyone, even though he didn’t show that. I didn’t know if that was because of the rules or because that’s just the way he was. But the me, he was still my father and I loved him till death.

“we’re living in this enormous war, everyone is looking out for each other and you’re just going to sneak out every night to see this guy?” my dad continued.

“see that is where we’re all wrong! No one is looking out for anyone else, only for yourself. Can’t anyone see that these fighters who say they’re fighting for peace, are actually turning us into demons? I read this magazine somewhere where they explained what society was and internet and all that. I really think that these ‘fighters’ are just like society, killing us from where it hurts, our weaknesses, killing us from the inside” I was breathless when I stopped talking. I was always the one with the big thoughts, thoughts that could change someone and make them think, but I had never said them out loud. I knew I would hurt people, telling them the truth, pulling them out of these illusions they were living in.