This is war (Theo James)

07 ~ a denial, a denial, a denial.

I don’t even know what is going on, or what is supposed to be going on. I couldn’t seem to write this chapter of my life, not alone. I didn’t have any inspiration left, it felt like the world stopped turning, my heart had been ripped out, nothing matters, absolutely nothing. The leaves that were falling from the trees, since it was Fall, the temperature was going down in an insane short period of time, even the attacks in the city didn’t matter, not those anyway.

I could’ve been there, if I was just a few hours earlier. I maybe could have prevented it from happening, but fate didn’t want that for me. Fate had decided that I had to kiss Theo for one last time before heading off, fate had decided that I had to take the long way home, fate had decided this all for me and right now, I hated fate. With all my heart.

It was my fault, it always was. Whenever something happened, it always came back to me. Just like this.

They were looking for me, all this was to find me, because I had to break the rules so badly. I had to love someone even though I wasn’t allowed to and I had to drag my family into this.

It was early, I had stayed the night in the woods with my friends and I was just saying goodbye to Theo, Shai and Ansel had gone for a morning walk.

I told him that I was going to miss him, but I had to go, I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was about to happen and I just couldn’t ignore it. Theo asked me if he needed to walk me back to my home, but I said no, it wasn’t a long walk.

When I finally came to my home, I heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. Normally, it was just like this, complete silence. But this time, it felt somehow odd. The curtains were still closed, the lights were out and I saw no one, not even our creepy neighbours who were always looking out of their window, observing people.

I walked closer to the house and saw that the door had broken open, it was lying flat on the ground. I told myself it was nothing and I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but I instantly felt sick to my stomach.

“Mom” I had called out, but no answer. “mom?” I felt like a small child again, calling out for my mum. Worried that the war had gotten to us and had gotten to my family while I was out. All those nightmares I had as a little child, where I saw my own mother getting murdered in front of my eyes and I couldn’t do anything about it, because I’m just a child, a small child.

“MOM!” I got scared, I started breathing heavily, sweating. “mom, I know you’re there, I’m the irresponsible one, not you.” I was rattling, talking to myself, talking to no one. I already knew something was wrong.

“Amber?” my youngest sister said, she’s five years old and she cries a lot, I don’t know why, probably because she’s scared, like everyone else.

She was crying, like really crying this time. Tears running down her face and they didn’t stop. At that moment I knew for sure, that something was wrong, big time.

“Dani-“ I couldn’t say anything, not because I was crying as well, I just couldn’t say anything. Instead of telling her everything was alright, I walked away. I couldn’t tell her that, because it wasn’t alright, it never was going to be again. I walked away from her, to the kitchen. What I saw there, is something that’s going to hunt me in my dreams.

My sister was laying on the ground, her eyes wide open in fear, but at the same time, every single life she had in herself was sucked out of her. Her skin was already pale, her lips blue.

I panicked, I blacked out. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to break something, but nothing came. I just stood there, I didn’t do anything, I just watched my sisters dead body, on the ground, her soul already far away.